


Moment of Inertia

by threewayofthelord



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Anxiety, Grey-Asexual Castiel, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Masturbation, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Sexual Dysfunction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-19
Updated: 2015-09-21
Packaged: 2018-03-11 23:24:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 56,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3336659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/threewayofthelord/pseuds/threewayofthelord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean unwillingly moves back to Lawrence, KS after his father's death. He finds work at a coffeeshop and befriends the eccentric owner and his brother. They work together to find their place alongside each other as a family and as individuals dealing with their demons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> recovering alcoholic, plenty of allusions to anxiety, depression, being sexually confused, and passionate friendship. Some or all of it is spoken about or treated negatively at some points. Some of the content has been taken from the author's personal experiences with the warning subject matter. There is no attempt to give advice or show personal opinion on the matter, only to shape the characters in this universe. Terribly sorry if they seem off.
> 
> There is dean/gabriel. they have a short intense sort of friends with benefit relationship, the sexual chapter i will have separate and note in the beginning so it can be skipped. I made sure that the chapter wouldn't have anything that would be plotty for that purpose. All that needs to be said is Dean is in a safe mindset and it is consensual. They stop after realising it would hurt their friendship to continue their sexual adventures.
> 
> Someone messaged me on tumblr that I should put an incest warning for Gabriel and Castiel's closeness with each other. I don't see anything that would require such a tag. They are very close and both love Dean so perhaps that is the angle they're seeing it from. This is, for all intents and purposes, a very destiel love story. Gabriel just happens to tap that before Castiel does.
> 
> Sam and Jess are not heavily featured in this work I am sorry but I really suck at writing them.
> 
> If you have any questions/comments you can reach me on my tumblr of the same username. Thank you for giving this a chance. It's not as polished as I'd like but I wanted to get it out there. Can't get any better if I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

June \-- Dean drives past his father's home four times before leaving the neighbourhood to find a place to breathe. The meeting with the realtor isn't until later but he's already panicking over stepping foot into his childhood home again. He hasn't been in Lawrence for almost ten years and he'd almost hoped to never have to come back.  
The funeral was two days ago and there were very few family or friends of John's left to show up. Dean spent the day drinking in an ugly motel room miles from where he should have been accepting his fathers' flag. He left Sam to bear the burden of taking sympathy during wake and repast. Sam doesn't bother calling to tell him he's headed back to California and Dean's too drunk to notice or care.

The area near his father's house has drastically changed. There are new buildings and businesses spread all over. Most of the older buildings have been renovated or knocked down for parking. Dean sees a brightly coloured building by the river boasting 'the best scones you've ever had!' so he pulls into the lot. It's not very busy, but he expects that it would be packed during fall semester with it being located so close to the college. As he walks in he sees large hand written hiring signs with mostly ridiculous requirements such as 'aversion to authority.' The inside of the shop is muted pastels and contrasting garish furniture. The few people in the shop take their orders and leave quickly. He spends too much time reading the signs before being greeted cheerfully by a short sandy-haired man. 

"Hello, hel-lo." He very obviously checks Dean over, nodding his head in approval before meeting Dean's eyes. "You here to apply for the job or to sample my _wares_." He waggles his brows and Dean can't help smiling and rolling his eyes in mock annoyance. 

"I'll just have a coffee. Black." Dean doesn't bother looking at the menu. 

The man nods and heads around the counter. "Here or to go?" 

"Uh," Dean looks around, there are a few younger people far in the back corners of the eating area tapping away at their laptops. Even from where he stands at the counter he can hear the rhythmic thump of the music coming out of their headphones. They're in their own worlds. "Here's good." 

"So I haven't seen you around here. You coming from the university or outta town?"

"Lawrence is pretty big." The area behind the counter spans across a larger area than what Dean thought when he first walked in. There are all kinds of percolators and grinders running along the back wall. There's a long window that opens to what looks like a baking area. There's proof racks filled with all kinds of baked goods. The barrister pours Dean's coffee in a large ceramic mug and places it on a small plate with two plain cookies.

"This area is the only place there isn't a chain coffee joint on every block so I know you're either new to this area or you found this place by accident trying to get through this area."

Dean raises his eyebrows. "You this nosy with every guy who comes in?"

"Only the ridiculously good looking ones." The man pauses waiting for a reaction Dean refuses to give. "I definitely would have remembered you, bud. You've got a haunted look that just ruins your pretty face." The man winks at Dean and comes back around the counter. He hands him the coffee and gestures for Dean to sit. Dean shakes his head. 

"Been driving all day."

"You're grieving." He says it like he's reminding Dean, not having just figured it out.

"My dad, he uh, he passed away a few days ago. He lived near here. I'm getting ready to sell his house."

The guy gets in Dean's personal space, looking up at him with big golden eyes and a soft moue. "Sorry to hear. You have a buyer already?" Dean tries to stay nonchalant.

"Gettin ready to meet with the Realtor later." 

"You don't look like you want to sell."

"Yeah well, don't really have a choice. Been living out of my car. I'm swimming in debt."

"You always have a choice. What are you doing after?"

"I don't have any plans. Figured I'd stick around for awhile. Got a lot of boxes to go through. Don't know after that."

"I'm looking for someone to help me in the back if you're ever looking for something a little more long term."

"I'm good but thanks."

"You don't look it."

"Does it matter?" Dean can't help the anger and defeat he feels at the thought. "Sorry. It's just-" Dean's voice breaks at the end of the sentence and the man steers him around the counter to a chair near the register.

"Have a seat."

"I actually should go. Don't want to keep the realtor waiting."

"Call her and reschedule. You look like you know how to make a good excuse."

"Hey asshole,"

"Gabriel."

"I don't care. You don't know me so back off." Dean's eyes burn. He turns to go and Gabriel takes long strides to block Dean's path. 

"Woah woah wait, okay. We should start over. I'm Gabriel and it is a _real_ pleasure to meet you." He raises an eyebrow and holds out his hand. Dean just looks blankly at Gabriel,  
eyes moving from his face to his hand. Gabriel stands there grinning and waggling his brows until Dean sighs and shakes his hand. "Dean."

"Well Dean, I can tell with that firm grip of yours we are going to get along famously. Now how do you feel about bread?"  
\---

Dean defeatedly accepts that Gabriel is going to keep him busy until he calls the realtor so he reschedules for the following Tuesday. Triumphantly, Gabriel pulls him to the back kitchen to try every dessert he's made for the day. Dean keeps the uninterested facade though he knows Gabriel sees the curiosity he has for the trade and the gratitude for keeping him busy. Gabriel shows him around the kitchen animatedly talking about every tool and ingredient. While Dean attempts to mix an easy icing, Gabe runs up front to lock the doors and flip the sign to 'Closed'. On the way back he grabs every hiring sign as well, throwing them in with the rest of the cardboard waste.

"So I want to start you out at the register so you can meet our regulars and learn the basic menu. I'll have you try your hand at breads first and we'll move on. If you have any ideas for desserts you want to try, write 'em down and we can figure out what to add to the seasonal menus." Gabriel is talking fast, beaming up at a very startled Dean. Dean takes a deep breath and tries very hard to reign in the nervousness blooming in his chest. He just needs a drink. It's gonna be okay. Maybe two.

"I'm not staying, man. This is great what you do but it's not me. I don't do baking or registers or people, okay. Thank you for showing me around, but I gotta get going." Dean pulls the apron off and starts backing away toward the double doors leading to the front.

"Just give it a few days. You said yourself you don't have anything going on. What's a few more days? I'll even let you have whatever you make." Dean stops and looks around. It might not be so bad. It's better than sitting in his Dad's room, cleaning out his things. Free food and if Gabriel's hungry looks mean anything, a couple nights worth of distractions. 

"You're not bribing me with food, man." _Play tough_ , Dean reminds himself. _You're not that easy; You're not!_

"It looks like it's working. I see that smile. You can't stop a genuine smile. The tips of your ears are turning red." Gabriel's bouncing on his heels. Glee is a good look on him, Dean thinks before mentally slapping himself.

"Fuck you."

"At this point, I'd be very appreciative."

"God, man you do not give up do you?" 

Gabriel shrugs. "I've learned life is too short to give a shit. You still hungry? I know a place."

"Okay, you know what, no dates. We are not dating. This is a business thing and that's it."

"I gotcha." Gabriel winks.

"Okay, I agreed to try the whole working thing. You will NOT talk your way into my pants."

"I would never! I do have _some_ scruples. I know you need to do your whole macho guy act. I'm pretty patient." Gabriel starts stacking the bowls they used, giving Dean a small  
smile and a nod. Dean has nothing to say to that.

 

\---  
After a few late nights and Gabriel dragging Dean to the shop in the mornings to try baking quick breads, Gabriel notices Dean's ability to self destruct almost every night of the week. He decides to wait to confront him until Dean shows up on his own, hungover and three hours later than when Gabriel usually would start spam calling. Dean gives him a weak smile, some lingering sadness in his eyes. Gabriel looks him over but says nothing. Instead he puts Dean to work on memorising menu items and stock in the back.  
Dean doesn't notice Gabriel is giving him the silent treatment until late in the day. He was too hung over earlier to do more than give one or two word answers and figured Gabe was being kind about it. Once he starts feeling better he seeks out Gabriel to see what he needs next. He's got the menu down pretty well, it's mostly variations of coffee and steamed milk or pastries that have a placard in front of the display so he doesn't have to know exactly what he needs until the customer orders it. 

When Dean asks what's needed, Gabriel doesn't turn to look at him. He motions with his hand to follow and leads Dean into the tiny employee break area. The walls are covered in employee rights and privilege posters and certifications for various restaurant organisations. There's a small vcr tv combo sitting on a fiberglass table along with a bunch of seasonal signs and posters. Dean turns to ask Gabe what the deal is but he's nowhere to be found. He stands waiting and reading some of the posters.  
It doesn't take long for Gabriel to come back, green vhs tape in one hand and a small stack of paperwork in the other.  
"Before we become official, we gotta make sure the government approves. Here's the OSHA safety training video and here's a bunch of crap to sign after watching it. Don't fall asleep."

Gabe leaves before Dean finishes processing what he's been told so Dean just puts the tape in and turns the screen on. It's obviously on it's last leg. The screen is a strange orange-green combination and the picture jumps even before he pushes play on the vcr.  
The volume of the music is louder than the guy introducing himself. It fades as Dean tries working the treble/bass options on the menu and he gets a blurry colourful closeup of the host. From what Dean could make out, he's quite young in the video. Dean guesses they could be close in age considering the time the video was probably made. He's got dark hair and prominent cheek bones. Good looking even in his too big suit. Dean sits back and puts his feet on a box of coffee sleeves.

"For the next hour we're going to discover what it takes to gain your safety and health certification and test the proper etiquette when dealing with curious customers; For now, let's look at the W-4 form you were given. If this is your first time filling out a tax form, don't worry, we'll make sure you understand exactly what you're looking at before you sign it. We will also give a short summary on the other most used tax forms you might need depending on your employer; the 1099, 1040EZ and the W-2. "

Dean makes his way through his stack of paper work and fills everything out quick as he can. He finishes while the guy is still explaining dependants and the difference between net and gross income. He watches the rest of the video without interruption, fast forwarding through parts he knows well enough. The only part he pays attention to is the health and safety stuff so he can fill out the quiz sheet.

When the tape ends Dean heads out to look for Gabriel. He finds him in the bathroom, texting with a big smile on his face. The smile changes to something more cocksure when he spots Dean. 

"I uh, I finished the tape."

"Good. You like it?" 

"The tape?"

"Yeah. Guy's pretty cute, huh?"

"Actually yeah. Made it easier to pay attention." 

Gabe laughs. "You do the quiz?"

"Yeah. Got a ten out of ten."

"Congratulations."

"Thanks, I think. Look, did I do something wrong?"

Gabriel clicks his tongue. "Wrong. Not wrong per se. I've been trying to figure out how to break it to you gently."

"Don't tell me I did this stuff for nothing." Dean drops the papers on the counter and leans against the sink.

"No. I don't think I could get rid of you that easy. I'm worried bout your late night habits."

"It's fine."

"Dean we can make this into something or you can tell me you'll try to cut back. I want to be someone you can count on. Something tells me you don't have that right now."

Dean is looking at Gabriel like he wants to say something, his teeth grind and his jaw clicks. "I'm gonna put these on the desk in the office and then I'm going to take a drive."

"You need to talk about it some time, Dean."

"We will. Just-not now."  
-

Gabriel waits until Dean leaves before resuming his text. His brother recommended he find Dean's brother to see if there's another way to help. Gabe thinks it a horrible idea but still considers it. He goes through Dean's paperwork to find an emergency contact number. He doesn't know what to think when he reads his name and number. He calls his brother for help.

"Did you do it?"

"No. I can't. He's got my info listed as his emergency contact and I can't ask him to move in with me just so I can keep an eye on him. He's good people, I just think he's had a lot of bad things happen in a really short time."

"Gabriel I trust your judgement."

"Don't think I forgot about you. I'm still serious about you coming down here. The university is great. They have all kinds of guest lecturers and workshops. You could be comfortable here." 

"I don't want to make any decisions until you're sure Dean would keep the house. I can't be the one that cements a decision, he would hate me for it."

"Cassie no one could hate you. He watched your shitty employment video all the way through."

"Only because they save the important parts for the end of the video, I'm sure. And please stop with the nicknames. It's James now."

" _Castiel_ , he said you were cute."

"Kittens are cute, _Gabriel_."

"Are you comparing yourself to fuzzy babies or are you stating that you are above fuzzy babies?"

"Tell him how you feel about the situation. Ask about renting the house. Don't make him feel obligated."

"I know what I'm doing. You coming down for sure then?" 

"October. Probably the week of the seventh."

"Sounds good. I can drive up and get you if you don't want to have to take a bus."

"I'll be fine."

"See you soon, little man."

"Goodbye, Gabriel."  
\----------------------------------------------------

-  
"This is Dean, Leave a message."

"Hey kiddo, just leaving another lengthy boring message telling you to get your ass back here so we can kiss and make up. My brother says hi. He also says he'll track down your brother and get him involved if you disappear on me. Not a threat, just letting you know you should probably at least tell me you're okay."

\--  
An hour later:

"Dude you need to stop calling."

"Your brother is kinda cute, Deano. If I wasn't so crazy about you I'd think about-"

"Can you stop calling. You're killing my buzz."

"The prodigal son will return."

"The prodigal son will finish his beer in peace and watch the sun set."

"This is your last day as a free man, Deano. Tomorrow you are officially head baker at the shop. I expect you to be in at five a m sharp!"

"How do you know my brother?"

"You should lock your basement windows, man. There's some real crazy people out there."

"You're a little shithead, Gabe."

"You love it. Listen, I found a local AA group down the street from us. I'll give you a bonus if you go to a meeting with me."

"Can I think about it?"

"You got a week."

"You still at my house?"

"Pretty cozy."

"You fucker."

"You gonna remodel the whole house or just the walls that had holes in them?"

"I don't know yet. I was just gonna make it a little nicer for the realtor. If I'm gonna stay I might as well do it up how I like."

"I talked to my brother this morning, said he'd be interested in renting it if you were okay with the idea."

"Like to own?"

"Like to have a roommate."

"I don't know if I can handle two of you."

"He's like the complete opposite of me. He told me not to tell you, but he's the guy in the training video."

"No shit?"

"No shit, man. He did all kinds of bullshit videos back in the day. Needed money to get through college."

"I thought you said your family was rich."

"He went into a field my parents didn't approve of."

"What? Like art?"

"Worse. Sexual Psychology."

"So he's like a dick shrink?"

"I don't think I've ever heard anything more ridiculous in my whole life."

"I don't fuckin know, man."

"He can explain it to you. He wants to come down in October. He's gonna stay with me until you decide what you wanna do."

"So if I say no, he's stuck with you?"

"Don't be so mean about it."

"I think sticking him with you is against the Geneva code or something."

"I'll have you know I am a _pleasant_ housemate."

"Whatever man. I'm on my way home. Order pizza or something."

"You drunk?"

"No I'd just started. Had to find a place that sold beer on Sunday and then I had to get back down to the lake."

"Blah. Get your butt home."

"Yeah, yeah."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel flirts, Dean resists. AA meetings and baking.

"You gotta get the air in when you knead it. Fold it over and press. Gotta work your wrists and roll your hand. There, like that." Gabriel moves Dean's arms like a marionette by using his sleeves. Gabe slides his fingers from Dean's wrists to his fingertips and his movements stutter but Dean keeps working. It's become some weird sort of game between them. Gabriel pushes Dean and Dean gives nothing back. They stand there quietly, Gabe wrapped around Dean, head under Dean's arm peeking at the lump of dough in Dean's hands. The timer goes off and Dean sets the dough on the tray for the proofer. Gabe steps back and clears his throat. Dean speaks first. 

"This is getting easier." Dean's not talking about bread. Gabe keeps his 'serious' face on. Dean knows it's because he's fighting a smile. He always is lately. Dean can't blame him because he feels the same and he kind of hates himself for it.

"You make a mean loaf."

"I guess."

"You've got warm hands. Not good for pastries or cakes."

"Sounds like a medical condition."

"I can do flaky crust or croissant. Pipe you some icing," Gabe makes two handed motions that could be interpreted as drawing or something rude. "My breads are so-so. You're gonna breathe new life into this place. People will love it. Great food, even better view."

"Well if you moved the register displays, they'd have been able to see you."

"You're in dangerous territory, pal." Gabe wags a finger at him. Dean feels like he's getting emotional whiplash when they fall into the most nerve-wrecking conversations and back out with playful banter. 

"What are you gonna do, ma, ground me?"

"Better watch it, I've got a pizza paddle."

"Not without a safe word."

"God, you really need to meet my brother. You guys would get a rise out of each other. He has the best safewords. Kills the mood instantly." Dean is still trying to figure out why Gabriel brings up his brother during these moments.

"You saying I kill the mood?"

"There's no mood with you, Dean. You're either doin' it or you're not."

"I can be romantic!"

"Like a cabbage."

"Whatever. We going out tonight?"

"Thought we could have dinner at mine. We're down to two a day."

"Haven't missed them."

"I'm proud of you."

"Ew, don't dude."

\------

Weeks later:

Dean dreams about his father. It's fuzzy and there's yelling. The feeling of dread holds him captive even after he realises it's only a dream. He's drinking before he fully wakes.   
After 8 missed calls, Gabriel locks the shop and heads over to see Dean. The car is gone, Gabe figures Dean went down to the lake again. He drives around until he finds the impala parked behind a row of recycling bins. Dean is passed out in the backseat. Gabriel climbs in and shuts the door. He starts shaking Dean awake.

"You dumb son of a bitch. I should fire you."

"Fuck off, I told you not to hire me in the first damn place."

"How many?"

"Uh, bought a case." Dean drowsily motions his head toward the front seats where a half case of cheap beer sits on it's side.

"Since..."

"Woke up at three. Time'sit?"

"Six thirty."

"Don't gotta come in 'til noon today."

"Fuck you. You think I'm just gonna let you tear yourself up? "

"I'm not worth it, just let it go, okay."

Gabriel shuts his eyes and rubs at his face with his palms. "Awe fuck." He sighs. "If you haven't noticed, you're my only employee. The only person I've entrusted the damn keys to my entire life to. I can't just let it go. You mean a lot to me so whether you like it or not, you're stuck with me." Dean can't handle the whole sharing and caring thing right now. He'd almost gotten to the point he could fall back asleep if Gabriel hadn't interrupted.

"Gabriel just go to the shop, I'll be there when I can drive." Gabriel slaps Dean. He looks up, the surprise on his face turning into something akin to fear. He'd never seen Gabriel look so...enraged. His teeth are bared and his eyes are fierce and dark. If Dean were a might more sober, he'd shit his pants. Instead he's confused and pissed. "The fuck, man?"   
Dean swings wide toward Gabriel who crawls over and pushes him against the door. Gabriel is sitting on his thighs, his hands pushing Dean into the door. Dean's trapped. Fear trickles down his spine, settling hot in his gut and spreading through him like flowing lava.

"I will not hesitate to kick the everloving shit out of you. Get in my car and we'll pick this up when you're sober enough to properly fight back." Gabe straightens Dean's shirt and pulls at him to sit him up. "Let's go." 

Dean watches Gabriel climb over him and out of his car. By the time Dean clambers his own way out, he realises it wasn't fear. Not even close. "Fuck."

 

\---The next day---

Dean stares at the AA card. Gabriel's gently looped handwriting on the back reminding Dean to go after what he wants; That Dean deserves happiness as much as anybody. That he's not broken. He just needs guidance. Dean sighs heavily. Gabriel won't stop looking at him with that disappointed frown. He feels like a puppy who peed on the furniture.

"You need to call your brother, Dean. Get some closure or something."

"He's not going to want to talk to me. I screwed up. Hell, I'm the definition of screw up."

"Doesn't mean you can't fix it. Look at me. Gotta admit I never thought I'd get this far. You gotta have faith, Dean."

"Yeah but-"

"But what? My shit's not bad enough to use as an excuse? Like you fucking know. We all have something that can break us. We gotta fight every second of every day to make sure it doesn't. You think I'm not looking over my shoulder? Not trying to do my best to stay outta the pit?"

"Gabe, you know I didn't mean-"

"Didn't mean to piss me off? Too fucking late."

"I'm sorry."

"Save your sorries."

"C'mon man."

"Let's get this over with."

"Are you going to come in with me again?"

"Yeah. Promised, didn't I?"

"Thick and thin."

"I like 'em thick."

"Dude, no."  
\----  
The meeting goes well. Dean zones out through part of it, wondering what he's going to write in his letter to Sam. Some people are already reading theirs out loud to loved ones who will never have the chance to hear it, or refuse to. Dean hopes someday he'll have to courage to share it with Sam. To tell him he's sorry for always being the one to leave, even though Sam left first.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning for sexual content between Dean and Gabriel. This chapter can be skipped, I tried to leave as much out without messing up their dynamic. I'm kind of proud of myself.

"Poker?" Gabe's pulling cards out of an old shoebox.

"I can do poker."

"Badugi?"

Dean raises a brow. "I'll deal."

After a few very close hands, Dean gives up. 

"If we keep going one of us is gonna end up dead, dude."

"Ah Deano, you just don't want to lose to a pro."

"Your poker face could use some work."

"I'm not the one who gets pink in the ears over a few innuendos."

"I'll in your endo."

"Will you?" After a loaded silence Gabriel starts laughing. It's fake and it makes Dean's ears even pinker. "You walked right into that one. Last game, raise the stakes."

"You sure you can handle that?" Dean doesn't have to try for flirting. It's being pulled out of him. He doesn't even have drunkenness for an excuse.

"We're five-five. I wanna end on a high note." Gabe's bouncing again, too confident.

"Stakes?"

"I want a kiss." 

"A kiss?" Dean looks offended. And Gabriel is still looking at him with a shit-eating grin.

"Did I stutter?" 

"I just didn't know you were so ready to lose."

An insurmountable time, many close hands and empty threats later Dean throws his cards on the table. Gabriel just stares, eyes full of mirth. When it's obvious Dean isn't going to say anything Gabe slides his chair closer to him.

"So how about that kiss."

"You fucking cheated!"

"How?"

"I don't know. You just did. There's no way you could have beat me with that hand. And that was NOT innuendo stop looking at me like that." Dean's got his arms crossed, cards still in his hand. Gabriel puts his hands up and shrugs, rolling his eyes.

"Don't be such a baby, Dean." 

"Fuck. Fine, pucker up because this is never happening again." He says it too quick, giving himself away. Up until now he's been able to keep that eager part of himself hidden. He   
wants and he still doesn't know what to do with that.

Before Dean can steel himself Gabe takes his face in his hands and brings him forward. Teeth clack and it's all tongue at first; Gabe's hands running through his hair and tugging him forward gently with every tilt of their mouths. Dean's on autopilot, frozen in shock until Gabe pulls at his hips, drawing Dean into his lap. Dean's arms go around Gabriel, holding the chair and his shoulder, pulling him closer. Gabriel's kisses slow and turn gentle, almost chaste if it weren't for the occasional bite and lick. Dean pulls back, out of breath. Gabes eyes are wide and he's grinning like a man possessed. 

"Well, I wasn't expecting it to be that good." Gabe kisses Dean again. Dean pulls him back by his hair. Gabriel looks up and runs his fingers through Dean's hair. Dean's eyes are just as wide as his, only Dean looks shocked.

"You said a kiss, Gabe, not-not that!"

"Good, eh?"

"Fuck off." Dean shrugs Gabriel's hands away.

"Wanna do it again?"

"No!" 

"You're mouth says no, your eyes are saying yes."

"It was good okay. Just, I don't do relationships."

"This is a business partnership. This now," Gabriel waves his hands, "this is Vegas. It doesn't affect the shop."

"Vegas?"

"Collective amnesia in the morning. Like it never happened."

"I've seen movies like this. Someone ends up caring and someone ends up getting hurt."

"I promise, no funny business. If you want I'll stop being so touchy-feely at work and we can pretend I didn't attempt to woo you for three months."

"That was you trying to woo me?"

"No! What? No. Pfft. No."

"That, that look right there, is why you need to work on your poker face."

"So..."

"So?"

"You gonna ride me into the sunset or?"

"Fuck, Gabe."

"Sorry, sorry! I'll make it good, I promise!"

"Only because I don't want all that wooing to go to waste."

"That's my boy."

"Dude, don't say that."

Gabe tugs at Dean's shirt, drawing it up halfway until Dean starts pulling it off. He grabs at Dean's belt, tugging until it slides loose. Dean's smiling shyly and Gabriels heart feels like it's going to beat out of his chest. 

"Always knew there was something special under all those layers and I'm not just talking about the flannel."

"Flattery will get you nowhere." 

"I can back it up though." Gabe pinches Dean's nipple before pulling Dean in for another kiss. He takes his time licking and nipping at Deans mouth and jaw. Dean relaxes into him, running his fingers through Gabriels hair and down his neck. His thumb is stroking Gabriel's jaw as Gabe trails wet kisses down Dean's neck. Gabriel shoves his hand down Dean's pants, wrapping his fingers around his dick. "Harder than I thought you'd be by now."

"I'm not a robot."

"Well, warm and willing doesn't mean it's gonna be good."

"I'm just rusty."

"What about that Kim girl you were with last week?"

"Rusty with a dude, Gabe."

"Oh, well I can bottom if you're not ready for that kind of commitment."

"Hah fucking ha."

"Let's take this to the bedroom so I can get you comfortable." They do away with the rest of their clothes on the way down the hall. Dean sits back on the bed and leans against the headboard, propping himself up with a few pillows. His legs fall open and he grins up at Gabriel. Gabe stands at the edge of the bed, hands on his hips. "You're a real slut for it when you to be, aren't you?"

"Pretty big secret to have in Kansas when everyone knows you and your hardass military dad."

"You ever have a boyfriend?"

"Nah. Had maybe one long-term hookup with a girl. Screwed that up pretty well when she found out 'bout the guy thing."

"Guy thing?"

"I might have fooled around with her brother."

"Dude!"

"I didn't know they were related until she and I started hanging out!"

"Nice. No threesome?"

"You gonna eat me or what?"

"I'm curious now!"

"No threesome. Not to say I didn't think about it. Even when she threw a vase at me. I haven't really been too adventurous with guys. I know what I like, but it's taken a really long   
time to accept it."

Gabriel crawls up the bed, stroking along Dean's legs, pushing them wider apart. He leaves messy kisses up his thighs before nosing and licking Dean's erection. 

"You're gonna fuck my mouth before I lick you open. 'kay?"

"Fuck, c'mere." Dean pulls Gabriel up the bed and attacks him with kisses on his face and neck. He pushes Gabriel onto his back and straddles his chest, pushing his hair back from his face with one hand and opening his mouth with the other.

"Don't bite me." Gabriel huffs a laugh. "See I knew you were thinking about it!"

"Maybe a little. You gonna get this or are you gonna talk all night?" Gabe grins and licks his lips. Dean teases the head of his dick along Gabriel's lips, in and out, adding length as he goes until he's almost completely in. Gabriel tilts his head back and pulls at Dean's hips. Dean feels Gabriel's throat contract a few times and it makes him groan. He pulls out and pumps his dick hard and fast before grabbing at Gabe's jaw and sliding back in. 

"You're gonna fuckin ruin me for blow jobs. Fu..." He's trying to keep his thrusts shallow so Gabe can breathe but Gabriel keeps pulling at his hips, pulling him further in. When he sets up a decent rhythm he's already close. Gabriel is sliding his knuckles against Dean's perineum, putting pressure in all the right places. Dean's moans are as steady as his thrusts, his voice getting rougher when Gabriel pushes and slides his thumb along Dean's hole, slicking it with spit. Dean only lasts another minute or so before tensing and coming down Gabe's throat. Dean's stroking himself through the after shocks while Gabe leans him back and spreads his legs. He reaches into the side drawer and retrieves a bottle of lube before lying along Dean's hip. He puts one of Dean's thighs over his shoulder and licks a long stripe down the v of his pelvis. Dean's dick is soft and swollen red and it twitches, defeated but interested. Gabriel is sliding, jabbing and thrusting his tongue in every way he can think of in and around Dean's hole and Dean can't help the high pitched sounds falling from his mouth. Gabriel lubes a few fingers, sliding one in along with his tongue. Dean bears down on it. "Fuck, yessss, God." 

Gabriel pulls back but keeps his finger at work and adding another. "You love this. Fuck you love this and you're so needy for it, man. This is beautiful."

"Don't stop," Dean leans his head against the pillow and takes a deep shuddering breath, "don't stop."

"Couple more fingers, need you nice and ready."

"I am. Fuck, Gabriel. I'm ready."

"You gonna beg me for it?" Gabriel scissors in and out and adds another finger while Dean writhes and arches, chasing every push and pull. 

"Dude, I'm gonna die. I can feel it. You're gonna kill me and I'm gonna haunt your ass."

"Don't be such a drama queen." Gabriel sits up and admires Dean's sweating shaking form. "You ready to ride?"

"God yes!"

Gabe lays beside Dean, pulling him over for a messy kiss. "Condom."

"Yeah, yeah." Dean reaches into the drawer he saw Gabriel pull the lube from, pulling one out. He straddles Gabriel's legs and tears the tiny foil with shaking fingers. 

Gabriel grabs Dean's wrist and pulls him forward. "You need a break?" 

"I'm good." Dean's voice cracks and he says nothing more. Gabriel lets go, running his fingers up Dean's thighs. Dean rolls the condom on and slides up further. Both of them   
quiet, keeping their breathing as steady as possible while Dean sits back and works Gabriel in. When Dean's seated they let out a collective sigh and Gabriel rocks up into Dean. "Sooo good." Gabe puts a hand on one thigh and pulls the back of Dean's knee forward with the other.

"Easy." Gabe smiles. "Don't want to hurt you." Dean starts with gentle rocking before working himself with heavy thrusts. He's bracing himself with Gabriel's shoulders, pulling at his small frame every time he moves forward. The bed creaks with their shared momentum. They go faster and harder and it soon beomes too much for both of them, so focused on the the physical intensity they can only look at each other as if in awe. Dean's face crumples as if in pain and Gabriel pulls him to his chest, holding his head against his shoulder and petting his hair. "I'm sorry." Gabriel whispers. It's loud enough for Dean to hear but he doesn't aknowledge it. He kisses Gabriel and clears his throat.

"Switch me, my legs are cramping." Gabriel looks concerned but says nothing. Dean avoids looking at him and removes himself to the side intending to lay on his stomach when Gabriel grabs his shoulder and pushes him onto his back. 

"It's okay. If you want to stop we can stop. It's okay to be happy. You deserve it too." Dean nods and Gabe climbs over him. He adds more lube before pushing back into Dean and   
setting a slow hard pace, thrusting roughly until Dean's sliding and grabbing at Gabe to pull him closer. His breath is stuttering every inhale, a tiny "yes" coming out with every exhale. 

It's a tight fit but Gabriel manages to wrap a hand around Dean's dick, only having to squeeze a few times before Dean's coming. Dean is laughing and pulling Gabriel's face into his neck. Dean's hole is spasming and his body pulling him in, Gabriel can't help but come as well. He lets Dean compose himself before looking up at his red rimmed eyes.

"Did I hurt you?"

"Nah...Just got overwhelmed. I'm good. Sore."

"Okay, you wanna get cleaned up? I have ice cream."

"Sounds good."  
Dean stretches out and Gabe retrieves a wet cloth and starts wiping him down. "Shower would probably be better. I used _a lot_ of lube." He kisses Dean's bended knee before heading back into the bathroom. "Sundaes?"

"Yeah, lots of whipped cream."

"Kay." 

Dean heads into the shower after Gabe starts singing in the kitchen. He spends most of the time trying to figure out if he'd be able to keep the sexual aspects of the friendship separate from the rest of their relationship. He's more than glad to forget it all happened but wouldn't mind a repeat performance, hopefully without the crying next time. The water starts getting cold by the time he decides to enjoy the rest of the night before stowing it away with all of the other moments that never happened. When he gets back to the bed, Gabe is already tucked in, ice cream bowl in one hand and remote in the other. 

"Yours is on the stand. There's B movie scifi marathon on. I didn't know The Fly had a sequel!" 

"Huh, neither did I."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> enter Castiel

[September];--" _This is Gabriel, Leave a message and a number I can reach you at. Castiel, try your breathing exercises and go through the list; you can do anything as long as you're still breathing, one step at a time kiddo._ "

After hearing the voicemail for the fifth time, Castiel decides to book a train ticket to Lawrence to see his brother. He wasn't planning on seeing Gabriel for another month but Castiel can't wait any longer. He's sick, he's tired, and he's worried. His hospital stay ended in unwanted resignation from his home based editorial position and at Gabriel's urging, his search for a job and home nearer to his brother. He volunteered as a guest speaker at university near Gabriel's; Basic psychology, something to ease him back into the real world. Finding a place to stay would prove more difficult. Gabriel mentioned his coworker, Dean, was looking for someone to rent his father's home but he feels uncomfortable taking from someone whose income is decided by his brother. He's going to surprise Gabriel by taking the initiative. He will see his brother and he will befriend Dean on his own terms. He leaves a short message for his brother recounting his plans for the week and hopes to hear back before he boards the train. When he calls again to ensure Gabriel knows his plans, the voice on the phone tells him the mailbox is full. He sends multiple texts and gets no reply.

He sighs and begins packing. It makes him sort of glad that he doesn't have much to pack. The long hospital stay meant he didn't have to renew his lease or pay the movers to box his things. He has a small box of personal items, pictures and small mementos mostly of he and Gabriel's misadventures. He'll be glad to be near his brother again. The medications he's taking aren't as comforting or quick acting as his brother's soothing words. 

-  
The train ride is pleasant although tiring. Castiel didn't think many people took trains anymore and had hoped to avoid the crowds. After visiting the university to clear up a few clerical errors he grabs a taxi to take him to Gabriel's cafe. There's only one car parked outside and it's not Gabriel's. He was hoping to speak with his brother before meeting Dean but since he is here he might as well try to get to know the man before Gabriel has a chance to embarrass Castiel. Castiel walks toward the doors, stopping and half turning away multiple times, wanting to flee. He could always stay at a hotel and wait until he can get a hold of Gabriel. He's really looking forward to meeting Dean and having a conversation without his brothers input. This might be the only chance Castiel will get. But what if Dean doesn't feel the same? What if he's humouring Gabe by allowing him to stay at his house? Castiel itches to get away until someone brushes past him as they leave the building, the smell of coffee and baked goods following. It makes Castiel remember the first time he visited Gabriel after he'd first opened. He'd never seen his brother so happy, so filled with purpose. Castiel gathers himself before taking a deep breath and heading in. He begins practicing how he's going to introduce himself. He's been planning it the entire train trip but now seems like a good time to make sure it will come out just right.

There's a man, Dean he assumes, filling large bottles of flavouring and all the courage Castiel had built walking in drains away with every step. Rather than heading to Dean he heads to the seat at the end of the counter. He needs to rethink his approach. What is he going to say now? He can't just introduce himself, he didn't even walk up to Dean. He looks like a customer now. He could just test Dean. See how he is as a worker. Gabriel seems to have put a lot of faith in him. God, he's walking towards Castiel. Castiel begins panicking. He tries shutting down before Dean gets to him. He needs to call Gabriel, now. Where's his phone. Where's his charger? He didn't charge his phone before he got here. Oh god. _Baby steps. Bricks on a building. Sand on a beach. Breathe._

;—[SUNDAY]—The place has been dead all afternoon. Dean's refilling the syrup and sugar containers, cleaning and replacing the pumps when a disheveled man walks in. He’s got a messenger bag that looks like it’s being held together by a prayer; papers and clothing are hanging partway out and the threads on the seams look like they'll give in any moment. He takes a corner seat furthest from the register and starts digging through the overstuffed bag as if looking for something. Dean's not sure if he wants to bother this guy but business is business. He puts down the pump he was working on, gets his notepad and walks over. 

He puts on his warmest smile."Good afternoon, is there anything I can get you?”

The guy looks up with what Dean assumes is a slightly annoyed expression, he can't quite tell. ”Wheres Gabriel?” Dean straightens and adjusts his tone to be objective. Not one to waste time, this one. 

"He’s on vacation. I can let him know you stopped by or if it's urgent I can give him a call.” The other man frowns and tilts his head.

"Vacation? He would tell me first, surely." Dean drops his shoulders. A fling, maybe? Not that Kali would mind. She always was hard to please.

"Can I get you something or?” The guy covers his face with his hands.

“Peppermint tea and a small milk. Thank you.” His voice is rough. Dean would almost think he was ready to cry if it weren't for the way he was carrying himself. Must've just had a long frustrating day. If he's from the college, Dean guesses it's an overworked professor. They don't pay them enough for what they have to put up with.

Dean just smiles and nods and quickly heads to the bar, “Be right out.” Dean walks to the back and dials Gabriel. It just keeps going to voicemail box, which is full. Figures. He puts his phone back on vibrate and gets the milk and tea for his customer, hoping he’s going to be the last one for the day. Hes grateful it's been dead all day; it's given him a chance to clean out the walk in and try a few new cookie recipes. He grabs a cherry dark chocolate chunk cookie, hoping it'll lighten the man's mood.

\----  
“Here’s your tea, milk, and I brought you a cookie. Sugar and cream are there. I've also got the fake stuff if you want it. Gabriel isn’t answering his phone but I'll keep trying. Is there anything else I can get for you?” He puts on his most charming smile and meets the guys’ wide eyed stare. He looks stricken. 

”I- Thank you, but I don't want to keep you from your work. I can use my phone if you have an outlet where I can charge it. It's been dead since this morning." 

"Uh, yeah, over here by the register." Dean swallows hard and holds out his hand. “My name is Dean by the way.”

The man studies Dean's face before returning the gesture. “Castiel.”

“Well Castiel, it’s a pleasure to meet you. If you need anything else let me know. I’m going to start getting ready to close up.”

“It’s fine. I have some work to do. Hopefully Gabriel will call back soon.” With that Castiel pulls a folder out of his bag and starts going through pages of work. Dean takes it as a dismissal and heads to the back room to start closing inventory. There’s still an hour or so until closing but he’s sure he can get away with locking up early. The shop is always dead on Sundays and he has a guest so it’s a good excuse.  
Castiel was not expecting Dean to be so charming or generous. The tea is hot, strong and the sultry rooibos and sharp peppermint mix perfectly. He is so overly excited that Dean could steep a proper cup of tea he forgets for a moment his need to get in touch with Gabriel. He thought Dean might recognise him. It's a small miracle he didn't. It means Castiel can start this friendship on his terms.

Dean is back by the register counting down his drawer when his phone rings. He nods up at Castiel before answering.  
“Gabe hey man!“

"I hope you didn’t burn down my shop. That’s the only reason I can think of you calling in on a Sunday.”

“No, no, man the store's fine- I, uh, I actually closed early. There’s a guy here to see you. Said he’d wait until you showed up. Said his name's Castiel.” 

Castiel keeps a steady gaze on him as he speaks. He drops his head and starts bundling the stacks of bills.

"Castiel? It's Castiel again, huh? Oh man, this is great. Hey do you think you can help him out until I get back?" 

“I'm sorry, what?!”

“I’m asking if you can help me out by keeping my little brother out of trouble."

“Your brother." Dean says, tone heavy with disbelief. He looks at Cas and studies his face. Castiel still hasn't stopped staring. "Baby bro from New York?" Cas narrows his eyes at   
Dean. Dean looks him over.

“I call bullshit." Castiel smirks.

“Nope.”

'“No, There’s no way. He’s just-” Castiel finally looks away, focusing on the papers he's spread in front of him hoping for a change of subject.

“I know, I got all the looks.”

“Sure, whatever." 

“He called yesterday to tell me he was coming early. It must have slipped my mind.”

“Must have." Dean says lowly. "So what, he's alone until you get back?”

“Don’t underestimate him. The kid has teeth. I honestly wasn’t expecting him for another month. He said he was going to be busy until the tenth. I was gonna drive up and get   
him.”

“Well, we'll figure it out, don’t worry.”

“Let me know how it works out. I'll see you soon. Try not to take anything he says too seriously.”

“The dude is stoic as hell.” Castiel looks up and Dean winks at him, he raises an eyebrow in return.

“Just be your usual charming self. He’ll love it.”

“Ha! no problem, I gotta finish closing up. Say hi to Kali for me.”

“Kali said no.”

“Kali always says no.”

“Not to me.”

“Oh dude. No.”

\------  
Dean hangs up and Castiel is still staring at Dean. It's a little unnerving.

“How is Gabriel?” Castiel's tone is dry. Dean rubs his neck, unsure how to word what he wants to say.

“Uh he doesn't sound like he's making any plans to leave earlier than he planned. If you want, you can stay with me until he gets back...” What are you doing!?? His brain is screaming at him but his body is sending all signals otherwise. "...or get a hotel. You know, your choice."

Castiel's eyes narrow and he and folds his arms against his chest. “I don’t need someone to watch over me. I’m not a child.”

“No I didn’t think you were. I just figured you're new here so I could show you around town help you get settled in until Gabe returns. I spend most of my time behind the counter so it'll be nice to hang out for awhile.”

“I see.” No he doesn’t. He most definitely doesn't. Dean looks like the type that would flirt with anything that had a pulse. Castiel has worked his ass off for as long as he can remember. Free time is still brand new to him and he is hesitant to start 'hanging out' with Dean. Dean doesn't even know him. The real him. Gabriel must have talked him up, made him seem like the perfect brother.

“I’m going to finish closing up here and if you're interested we can get something to eat, sound good?” His smile is sincere and Castiel isn't sure if Dean is just being nice or if he's actually interested.

"I'd rather not, I'm quite tired." Dean just nods and begins cleaning the counter area. As Dean puts counter items in their rightful place he can’t help glancing at Castiel as he puts his own things away. It's slightly unnerving. Castiel's not used to so much attention. Not from one person, anyway. He doesn't know what Dean's after. That thought bothers him more than all the others.

“I’m sorry if I make you uncomfortable, Cas.”

“Not at all. You have yet to say something idiotic so we may have a somewhat of an enjoyable time together.” Castiel’s mouth tics up, and he shoulders his bag. “So does Gabriel talk about me often?”

“He’s mentioned you a few times. Thought your name was Jimmy, though. I honestly didn't think we'd ever meet, and definitely not like this but you seem like a pretty cool guy. You’ve put up with me so far so I'm happy. You’re like the complete opposite of Gabriel and that's a definite plus.” Castiel’s smile fades. "Okay, your sense of humour is opposite too, sorry. That was a joke. Gabriel is a great guy. You're not so bad yourself." Castiel doesn't say anything. Dean doesn't know how to keep the conversation going without making more of an ass of himself. "Well I'm finished up here. I’ll be right back. I gotta lock the back door and set the alarm for the safe. Have you thought of what you're going to do for the rest of the week?"

"I haven't."  
-  
Castiel returns to his bag, trying to keep the papers straightened enough that the strain on the zipper is lessened. He turns his phone on and sees 3 missed calls from his brother.

“Hey, Castiel! How are things with my cookie slave?” 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were going to be out of town? I only brought one bag and I don’t have a key to your house and a I think Dean is trying to proposition me.”

"Slow down! I didn't know you were coming this early and I wanted to see Kali before I had you over. I was going to stop over for your birthday since I'm pretty close to New York.   
Guess I can come straight home after. Hey, if Dean's hitting on you does that mean you'll finally have someone to take that stick out of your ass? Nice to hear you've dropped the whole straight edge thing. Jimmy never quite fit your grandoise personality."

"I think you're confusing me with yourself. Besides, this isn’t funny. This whole trip has put a strain on me. I couldn’t get a hold of you and the university needed me down here and now I’m at a loss with what to do next."

"One step at a time. What did the university need?"

"Paperwork, another interview, mostly discussing the nature of my place in the department. I’m a guest lecturer so I had to ensure them I wouldn’t try anything at a later date to incur a salary. I only plan on doing this until I can get my book finished."

"How long did you want to stay?"

"I’d like to get my things as we had planned before but until you return I have no wish to travel more than necessary."

"Just try to relax. The doctor said anymore stress would land you in the hospital again."

"Does Dean flirt with everyone he meets?"

"Well, he's a nice guy to everyone he meets. I wouldn't say flirty, unless you're a leggy blonde...Or me." Castiel's not sure if Gabriel pauses waiting for a reaction from him or if it's something else. "Sometimes he doesn't know when to shut up, so you'll have fun with that. Go spend some time with him. It'll be good for you to relax and just enjoy some company for once. Don't try any of that creepy stuff you call flirting. You'll scare him away."

"I had no such plans."

"Cue my surprised gasp." Gabe deadpans.

"Stop being so enthusiastic." Cas says with a smile, Gabe chuckles as he hangs up.

Castiel puts his phone away and lays his head on the counter, he closes his eyes for a moment, trying to relax while waiting for Dean. By the time Dean comes back he’s almost asleep.

"Hey sorry I took so long. The stock truck guy called and said he was going to be late. I don’t have to get up until five now!" Dean smiles wide and leans toward Castiel across the counter.

"I've decided to stay at a hotel." Castiel moves away and avoids looking at Dean, knowing he must look disappointed.

"Okay," Dean heads around and to the front door, pulling out his keys and punching buttons on the alarm. "Do you want something cheap or something clean?”

“Price isn’t an issue. If I have to stay long term I’d rather it be some place I can feel comfortable .”

"I know the perfect place."

"Lead the way."

\--------------  
By the time they get to the hotel, Castiel is slouched against the passenger door snoring loudly. Dean tries calling his name but it doesn’t take. He reaches out and lightly presses against Castiel’s arm, worried about upsetting him again. As Castiel comes out of sleep he realises where he is, Dean feels him tense and he pulls his hand back as if he’s been burned.

“I’m sorry. I tried calling your name.”

"It’s fine, thank you. This is the hotel?"

"Yeah, I’ve only been here once a long time ago. They're big on conventions or wedding type stuff but it’s a really nice place to stay."

"I appreciate all of your help. I’m sorry for taking up so much of your time. If there’s any way I can make it up to you -"

“Don’t worry about it . If you’re going to be sticking around I expect to see you at the store every chance you get. I’ve got so many new recipes to try out and I need an unbiased opinion.”

"The cookie you gave me earlier was delicious."

Deans smile blooms and Castiel feels his blood go hot. "See, you're helping already."

"Goodnight, Dean. Thank you for everything."

"Night, Cas. Pleasure was all mine, really." Dean winks and Castiel has to turn away before he embarrasses himself. He walks away to the music of Dean’s laughter.

The hotel only has an available room for two nights (though there are plenty other places in town with vacancies, sir).

 

Castiel texts Gabriel a short message since he is way too tired to deal with his brother's joviality.

Me: hotel only has 2 nights. Considering Dean’s offer to stay with him. Y/N??

Gabriel: Only two question marks?

Me: Forget I asked. I’ll sleep in the streets.

Gabriel: Gave him your number ;) 

Gabriel: Love you, goodnite!!! 

Unknown: Hey Castiel it’s Dean. Idk if gabe told you yet, I can come by whenever. just let me know. See ya tomorrow

Me: only two nights booked to this room. I’d like to stay with you for the rest of the time if that's okay.

[MONDAY]  
By the time Dean responds Castiel has fallen asleep for the night. When he wakes, the sun has already sunk past his window. It’s almost four and he is sore and lightheaded. He gets up to perform his morning ablutions and returns to his phone. Seven messages; All from Dean but two. After reading them, Castiel wonders how drunk Dean was before sending the messages. 

Dean: that would be awesome we can have a sleepover   
Dean: u ever play seven minutes in heaven cas?  
Dean: im sorry thta was rude  
Dean: didn’t meant to offend you  
Dean: I fucked up. Can we mulligan????  
Gabriel: did dean offend your delicate sensibilities? Asking for a friend :p u gonna let him torture himself all day?   
Gabriel: I gotta say I like ur style.

Castiel can’t help but smile at his brothers comment. It’s one of the better compliments he’s had in awhile. He keeps it at the front of his mind as he texts Dean his reply. 

Me: I’m running late. I will be by the shop around five-thirty... not returning to the hotel tonight

Not two minutes goes by after sending the text that Dean calls. 

“Castiel! Hey if you want I can pick you up. Have you eaten yet?”

“I have an errand to run before heading over, if you like I can pick something up on the way.” 

“I'm good. You’re not mad right?”

“I wasn’t aware there was anything to be upset over.” 

“Sometimes I don’t know when to stop talking.”

“Or texting.” Dean's nervous laugh makes Castiel blush. Dean's mirth is quite contagious. “Goodbye, Dean.”

“Bye, Cas.”  
\--------  
Castiel catches one of the metro buses and stops at a nearby clothing store to pick up another set of clothes for the week. He’d brought comfortable clothing which he was now wearing along with his suit for the interview but nothing else would fit in his bag. He didn't want to bring anything more with the fear he might lose it with the different stops the train was making. He is reluctant to find another larger bag but as he goes through it, he realises it might not survive the week. He’d hoped Gabriel would still have the clothes he’d left last time he stayed. He makes his purchases quickly and dresses in the bathroom afterward before heading to Gabriel's shop. By the time he gets there Dean is locking the doors and heading to his car.  
He jogs over to Dean and taps his shoulder, causing Dean to jump.

 

“Jeez Cas you scared the hell outta me!” Castiel says nothing, pointedly ignoring the sweep of Dean’s eyes over his figure. “Nice digs. You still wanna head out to eat?” 

“I haven’t had anything to eat since the cookie you gave me.”

“Anything you want in particular?”

“Whatever sounds good to you is fine.”

“I'll show you my favourite place. You might have actually walked past it when you left from the hotel. Their cheddar soup is wicked.” Castiel just tips his head and smiles. 

“I look forward to it.”

“Anything you want to do after?”

“Not particularly. I hadn’t planned on doing anything that required leaving Gabriel’s for the week. I’m going to be fairly busy once I get things taken care of in New York, so I was   
considering this my vacation.” 

“Gabe said he was supposed to drive you back to get the rest of your things next week. You still doing that?”

“I feel like I should wait until October like we had previously planned but after all that’s happened I would rather get it over with.” 

“What do you still have that you need to go back for?”

“Clothes, a few boxes of personal belongings. Mostly to sign paperwork with my former employer and help the movers. I’m having everything else delivered once I find a place to stay.” 

“You’re not going to be staying with Gabe?”

“I’ll have to initially. I'm hoping no longer than a month or two. He mentioned you were looking for someone to rent your father's home but I'm not sure I'm comfortable renting from my brother's only employee.”

"I'm still going to be living there, it's not like you staying is gonna land me on the street. We'll be roommates!"

"Regardless, I'd feel more comfortable discussing it after we've gotten to know each other. I don't want to be resented by making you feel obligated."

Dean nods in agreement but offers no other comment. The ride to the restaurant is silent but for the hum of the impala's engine to calm the two men.

Dinner passes quickly between great company, local brew, and delicious food. The conversation turns heavy after their second beer, both discussing their early lives, comparing difficult family members, and shared pride in their brothers. Castiel speaks about his stress issues and the resulting hospital stay. Dean switches to water shortly after but Castiel orders a mixed drink, enjoying the floating faraway feeling the alcohol is giving him. Dean places his hand on Castiel's. Castiel allows it. They stay that way until the waitress brings the check. On the way to Dean's place, Castiel finds himself nodding off in the car in similar fashion to the night before. Dean hums a song unfamiliar to Castiel but it soothes him further. He finds himself dreaming of grassy fields and warm hands holding him tight.  
-  
He isn’t ready to be pulled back into the cold dark. Dean is rubbing his shoulder, asking him if he's sleeping.

“I’m awake. Are we home?”

Dean’s hand stills and Cas pulls his arms into his chest against the chill wishing he’d brought a coat with him. He closes his eyes again, trying to ignore the cold. His door is opened and Dean’s jacket draped over him. When he looks up, Dean is beaming, hand held out. 

“You comin? ‘S warmer inside. Got a big bed with your name on it if you want it.”

“I don’t fuck on the first date.” He aims for humour but misses by a mile and feels guilty for Dean's shocked reaction and the resulting blush. He’s stumbling to the door and trying to keep from bumping into Dean, to keep from being drawn into the heat at his side. He misses most of Dean’s reply but the man still sounds happy so it must not have been important. 

“Welcome to my humble abode!” He’s entirely too cheerful for Castiel this late at night. Castiel groans in response. “Your room is up the stairs, second door on the left. The bathroom is in my room at the end of the hall, just turn left when you enter and try not to stub your toe on any of the boxes. Night, Cas.” He roughly pats Castiel's shoulder before making his way upstairs. Castiel, after a few missteps and plenty of fumbling, falls into bed and a deep sleep. -


	5. Chapter 5

Castiel hates when he’s blind in his dreams. He depends on touch, firm and sure; And sound, bright laughter full of great joy; humming so familiar it sparks something deep and heavy that fills his veins full of heat and longing he’s never experienced before. It’s suffocating and addicting. He wakes with a heavy heart and a pounding headache. It had been a very long time since his last outing and he is happy to say he does not miss it. His shoes have been removed and set by the door and his bag on the dresser opposite the bed. There’s a glass of water on the nightstand along with a note:  
 _Cas, Help yourself to whatever you need, I’ll see you around five thirty :) -Dean_

After a long shower and a quick inspection of Dean’s wardrobe, Castiel makes his way downstairs to look for something to calm his stomach. He tried choosing clothes as close to his size as he could find, eventually settling for sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt. The room next to his is full of boxes marked "Sam" or "Dad". Castiel feels uncomfortable being in that room at all and so he quickly makes his way back downstairs.

It's nice not having any plans for once although he feels unnecessarily preoccupied with making excuses as to what makes Dean’s presence so calming.  
After finding and eating a few graham crackers, Castiel takes a look around the house. It’s an old two-story; 1930s if he had to guess. Classic foursquare design. The wood floors look new and some of the walls are drywall, though most of the upstairs is plaster. He studies the pictures that hang from the walls. A very young Dean, holding an infant; Dean as a teen, holding an older child; Dean recently, standing next to a tall young man in a Stanford sweatshirt. Castiel wonders when the last time Dean called his brother without someone pushing him to do so. It seems like he enjoys working for Gabriel and the renovations on the house look professional;y done. Castiel has only known Dean for a few hours but so far he's living up to Gabriel's praise. He worries how much Dean has gone through for him to need so much validation from strangers.  
He sends Dean a text thanking him for the clothes and gets a wink face in return.   
\------  
After a short nap and another hot shower, Castiel pulls some of his paper work out of his bag, along with his laptop. It’s been dead for two days and he hasn’t bothered to care. He was happy for the break. After the stay in the hospital, he's determined not to work himself to death. He loves to write. Loves to use his knowledge to help others but his stress issues and his problems connecting to people in the real world cause him to take it to extremes.   
He missed writing magazine articles, short and precise. Something he doesn't have to think about after he's sent them in. He'll enjoy sharing his work as a hobby when he volunteers as a lecturer for the university. He wants to work on his book but his mind keeps wandering back to Dean. If he can keep the interaction to a minimum, he can get through the next few days without attachment. He works on the new articles he's planned on writing and discussing for his future presentations.   
-  
It isn't until Dean calls his name that he realises he's spent the entire afternoon writing. He's cleared his mind of the clutter from the long bus trip but at the cost of losing a whole day to the computer yet again. He feels hungry and tired and his back is sore.   
\-------  
He makes his way downstairs to the kitchen where Dean is unloading grocery bags. Dean sees him and nods up at him. "Hey, how ya doing?"

"I'm fine. I didn't realise how quickly the day passed." Castiel looks through a few bags before sitting at the table.

"Habit, huh?"

"Yes, I believe it will take some time to get it out of my system. Remembering to eat is difficult." Dean stops at that, concern etched into a frown.

"Have you been sleeping okay?"

"Yes, of course. Perhaps too much." He says it light as he can and smiles. Dean returns it but the concern in his voice is just as unnerving to Castiel. He keeps trying to remind   
himself Dean is a stranger.

"That's good. I wasn't sure if you'd be able to sleep here."

"I've got medication for that."

"I forgot about that."

"I appreciate the concern."

Dean laughs. "Well that's great. You hungry, then?"

"Yes, very."

"Good, thats good. I brought some chicken and stuff for the grill. It'll only take about an hour."

"Would you like some help?" 

"I'll take the company."

"I'm afraid I'm not very good company."

"Don't sell yourself short, Cas. You're awesome."

"Thank you."

\-   
Despite Dean's insistence that Castiel relax, he helps himself to cutting up vegetables for the grill and mixing a vinaigrette to top them. They share cooking tips and easy recipes they've picked up during extended periods of bachelorism.  
Dean shows Castiel his book of recipes he's been collecting since he started working with Gabriel. The first few pages are simple and efficient but as Castiel reads further along, the recipes that are more complex are written over. Notes are in the margins with corrections and suggestions. Many of the names he recognises as ones he saw in the display case at the shop. Those ones have small smiles or hearts by them. Castiel points them out and Dean grins. Castiel does all he can to repress the blush creeping up his face.

"Bestsellers?"

"Those were the ones that I liked the most that I knew I could make a ton of without taking up too much time. I want to try some of the other ones but they require the dough to   
be fresh. I usually only work in the afternoons so I'd have to keep mornings if I wanted to make those."

"Gabriel calls you his cookie slave." Dean laughs and shakes his head. His eyes are closed and the creases along his flush cheeks are deep and contrasting. Castiel can't help but   
think he has yet to see anything more beautiful. It's a shame, really.

"He hates cooking, but he loves to decorate and eat. I think even if our arrangement hadn't worked he'd still let me come over to bake for him. It's relaxing."

"He told me you were going to sell this house. Suggested I buy it from you."

"I was and if you make a decent offer, you could." He gives a salacious grin. Castiel keeps a passive face and Dean continues. 

"You know, when I first came here I really wasn't planning on staying. I was just supposed to meet the realtor and sign some papers. On the way to see her I stopped by the store   
to get a coffee. There was a hiring sign in the front window. I'm sure Gabriel probably told you about it, he's the sharing type." Dean pauses for a moment before pulling two sodas out of the fridge and offering one to Castiel. Castiel takes it but leaves it closed and waits for Dean to continue. "I didn't really mourn my dad's death, y'know. I thought it was shock or something and that it would come sooner or later but it didn't. My brother is engaged and ready to start a new life and I got all of Dad's old stuff and it was just..." He stops again and picks at the label around his soda bottle. "...more of the same, I guess. Dad was gone and I was left picking up the pieces. Gabe and I got to talking. He asked me where I was coming from and where I was going, the usual bull. The more I thought about why I was here the more I questioned what I was doing. He helped me get through the first month after the funeral. Kept me from drinking too much. Had me baking day and night to get through the worst of it."

"He did tell me how well you are doing without the meetings, though I think you are trying to avoid the questions about your family."

"My brother's growing up. He's got his own life and I never planned beyond making sure he'd be okay so with Gabriel I saw a chance to try something new. I didn't have anywhere else to be. I called the realtor and told her I was thinking about keeping the house. It needed a lot of work and I wanted to do it myself. Figured if I could fix this place up, it'd help me start somethin new, I don't know how to explain it. Gabriel keeps me from hiding from the world and he doesn't judge me or yell at me even though I deserve it sometimes. He split the schedule, chores, and eventually we'll split the profit. I honestly didn't think I would do any good as a baker but I love to cook. I make money messing around in the kitchen, the house is looking better and I got a friend who is willing to give me a chance to prove myself. I got you if you're interested."

"I don't see how I fit into the equation." Castiel takes Dean's bottle and places the unopened one back in the fridge before grabbing the tray for the vegetables.

"Well if you're gonna be sticking around, I gotta show you around town and teach you how to make great desserts. Gotta find some way to keep you from the computer."

"I'm not a project." Castiel pushes the tray forcefully into Dean's chest as he turns away to grab the tray for the chicken. Dean has one hand on the tray and one on Castiel's arm.

"No, I know. That's not what I meant and you know it. I'm not," Dean licks his lips and Castiel follows the movement. "I'm not good at feelings. I like you, I'd like to be friends if   
you're okay with it. Maybe more if things work out. You're somethin else, man. I don't think it's just me, or maybe it is, but you make my day just by smiling. I sound crazy now.   
Just-Just let me know when you want to hang out, or if you don't. Just, tell me, okay?"  
Castiel feels frozen in place. He blinks a few times and Dean just will not break eye contact with him. He tries to ignore the flurry of emotion warring within him and heads outside to retrieve their dinner. A moment later Dean follows.  
Dinner is eaten in silence, Castiel not daring to look at Dean. After rinsing his plate, he heads to bed. The next two days Castiel doesn't leave the guest bedroom and Dean doesn't force company on him other than to give him food or tell him to take a break from writing.


	6. Chapter 6

Gabriel knocks on Dean's door at three in the morning with a bag of cheesesteak sandwiches and a bottle of soda. 

"Where's my brother and why aren't you wearing pants? Are you drunk?"

Dean's rubbing his eyes, trying to focus. "He's up in his room. No I'm not drunk. Only been having two a day at most. I was watching tv." He turns to look up the stairs and mumbles, "Must've fallen asleep."

Gabriel gives him a speculative glare before walking in. "You gonna open tomorrow?"

"I was hoping to sleep in."

"How was your slumber party?"

"He doesn't talk much. I've been making sure he's eating and staying off the laptop though."

"You try to kiss him?"

"What? No!" Gabriel studies him and he quells the urge to fidget. 

"Well, I brought food. I'm going to go talk to him. Thank you for helping us out."

"Anytime, man." He looks through the bag of food and grabs a sandwich before sitting back on the couch. "Awesome!" His defeated tone reflecting otherwise.

\---  
Castiel is pulled out of an already fitful sleep by pounding on his door. The door. A peek at the clock says a quarter after three and he buries himself back into the blankets. "Go away."

"Cassie open up! I brought food and a lawyer. You can tell her where Dean touched you."

He hears a distant, "Hey, fuck you!" and he can't keep himself from grinning.

"Give me a few minutes."

"It's cheesesteaks, Castiel! Cheesesteaks!"  
\-----

Castiel takes his time waking before making his way to the bathroom for a quick shower. He takes another pair of Dean's sweat pants and a shirt before gathering his belongings and stuffing as much as he can into his flimsy bag. By the time he makes his way downstairs, Gabriel and Dean are quietly chatting and all of the sandwiches are long gone. Gabriel catches sight of him first and upon noticing the change in his friends' focus Dean stiffens and his expression closes off.

"Your jeans are still in the wash." Dean avoids looking at Castiel who tries and fails to do the same at him.

"I still have some of your things so we can make a trade in the morning when I visit the shop, if you'd still like help with your new recipes."

Gabriel blows out a laugh and shakes his head. Dean and Cas both snap their heads toward him with matching confused faces and he shakes it even harder. He's beaming as he grabs Castiel's bag and heads to the front door. "I'll see you bright and early, Dean. Get moving, Castiel!"  
Castiel is left trying to maintain a passive expression. He nods his head at Dean. 

"Thank you for all of your help, Dean."

"Anytime, Cas. See you around."

-

Dean doesn't bother trying to fall back asleep. He's jittery and the conversation with Gabriel is a repeating thought. Gabriel mostly bragged about the great hotel he stayed at and the other entrepreneurs he'd met. He talked about his interest in getting more into the business side of things while Dean takes over the actual store and he'd dropped very detailed hints on how his visit with Kali went. He grew serious enough to give Dean pause when inquiring about Castiel's well being. Dean was left wondering when or if Gabriel would threaten him for being interested in Cas. His concern was mostly with Castiel's anxiety over finding a place to live. Dean was amiable to having Cas live with him but unsure whether he would be a more trouble than what Cas could handle. His own brother couldn't stand to live with him any longer than necessary, why should anyone else?  
He has time to pick up the house and go grocery shopping before heading into work. He stops at the hardware store and grabs a few more things to start on the upstairs walls and as he passes the baths he picks out a different tub for the master bathroom. Castiel had asked about his plans for the improvements in the bathroom and he hadn't given it too much thought. The old tub was too small for him but was otherwise functional. Dean didn't plan on changing it but he figures if he has to tear out the old walls he might as well put in something comfortable. He chooses an oval undermount and heads over to look at tile. He spends quite some time just staring at the different colours, textures, and sizes of the tile and it clears his mind.

By the time his phone alarm buzzes him to head to work he's eager to start his day. He plans the layout of the upstairs as he mixes dough and sets out ingredients for the different types of frosting he needs to make. He'll have to halve his closet in order to move the closet in his old room over so he can add a door to connect it with the bathroom. He wasn't sure if he wanted to put so much into it but if he was going to have a roommate it would make it easier to join the rooms instead of having his room be the only way to enter the bathroom. 

He doesn't want anyone in Sammy's room. The layout of the house is ridiculous but it's costing him too much as it is to repair and upgrade what he has to start thinking of making more major changes. He's so involved in his work he misses Castiel and Gabriel up front setting up. It's not until Gabriel snaps his fingers in Dean's face that he looks up.

"Oh hey."

"Hey spaceboy, I was just saying, were you planning on actually counting the money when you left the drawer on the counter or are you doing a charity drive?" Gabriel grabs a spoon and samples one of the icings Dean's prepared. Dean grabs the bowl and puts it on the top of one of the proofer racks.

"What?" 

Gabriel rolls his eyes and runs a hand through his hair. "I leave for a couple of weeks and you lose your mind. Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm good. I guess I forgot about the drawer, sorry about that."

"No problem, just try to stay here on earth for the rest of the day. Don't want any accidents."

Dean nods and weakly smiles before going back to mixing icing. Gabriel stands watching him for a few moments before Dean gets uncomfortable.  
"What?"

"What?" Gabriel mimics in a higher pitch.

"Do you need something or are you here to annoy me. Is this part of the food safety thing you're always bitching about?"

"Dean you sani-wipe the register every time you use it, why would I be afraid of food safety from you? I bitch because OSHA is full of assholes, which is kind of funny if you think about it."

"Well what do you want then?"

"Can't I watch my employee to ensure satisfactory performance while annoying the shit out of him?"

"Now I know where you're brother gets it."

"Oh good you brought him up. I didn't want to be the first to do it."

"What?"

"So are you going to try to woo him?"

"Listen, I don't know if you know this, but Cas is the kind of guy you gotta wait for."

"Pretty sure that bell was rung a LONG time ago, kid."

"What? Yeah, no. I mean, I'm gonna wait until he says it's okay for me to even be friends with him. I tried being nice and he locked himself in his room for three days. I don't want   
to think about what trying to date him would do."

"He said you were flirting with him the entire time." Gabe deadpans.

"That obvious?"

"You're a shining beacon of promiscuity."

"Dick. He didn't seem to mind at first."

"He gets like that sometimes. He'll let you know when you can continue vying for his mythical innocence, until then keep it in your pants. He's gonna be here for most the day so when you're done back here making magic, can you check on him? I've a pile of paperwork to muddle through before I can man the register." 

"I got it."

"Just...I'm not choosing who to back when things go sideways."

"I'm kind of overstepping my bounds as it is with him I guess. I'm not making any plans until he brings it up."

"Okay then."

"Yeah."

By the time Dean finishes icing his last cinnamon roll it's time to flip sign and let customers in. He drops by Castiel's table on the way to the door dropping off a tray with milk, tea, and two different cookies on a small plate. He says nothing, but smiles at Cas and points to a small slip of paper under the plate before heading to the door and allowing the line of people to rush past him.

-

Castiel isn't feeling up to being around crowds of people but he doesn't want to be alone at Gabriel's. He brings a few books and a notepad with him to start on his first upcoming lecture. As much as it pains him to skip the highly debatable subjects of human sexuality, he knows it's best to stick to the basics for the sake of his sanity. He stresses over his own personal failures as a sexual being and doesn't have it in himself to make any more attempts at helping others understand their own. He's good at explaining what he's learned and how it can apply to every type of relationship but it doesn't hamper the shame he feels when it comes to his lack of sexual identity.  
He's delighted when Dean brings him two new cookies along with his milk and tea. He fights to contain a smile after Dean leaves to man the register. He takes a bite of one of the cookies and pulls the slip of paper out from under the plate.

_Gabe told me your birthday is coming up. If he's older than you that makes you like 10 right?_

Castiel stifles a laugh and turns around to see where Dean might be. He's pulling baked goods out of the case and boxing them for a customer and when he looks up he looks in Castiel's direction and smiles. Castiel waves and turns back to the paper. He scribbles a reply and places it on the tray. 

-

Dean was expecting to wait quite some time before Castiel replied to his note. He did it on impulse. Something to kill the tension that shouldn't be there. He's boxing up muffins when he sees Cas looking his way. He feels possessed, a large smile plastering itself on his now blushing face. _I'm so screwed._   
He finishes mixing drinks and serving sweet snacks to the people eager to head out to work. He's wiping down the counters and refilling machines for the next rush when Castiel places his tray at the return area, pointedly putting the note under the paper placemat. He heads back to his table and continues on his work. Dean all but runs to the trays to see what Cas has written.

_I regret the way our week ended._

Dean doesn't know how to respond. Dean can't be sure if he's just that desperate to see something in between the lines or if Cas is apologising for locking himself in Dean's old room most the time. He grabs his notepad and thinks hard before replying. He'll wait until shortly before his break to give it to Cas. 

_If it's okay, I'd like to sit and have lunch with you. I feel like I crossed a line._

He hands Castiel the note and places a fresh cup of tea and a dish of Pirouline cookies to go with his still full glass of milk. He's excited to attempt Piroulines but will settle for the packaged until he's comfortable enough with his baking quality. Gabriel doesn't mind ordering them either considering all the flavours they now come in.  
Castiel grabs his wrist as he grabs for the empty cup and plate and is looking at him with an undiscernable expression. He looks afraid or upset. Dean can't tell. Apologies are tumbling out of his mouth faster than his mind can make them until Cas squeezes his wrist and speaks up.

"When is your break?"

"In about fifteen minutes. It's not long. I gotta be home later; I ordered a new tub. You were right about making the bathroom bigger. I'm gonna connect it to the room you stayed in."

Castiel looks down the paper and stares hard at it. He folds it tightly and sticks it in his pocket. 

"You said you would have tomorrow off?"

"Yeah, Gabriel said he wanted to do something for your birthday, though."

"We can all go."

"Okay. So you're good with me sitting with you for lunch?"

"Of course."

-  
Dean doesn't eat anything but he does have a large cup of hot cocoa. Castiel works at the piroulines Dean brought him earlier. Most of the time passes in agreeable silence; Each man smiling at the other when their eyes meet. There are only a few customers that come in and pull Dean away but it's never long enough to break the comforting atmosphere at their table. Castiel talks about some of the subjects he wants to include in his book. He tries to avoid the matter of his own sexuality and although it's difficult with Dean being so keen on him, Dean doesn't press him. Gabriel joins them for a short time and they discuss where to take Castiel for his birthday.   
The rest of the day passes quickly as the shop gets busier through the night. Dean thinks he's being subtle about stealing glances at Castiel, but he always notices and gives a nod or small wave of acknowledgement. Dean also makes sure Castiel takes enough breaks to keep from getting sore, going so far as to show him the baking area (although he had already seen it the many times he'd visited Gabe) and employ his help baking a batch of chocolate peanut butter brownies. After closing they keep their goodbyes short and the blushing minimal and Gabriel shockingly says nothing. He merely smiles and wraps an arm around Castiel as they walk to his car.


	7. Chapter 7

Gabriel was enjoying watching his best friend and his little brother stumble through their own version of puppy love. He hoped to see Cas come out of his shell again. He missed the firecracker who got arrested for organising an orgy at a yoga retreat. Not that Castiel ever took the chance to join in. It was still a great story nonetheless.  
Dean was able to keep up with Castiel's changing moods and Gabriel had to hand it to him, he knew how to hit every one of Cas' buttons without going too far and when to back off. Gabriel would encourage Dean with a text or two and he knew Castiel noticed but Castiel didn't stop him. By the end of the day Castiel was almost as Gabriel remembered him years before. There was a fire in his eyes and a wide smile that was completely contagious. Gabriel didn't want to ruin the moment, but he was so grateful he could cry. He'd only known Dean for four months and they had gotten close enough for Gabriel to consider a long term partnership. Dean was open and generous and contrary to his supposed allergy to sharing feelings, he wore his emotions proudly in close company.  
The ride back to Gabriel's is quiet. Castiel keeps fidgeting and looking out the window but there's no other indication of him wanting to engage. Gabriel leaves it alone. Castiel quickly retreats into the house and his room before Gabriel could turn off the car. Gabriel starts texting Dean, knowing his brother is probably doing the same.

-

Dean's exhausted after a day of dragging Castiel through crowds of people with Gabriel jumping all around. He enjoyed the company and discovered a lot about the dynamic between the two brothers. It seemed Gabriel's exuberant nature was a contrast to Castiel's hesitant one. He could see Castiel struggling between joining in the merriment and keeping up the appearance of having control of his emotions. Dean isn't sure what made him try to hide, especially after some of the stories about Castiel he had heard. Cas blushed but never once stopped Gabe from telling Dean these stories, he actually added to some of them. It warmed Dean to know Cas felt comfortable sharing some of the more explicit activities he would engage others in. Dean had to wonder why Cas had never actually been a part of the scenes he arranged. Maybe he was just really into watching?  
After showering and getting comfortable in bed he texts Cas goodnight and a happy birthday. Moments later the phone buzzes with a message from Gabriel.

Gabriel: You lovebirds have a good night out?

Me: Lovebirds? 

Gabriel: I feel like a broken record with you two. I see how you look at him. I definitely see how he looks at you

Me: Not discussing this with you anymore.

Gabriel: Don't think I didn't notice how long you took looking at purses.

Me: They weren't purses, they were messenger bags.

Gabriel: Saw you eyeing one that looked suspiciously similar to Castiel's.

Me: Look if you're going to say something say it, otherwise you can hound me tomorrow. His is falling apart, I'm doing him a favour.

Gabriel: you gonna ask him to prom yet?

Me: haha fuck you and no.

Gabriel: we can have a threesome. why not?

Me: he's not interested.

Gabriel: Oh I think he is.

Me: pretty sure hes not.

Gabriel: bet you a pair of satin panties he is

Me: oh my god

Me: fucking tell me you dont still have those 

Gabriel: maybe you can model for him

Me: You're such an asshole sometimes. I can tell when someone's not interested, he might as well have a huge sign over his head

Gabriel: You're still new and shiny. Once he gets to know you you'll see his good sides and he'll let you in

Me: He's all good sides now stop texting, I don't want to mix up your texts with his.

Gabriel: You gonna dsend me a dickpic?

Me: Do you want one?

Gabriel: only if it has good lighting, none of that blurry ufo stuff. FYI, you get to open tomorrow

Me: Don't care, truck guy's not gonna be in till noon, if it's not too busy I'll be off by then

Gabriel: You suck

Me: go to sleep

Gabriel: fine. let me know if mr roboto decides to have a sexual awakening

Me: You wanna be there?

Gabriel: It's a historical moment. Just don't screw around with him. Be honest about what you want and he'll do the same. Break your word and I'll break your legs.

Me: Your big brother speech can use some work

Gabriel: You have no idea what I'm capable of

Me: better.

He's not sure if he's just attracted to Cas or actually truly interested in him. Dean hasn't felt such a weird mix of emotions since he'd worn Rhonda Hurley's underwear. He liked it. He really liked it. Gabriel might have brought that particular habit back to light but since then he's cut himself off from one night stands. Whatever it is he has with Cas, can feel something between them, and he doesn't want to let that go. He feels good about wanting to wait for Cas. He feels like he has an actual future to plan and look forward to. Sam would be proud. Aaand that's a can of worms he doesn't want to open right now. He still hasn't called him since he last told Gabriel he would. 

Castiel finally texts back with a thank you and a suggestion that he help him with a recipe he reserves for special occasions. Dean is completely up for it and asks for details but has trouble reading through the resulting instructions and keeping up a conversation with Gabriel. He bids them both a goodnight with plans to see them at the shop in the morning. He has tomorrow afternoon to start tearing up his bathroom and he kind of hopes Cas will want to join him instead of spend all day sitting in a booth watching customers. He falls asleep wondering how Cas feels about lace.

-

Of all the birthdays Castiel has remembered, this was the best of them all. As long as Dean and Gabriel stay with him, he thinks, they will only continue to get better. He felt comfortable browsing the stores at the mall. Protected from the crowds of people surrounding him as they walked through and even as they ate at the buffet. He was okay with walking across the restaurant and getting whatever looked appetising. He ate much more than he thought he could. He allowed Gabriel to share with Dean some of his more entertaining college experiences, helping his roommates and their friends discover their sexuality. They made jokes and he kept up the entire time without feeling embarrassed about missing some of the sarcasm. He felt for once like he belonged in the world. 

As he continues to recount his excitement from the day however, his happiness fades. What if he said too much? What if he looked at someone the wrong way or said something that Dean might have misunderstood. Dean didn't mention anything negative in the texts. He seemed excited about the prospect of trying one of Castiel's favourite recipes but he cut the conversation short. Was Dean tired of him already? Was he oversharing? What if what he was feeling was from the lack of contact with other people. Were Dean and Gabriel just being polite. Gabriel was texting Dean throughout dinner and he thought they may have just been playing jokes with him; what if they were exchanging sympathies?  
Castiel takes his medication and waits for it to take effect, allowing him respite from his worries. He doesn't remember most of his dream, though he recognised the humming. He'll have to ask Dean what the song is called.

-

Dean spends half of the week showing Cas around the kitchen; Employing his help tasting new desserts he's been itching to try. Every new look and sound that comes from Cas fills Dean with fire and pride. Cas ignores the compliments and looks Dean gives him so Dean tries to move past it. At least until Cas starts licking a spoonful of frosting. Dean's ninety percent sure Cas is doing it on purpose. He darts his tongue out for a small taste at first before sliding the spoon into his mouth, eyes closing and making the most obscene noises. 

"This is the best batch yet," Cas says. Dean enthusiastically agrees. He keeps looking at Castiel with a hungry sort of look. They work side by side frosting cookies, sometimes bumping elbows or Dean putting his hand on the small of Castiel's back as he passes by. After awhile the closeness gets to be too much for Castiel and he excuses himself to Gabriel's office.

The rest of the week Dean spends alone. Castiel had Gabriel drive him to New York to get the rest of Castiel's personal things. Castiel decided on selling his furniture since where ever he chose to move would most likely be furnished. He closes his bank accounts and picks up his last check from his old employer. Castiel still needs to find a place to call his own, though Gabriel doesn't mind if he stayed permanently, he still feels like he would be burdening his brother. He and Dean often speak about Cas being Dean's roommate but he still feels it necessary they stay apart for the time being. He's unsure about the need to be close that rears it's ugly head when Dean is around. It may be a short term 'crush', but it's nothing short of disaster if he allows it to flourish into anything else. Dean is very physical and Castiel still doesn't feel like that's something he could offer freely without feeling like he has to be open to intimacy.

-

Dean takes his time baking all morning, excited to get home and start on the bathroom renovation. He peeks his head out every so often to see Cas hard at work. His head bent low and shoulders hunched close scribbling away at his notes, oblivious to everyone around him. In between batches he starts texting Cas. 

Me: You gonna teach me how to make your cookies?

Cas: They are called sekerpare in Turkish, It's almost a syrup glazed sugar cookie but better. I usually make a batch for Gabriel during the holidays. Do you have hazelnuts or almonds?

Me: Yeah, i got whole almonds or chopped hazelnut. 

Cas: We'll use the almonds. I will also need semolina.

Me: I'll have to look for it. I tried making bread with it. I think I used too much because Gabriel hid it from me after. You coming to the back or do I hVe to do this alone?

Cas: Let me finish this sheet. 

Castiel puts his papers in his new bag and heads to the back to put it in the office with Gabriel. Gabriel's filling out paperwork but puts it all aside when he sees his brother.

"You okay?" Gabriel stands up, face full of concern.

"Fine, thank you." Castiel smiles to put Gabriel at ease. It doesn't work. "Dean is going to make cookies with me. Do you know where the semolina is?" Gabriel shudders and makes a face that makes Castiel smile. "He did mention he tried making bread with it."

"Eugh, it wasn't bread. There was no trying. It was a fiasco." Gabriel gets a stepladder and heads to the employee break area, Castiel follows.

"It's surprising in some ways. Dean seems like a very capable cook," Cas says with a laugh.

"Three months of almost nonstop baking will do that. When he started though," Gabe has a mournful look on his face. "there was a lot to be desired. I thought I was bad when I started this venture, but Castiel I'm still having nightmares about the time he tried mom's scone recipe. It was a mess."  
He hands Castiel an oatmeal tin. Castiel opens the tin and sees it's filled with semolina. He raises an eyebrow and Gabriel shrugs. "He hates oatmeal."

-

Dean's setting aside cookie sheets and clearing the work area so Castiel has plenty of room to work. He's learned to keep his distance but sometimes catches himself touching and brushing against Cas. Gabriel and he have always been physical so he's not sure if it bothers Castiel that it's Dean doing the touching or that it's anyone that's not his brother. He knows Cas has some hang ups over romance but he hasn't told Dean to stop his attempts, unless he just thinks Dean opens his home and kitchen to anybody who awkwardly stares at him. Dean laughs at the thought of a bunch of women standing stock still at a bar wearing crumpled suits, eyes on him with laser-like focus.  
-  
When Castiel enters the kitchen with butter and the oatmeal tin Dean looks like he's having a hysterical break down. Castiel puts the ingredients on the counter and walks over to Dean. 

"Are you-" Castiel starts. Dean whips around quickly, he's still smiling, his face is red and his ears pink. "okay?"

"Heya, Cas. I was just thinking about you." The way he says it implies humour, Castiel isn't sure if it means it's at his expense. He tilts his head in confusion and turns back to the ingredients. 

"I forgot eggs." He turns to head to the walk-in and steals a glance at Dean who smiles. "We'll need powdered sugar," he says off-handedly.

"Sure thing, Cas." Dean says enthusiastically.

He hears containers being moved and bowls set out and tries to calm himself. He's nervous and wants to get through this without making Dean feel like he has to hide himself because of Castiel. Castiel knows Dean wants, but is unsure of the context or extent. Gabriel has so far been useless in trying to figure that out. Gabriel is honest about his relationship with Dean. They are very close but not in the manner Castiel had first guessed. He thought they were exlusive, then he thought they were just sleeping together. Gabriel straightened him out quickly when he asked. He still doesn't know why Gabriel thinks Dean would be better with Castiel when Castiel can barely remember to feed himself.  
When he returns Dean straightens from leaning against the table. He pulls his arms over his head and stretches. Castiel puts the eggs in a small bowl to be cracked later. 

"We'll make the dough first since it takes the same amount of time to rest as the syrup to cook," Castiel says while taking the powdered sugar and dividing it.  
Castiel directs Dean through mixing the dough. Castiel gets powdered sugar on his nose and Dean resists touching him when he misses it every time he wipes his face. Castiel tells Dean about Christmases with Gabriel, his trip to Turkey with his friends, and the history of Turkish coffee.  
It isn't until they're setting the warm sticky cookies in the walk in that everything falls to shit. Dean swipes one off the tray and takes a big bite, making a large groan of pleasure. 

"Oh my god, Cas." He lets out around a mouthful of cookie. "These are so good."

Castiel smiles and lowly says, "My pleasure." He's looking at Dean intently. Dean says nothing, feeling like he's in a world changing moment. Dean swallows his mouthful and puts the other half of cookie down. He moves closer to Cas, who doesn't back down.

"Cas," he starts, "tell me-tell me I'm not the only one who wants this." He gestures between the two of them. Cas doesn't say anything but he keeps looking at Dean with doe eyes and it's breaking Dean. Castiel looks like he's deliberating.

Dean's not sure if it's the excitement of the day or the weird amount of sexual frustration that makes him so empty headed at that moment but he thinks Castiel's flirting and he thinks the disturbingly long eye contact they never back down from is what pushes him to think it's okay to try for a kiss. So when his lips brush Castiel's for a long heavenly second, it feels like ice water is dumped on him when Castiel pushes him away, looking hurt.

"Dean, I can't." Castiel looks frightened. "You won't understand."

"I would if you would just tell me. You don't have to be a friggin' mystery for people to want you around, man." Dean says in exasperation. He regrets it as soon as it leaves his mouth when Castiel slaps him and leaves.

Dean feels like an asshole so he finishes the rest of his work quickly and tells Gabriel he's heading home. He gets waved off and he leaves out the service door.  
He's in the middle of pulling lathe and plaster out of his closet when he stops trying to ignore how shitty he feels. His thoughts come back to Cas every time he walks around the new tub. The urge to drown the stone in his gut gets stronger with each pass. He calls Cas but there's no answer. It's too late to go to the shop and he's not sure he can deal with Gabe so he does what he's best at. He drinks. He's surprised at how small an amount of alcohol it takes to get him piss drunk.  
He's at the bar close to home so he doesn't have to drive. A few women in the booths are sending looks his way but he doesn't have the heart to smile back.  
He thinks about Cas frowning and that's enough for him to call it quits. He heads home and calls Cas. It goes to voicemail after a few rings. He passes out shortly after only to wake up a few hours later to vomit on his jacket, phone, and living room floor. He takes a shower and a few painkillers before heading to bed. He'll deal with everything in the morning.  
-  
Castiel is woken up in the middle of the night by Dean spam calling him again. He silences his phone and waits for a new voice message or a text. He's reluctant to listen to any half hearted apologies Dean would make but he can't get back to sleep. He listens to the voicemail, texts a reply and turns off his phone. He writes a note to Gabriel to deal with Dean and leaves it with his phone on the kitchen table before getting out his medication and heading back to bed. 

_I'm so fucking sorry, Cas. I ruin everything with people I care about. You're awesome because you dont put up with my shit and you're so fuckin' smart and so beautiful it hurts and you make me want to be a better guy so call me an asshole and a fuck up cos I deserve it, i deserve it all, Cas. I'll even let you have another swing at me, but please don't-_ **[BEEP] Delete, press seven; Save, press nine. For more options, press zero.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dean, you fool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this didn't turn out the way i wanted at all but i can't figure out how to fix it. I honestly hate dialogue.

When Dean wakes up for the day he has to clean up his living room. His phone case has puke all over it. Cleaning it makes him nauseous but he remembers enough to know he was able to get a hold of Cas so it's necessary he do it as quick as possible. There are no calls but there is an unsent text from him to Cas and a new one from Gabriel.

Cas: Good night, Dean.  
Me: i wanna take you on a date  
Me: wht kind of flowers do you like  
[Draft] Me: i bet its iris theye have blue ones like your eyes. your are so beautifgul cassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss... 

He reads the short exchange and regret and fear shoot through him hot like lightning. He can't ever keep his fucking mouth shut. He reads the new text before jumping in the impala and hopping on 70 to the lake. He needs some time away from the world.

Gabriel: You're off for the rest of the week. 

-

After a tepid cup of gas station coffee and a stale doughnut Dean comes to the realisation that he's doing the complete opposite of what he needs to. He heads back home to change and clean up before heading in to work.

Neither Cas nor Gabriel say anything when Dean arrives. Gabriel glares at Dean as he walks past and Castiel just plain ignores him. Dean heads to the kitchen where he belongs and starts baking. He makes some of the more difficult recipes, making sure each pastry is picturesque. He keeps the stock replenished and ensures Gabriel doesn't have to do more than load the safe and lock the doors. After closing, Dean watches Gabriel usher Castiel out the door in a hurry. Castiel looks like he's arguing with Gabriel.

Rather than torture himself, he decides to call Sam. It's been more than a year since they really spoke last and he's not quite sure Sam even wants to speak with Dean after he abandoned him during the week of John's funeral.  
Dean calls twice, getting the machine and hanging up each time. He doesn't know what to say and anything he would say he doesn't want on a machine. He misses his brother and doesn't think the best way to reconcile is by phone. The third time he calls, Sam finally picks up.

"Dean?" Sam sounds much older than Dean remembers and it pains him.

"Heya, Sammy." He's pushing his palms into his eyes, trying to stem the grief he's been distracting himself from feeling. "How've you been?"

"Dean, I've been so worried about you. You didn't show up to dad's funeral and then Deidre called me asking where the hell you were." Sam pauses and breathes out a deep sigh. "Dean, she said you haven't been to work in three months. She said she hasn't seen you since the day dad died. I was so scared you-" Sam abruptly stops. He's silent for a few moments, but Dean hears his breathing through the line. "Dean, where the hell have you been?"

"It's kind of a long story." Dean doesn't know where to start. He's actually grateful that Sam continues to chew him out for another ten minutes before allowing him to explain. He talks about Gabriel and his endless patience, Castiel and the undeserving attention Dean gets from him, and therapeutic baking. He tries to avoid talking about their father's house or the AA meetings Gabriel attends with him but they come bumbling out anyway. Sam says he's so proud of Dean and it makes Dean feel like an idiot for not calling him the first time he wanted to.  
It takes over two hours but by the time Dean runs out of things to say, he feels ten times lighter than he has in years. Sam is kind enough to forgive Dean for the silence after their father's passing but angry Dean ever thought he didn't deserve to be a part of Sam's life. They agree to speak more often and make open arrangements for visiting each other during the upcoming holiday.  
Dean lies in bed knowing he's going to get his ass righteously kicked and he's okay with that.  
\---  
The rest of the week is much the same as Tuesday afternoon. Dean stays in the back and Gabriel handles the customers and takes care of his brother. Thursday night Gabriel asks Dean into his office while he finishes the end of day reports. Dean removes his apron and gloves and heads back to where Gabriel is standing waiting for him. 

Dean squares his shoulders, closes his eyes and gestures to himself. "I'm ready."

He isn't ready for Gabriel wrapping his arms around him. "You're a real fucking idiot sometimes, Dean." They stand together for a few moments before Gabriel pulls away and walks to his desk, grabbing a box of herbal tea. "Tell me why you decided to undo all the shit work we put in to gettin' you away from the bars?"

"I don't know, man." Dean shrugs, avoiding eye contact.

Gabriel rolls his eyes and grabs Dean's face. "Start with you acting like an asshole, knucklehead."

"Which time?" Dean smiles through Gabe's hands. 

Gabe softens and sits on his desk, leaving Dean to shuffle awkardly. "I Figured I'd have maybe one beer. Guess I got carried away."

"And the voicemail?"

"To be honest I don't remember what I said. I read my text so I'm guessing it was something embarrassing."

Gabe gives a calculating look before clapping his hands and smiling."It's probably better if I don't tell you."

"Fuck. What did I say?"

"Just forget it, okay. Cassie's waiting for me. I'm not bringing him tomorrow aaand coincidentally, you have the day off." Gabriel stands and grabs his jacket and the box of tea. He tosses the tea to Dean and sidesteps his way around him.

Dean looks at the tea. "Uh...huh?"

Gabe sighs heavily. "Just fix your mess." He starts walking away. He makes it past the walk in before Dean calls to him. 

 

"Listen, I'm sorry." Dean has his hand out.  
Gabriel looks angry again. "You didn't hurt me so don't apologise to me." It comes out low, almost threatening.

"I didn't mean it that way."

"You want me to kick your ass now or let Castiel do it?"

"I'd deserve it."

"Good bye, Dean."

Before Gabriel leaves, Dean gives him another hug. "Thank you."

"Prove to us you want to be here, Dean. Prove to Cas you're worth the trouble."  
\------  
\--

Dean waits a few minutes after knocking on Gabriel's door. He can hear shuffling and movement inside so he waits patiently. When Castiel opens the door, he looks like he hasn't left his bed in days. Dean smiles and tries to keep his voice from shaking.

"Heya Cas, is Gabe home?"

Cas frowns. "You know he's not because you text him more than I do. What do you want?" He says, annoyed.

"I brought you some tea." 

Dean holds it out.

Cas looks down at it and raises an eyebrow. "Thank you, but I'm busy so if you could get to the point of your visit I'd appreciate it." He starts closing the door.

"Maybe I just wanted to have a goddamn cup of tea with a friend."

"A friend."

"Aren't we?"

"Gabriel isn't home." He closes the door. Dean stands staring at the door, hoping it will magically open and Cas will walk out and laugh, saying, "Gotcha!" He doesn't. Dean calls Gabriel.  
-  
"How can I apologise when he refuses to talk to me. He slammed the door in my face."

"What did you say to him?"

"Said I wanted to have some tea with a friend. What do I do now?"

"I suppose I should give the whole threatening big brother speech again but I'm too fucking tired." Gabe sighs. "Go around back, the garage door is unlocked. Just don't go in his room. He's weird about it."

"Thanks."

"Don't."

-  
He lets himself in, and makes his way to the closed door to the Cas' room. He waits a few seconds before knocking.

"Dean stopped by."

"Yeah, no, it's me. I'm sorry. I know you're busy. I'm just- I'm going to put the kettle on for you. When you're ready to come out, I'll be here."

-  
An hour passes before Castiel decides to leave his room, curious if Dean was willing to wait. Dean is in the kitchen huddled over the table with his head resting in his arms. 

"Hello, dean." Castiel slides into the chair across from him and Dean lifts his head and stretches his arms above it. His hair is flat where it was resting against his forearm and he has small red indents on this forehead. His eyes are glassy as if he had just been woken from a full sleep. Even now, Castiel cannot bring himself to think of anything more beautiful to compare. He's pleasantly surprised at the heat that fills his chest and spreads throughout his body.

"Hey, Cas." Dean gives half a smile and blinks a few times, his eyes not leaving Castiel's until Castiel breaks contact to gesture at the box of tea next to Dean.

"So you brought tea."

"Yeah, herbal. 'S pretty tame compared to some of the stuff I've made you. I'll put the kettle back on. I'm sorry about earlier. I should have just said what I wanted so you wouldn't have to come out here."

"You waited an hour to tell me this."

"Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I couldn't get myself to leave." Dean rubs the back of his neck and Castiel is willing to bet on his life that Dean would have stayed the entire night waiting for him.

"What do you want?"

"You know, we talk but I still don't know much about you."

"But you do."

"I don't though. Not really. I said shit that hurt you. Even before that I kept saying things that made you feel uncomfortable. You say you're fine but I think it still bothers you. Gabe says things and I join in and even though it makes you red in the face you never say anything."

"So what do you want to know."

"Why get a doctorate in sex stuff if you hate sex?"

"I don't hate it. I find others attractive, I just don't particularly feel the sexual desire that is supposed to accompany it. Looking at an attractive person feels the same as looking at a nice painting."

"So sex would be like brushing your teeth or something boring."

"Not something so mundane, no. More like dancing to my favourite music. It can be enjoyable with the right person though I do not actively seek it out."

"And your sex parties?"

"Why stop someone from exploring their sexual identity? I thought something was wrong with how I felt. Friends of mine would try to get me to date and I couldn't see the point. Every dinner ended in me explaining how unnecessary it was for them to go to great lengths to get me to sleep with someone. After awhile I started allowing the experimentation they were trying. I would ask for demonstrations, encourage them to switch partners or talk about their fetishes. I felt more of use as a sexual teacher than as a sexual being. I admit, I tried engaging at some points but it felt quite pointless. There was no connection, no passion or enjoyment. Physically it felt pleasant, but I would have rather been reading a book or soaking in a hot bath."

"So why do you let me flirt with you?"

"Just because I don't need to have sex doesn't mean I don't like to feel wanted. I know you are friendly with everyone."

"Cas. You're different. It's different with us. You have no idea."

"I do. Believe me, I feel light when you're with me. I hear you humming in my dreams. Always the same song. You do it when you bake, did you know?"

"I catch myself sometimes, yeah. Do you know the song?"

"You were humming it when you drove me to your home the first night. I don't know the song, but I know I like it."

"God, Cas. I'm so fucking sorry for what I did."

"Dean, you didn't know."

"Doesn't mean it was okay. You don't deserve that."

"It's nothing I haven't dealt with before."

"You shouldn't have to in the first damn place. I spent hours tearing apart the closet. Every damn moment I wanted to go back to the shop and apologise, to make it up to you, but I didn't know how." Dean looks angry with himself and Castiel should be used to that by now so he takes Dean's hand and holds eye contact with him. 

Castiel smiles and softly says, "You can take me to dinner." Dean gapes like a fish until Castiel lifts his chin. 

"Cas, I don't want to push you. I'm happy just being your friend, really."

"You won't be. I won't be. We can have this. I just need some time."

"Don't think this means I don't have to make anything up to you."

"Your penchant for self punishment is admirable though unnecessary, Dean. Your ignorance is partially my fault. I should have been more clear about myself and what to expect. I usually am. I don't know why I thought it would be different if I wasn't."

Dean smiles at him and leans in as if he's telling Castiel a secret. "You like me."

"Of course, you're pleasant to be around."

Dean grabs his hand. "You _like_ like me."

Castiel twines his fingers around Dean's and squeezes. "Are we fumbling teenagers?"

"Gabe said I should take you to prom."

Castiel snorts and rolls his eyes. "I'm sure he called me a robot as well. Things never change with him."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think this chapter was kind of stilted. I'm trying to leave interpretation between moments up to the reader but also not leave out so much that it's too vague. If you're curious about one of the characters ongoing motivations please let me know, i will either try to edit or add to a later chapter more of their points of view. Thank you for your patience, this is still a learning process for me. As I said before, much of this is from experience and not meant to cheapen, mock, or destroy any progress made for those who have trouble with sexual dysfunction and identity, mental illness, or addiction. Our journeys to discover ourselves and our boundaries are unique and sometimes painful, but they are ours and it helps us learn and grow and hopefully teach others who struggle with similar issues that things can get better.

Dean has been staring at the clock for the past fifteen minutes, waiting for his shift to end. He's really excited to take Cas out to dinner before showing him the progress he's made on the bathroom and on Cas' future room. He's glad Castiel is being more receptive of his flirting and setting his boundaries with Dean. Dean was worried at first, not knowing if he was being inappropriate with Cas. They spent the night watching shitty sci-fi movies and drinking Cas' tea. Once Cas felt comfortable enough he spoke more about his hesitations regarding their friendship. Dean knew about Cas' hangups with sex but to hear the extent, to hear the way Castiel had been treated by previous partners made him feel like he was another person to add onto Cas' evergrowing anxiety about not being enough for anybody. Castiel had said he felt broken and all Dean could do was gape like a fish. He felt like an asshole when Castiel started crying and refused to let Dean hold him. 

"Not yet." Castiel said. "I don't want to hug you when I'm angry. I don't want to remember it like this."

Castiel was angry at himself, Dean knows that much. He knows he couldn't be that strong without breaking either and wonders if that's why Gabriel is so cheerful even when he's having bad days. If it weren't for him, Dean thinks, neither of them would have made it this far.

All of his side work is done and he's just waiting for Gabe to come up and change drawers. It would be his great ass luck that someone he knows would walk in.  
Lisa. A whole wonderful symphony could be written to the thought of the weekend Dean spent with her a few years back. She looks even more beautiful than he remembers. He beelines to her hoping Cas is still focused on his paperwork.

"Hey, Lis!" He takes a few slow steps toward her. Once she recognises Dean she has trouble covering her ambivalance towards him. Dean keeps smiling, keeping his goal at getting her out of there as quick as he can.

"Dean! Hey! Hello. Wow! I never thought I'd see you here." 

"I kind of work here now." 

"Oh, uh wow. How long have you been back?" 

"I came back this summer. My dad passed away."

"I'm sorry to hear that." Lisa sounds sad but her eyes keep darting to the door. Dean tries to move on.

"Me too." He claps his hands nervously and heads to the counter, beckoning her along. "So how, uh, how have you been?"

"Good. Really good." Her eyes are looking everywhere but at Dean. She's silent a bit too long so Dean takes his chance to get her out of there.

"So what can I get you?"

"Oh uh- Just a coffee, I guess."

"I'm guessing you've never been here before."

"Some of the girls at work keep talking about it and I figured I'd see what all the fuss was about. Guess I know now." Dean tries to keep his thoughts and emotions in a box and keep things objective; Get her a coffee and show her out. He heads around the counter, passing a very curious and very quiet Gabriel, and fills her cup.

"Cream and sugar?"

"Please."

"It's on the house." He avoids Gabe's wild look and hands her the coffee, heading back around the counter to show her out.

"Oh Dean, you don't have to do that."

"It's not a problem. I'll see you around." He's opening the door and ushering her out and she's just going with it.

"Yeah, I'd like that." Just as he turns to head back in, she calls his name again. He keeps his face from crumpling. "If I give you my number, will you call?"

"Lisa," Dean starts but Lisa interrupts, speaking quickly like she had to summon the courage to say anything in the first place. 

"I'm not expecting boyfriend material, Dean. I know you're a one night kind of guy or well...you know. It was nice though and if you're still interested, I wouldn't say no."

"I kind of have someone."

"Oh. Oh! Well, congratulations. She must be something special." Before he has a chance to say any more, she lifts her cup in salute and starts walking away. "Thanks for the coffee."

Dean's not sure what he should be feeling. The weekend with Lisa has always been one of his better memories and before this summer, he'd always hoped for an encore performance. Things between him and Cas have had him rethinking a lot of his plans for the future. Sam would be proud to know he's finally settling into his life. He makes his way back in to pay for the coffee and braces himself for Gabriel's slew of questions. Before he reaches the counter he glances in Cas' direction and thankfully he's still practically faceplanted against his notebook. 

"So who's the babe?"

"Remember the yoga instructor I told you about?"

"Oh wow. Yeah, man. Why the hurry to get her to leave?"

"She offered me her number."

"And?"

"I'm trying to put the past where it belongs. I'm working on being the good guy for once." Gabe grabs his cash and puts it into the register. 

"You've been doing a pretty good job so far. Did you clock out?"

"Yeah."

Gabriel puts his hand on his hip and looks Dean over. "You still taking Cas to dinner?" He says suspiciously.

"Yeah why wouldn't I?"

Gabriel shrugs. "Didn't know if that girl was giving you second thoughts."

"Cas is my friend, first of all. Nothing's going to change that. Whatever else is going on we're taking one day at a time. It's probably just proximital attraction or whatever Cas called it."

"You gotta be fucking kidding me right now. Proximal attraction; Really?!"

"What? Just because Lisa comes in for a fucking coffee all of a sudden I have to make a decision on how I see Cas? This is the first time I've seen her in years. She looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her up after she recognised me."

"It's not about the girl. Well...I mean that's cool you're Mr. Nice Guy now. But you're gonna use Castiel's bullshit to keep yourself out of the relationship of the century? That's gold."

"He's the one telling me this shit, man. I'm trying to be respectful."

"Listen, all I'm saying is I've never in my life seen someone spend almost half an hour looking at purses for a guy he's known for two weeks." 

"They were messenger bags and it was for his birthday. You've seen the zipper on strings he was carrying around." Dean's face is red. He was so proud to find a bag that was as big as Cas' old one but more durable. Cas said he didn't want anything too expensive but Dean couldn't resist the leather bag. Durable and a classic style. He would have bought one for himself if he had a use for it. "He liked it, that's all that matters. You saw how happy he was to hang out with both of us."

"That is a lame ass excuse and you know it. My brother doesn't just hang out. Do you know how hard it is to get him to go grocery shopping with me? You ask him to do something and he's on your fucking heels. Get your head out of your ass."

"Cas and I are working on what we have. If I get a little too close and he goes along with it, great! That's as far as we've gotten. When he wants to change the rules that's awesome too. If not, whatever. Until then, I'm good. I don't see why you're making a huge deal outta this." Gabriel pushes past Dean and throws his apron on the counter.

"Just get outta here. Get your damn bathroom finished so I can have morning shift back."

"Yeah, yeah." Dean shoos Gabriel to the kitchen.

"And keep him safe."

"I will."

"Dean," and damn Gabriel for being scary as hell when he wants to be. 

"On my word, Gabe." Gabriel waves him off and Dean heads over to Castiel's table.

 

\------------------

Castiel tries to ignore the sound of the woman's voice as she speaks to Dean. She sounds shocked but happy. He's unsure if he wants to attempt a glance at her.   
He knows if she and Dean know each other, she will be very attractive. He continues his work until he hears her talk about 'boyfriend material.' He feels possessed as his head whips around to see them at the doors. She is stunningly beautiful, almost unbelievably so. Castiel feels nausea creeping up on him so he turns back to his work and ignores everything but the words in front of him.

He's furiously writing in his notebook when Dean taps at his shoulder. He shrugs the hand away as he finishes the last two sentences. Dean's smiling when Castiel finally looks up at him. Castiel merely gathers his things before making his way to the door, Dean silently trailing behind him. He makes it to Dean's car before Dean asks him if he's okay.

"She was pretty." He keeps his voice flat and even, though he's trembling. She would easily find her way into Dean's life and fill all the roles Castiel couldn't.

"Lisa? yeah. I met her a long time ago. Been almost ten years since I last saw her."

"Happy reunion?"

"Not really, no." Dean says it lightly and shakes his head. "So you hungry?" 

"Not really, no." Cas mimics Dean and it makes Dean laugh.

"Here I thought you and Gabe didn't have anything in common. What's wrong?"

"Why weren't you happy to see her?" 

"Things didn't work out between me and her. I kinda don't wanna talk about that." Dean looks guilty but says no more so Castiel asks something he really doesn't want the answer to.

"Are we dating?" He tries to make the question offhanded, like an impulsive thought even though it's been on his mind since the day Dean tried to apologise for the day he drank.

"Uh, yeah. Kinda. I dunno. I'd like to think so."

"Okay." 

"Right. So you're gonna have to pick out the colour of paint for your room. I've got the primer down already."

"We haven't decided whether or not I'm going to be renting from you."

"If you don't want to stay with me, that's fine. Gabe told me you just didn't want to do it because I work for him. Either way, I was going to fix up the bathroom, so it's not a big deal. Just tell me if you don't want to stay with me, I won't be offended or anything."

"I want to. I just feel as if you would be expecting sex were we to date and I moved in."

"Cas-just-- Let's keep doing what we're doing. If you start labeling shit and making it complicated it's not going to work. Okay?"

"Of Course."

"Alright."

"Yes."

"Good."

"Good."

"Cas-"

"Yes, Dean."

"You're killing me, man. You really are." Castiel smiles and pats Dean's shoulder. Dean squeezes his hand before starting the car. "You wanna get dinner or shop first?"

"I'm not hungry yet."

"Good. You can pick out the paint then. I want to replace the carpet in the main bedroom with wood, you can help pick that out too."

"It's your room, Dean. You should get what you like."

"I know. I just. I want you to like it too. You're going to be living with me and I want you to have input on what goes in it."

"Can I pick out new curtains then?"

"Anything you want, Cas."

They smile at each other and similar happy thoughts are running through their heads. Dean feels at home and it should frighten him, but all he feels is warmth. He holds his out next to Cas, palm up. It doesn't take more than a moment for Cas to grab it and twine their fingers together.

"Thank you, Dean."  
-

 

Picking out curtains with Cas is simultaneously the best and worst thing Dean has experienced in a long time. Castiel is enthusiastic about all of the patterns and textures available. Dean is left holding all of the different samples Castiel has chosen as potential picks. He wants a different set for each room of the house but doesn't want to have to colour coordinate. Dean wants Cas to be happy with his picks and realises that Cas is going to want to choose paint for each room that will go with the curtains. He sees throw pillows and afghans and dish sets coming next. Bedding sets and shower curtains and door mats embellished with their initials. Who takes the other's last name?

In the time that it takes Castiel to pick three sets of curtains, Dean has seen his and Cas' future pan out in his head and he is trembling with excitement and nervous fear. He wants so desperately that it's terrifying him. He's sweating and he hopes Castiel won't notice. 

"I think these will do nicely with flat paints. Maybe eggshell. It'll need to be something we can clean..." Castiel looks at Dean. He's not sure what Dean's thinking, he looks like he doesn't want to be there. "...is everything alright?"

"What? Oh yeah, just fine." Dean smiles thinly and plays with the edges of one of the samples. "I hope this one is in your room, I don't think it'll fit in anywhere else." Dean stiffens as soon as he says it. "Sorry, that's not--you know I didn't mean it like that, right?"

Castiel rolls his eyes and grabs the sample. "Traditional curtains are overrated." He leans toward Dean and says lowly, "It's your room too, you know." He's smiling wide, all teeth, and it takes Dean a moment to process why. 

"Oh! Oh. My. God. Really?" He laughs. "You sure that's a good idea?"

"As long as you stop throwing your socks on the floor," Cas takes a hesitant step toward Dean. He wraps an arm around Deans shoulder, "I'm going to kiss you, okay?"


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you notice mistakes please let me know. the POV is usually pretty unreliable and switches a lot but this chapter i couldnt seem to settle on who would be the most reliable without making a slight misunderstanding. conflict resolution makes for a fulfilling story or whatever

The kiss, Castiel thinks at the time, is tamer than what he had expected as far as what kissing Dean should be like. He had hoped to feel time slow, for metaphorical fireworks, and for that longing heat to leap to life within his chest. Dean is gentle with him, holding Castiel's face in his hands as he tries to keep the kiss from being anything other than chaste. Castiel tries to deepen it hoping it will spark _something_ inside only for Dean to pull away.

"Cas, man. Don't push yourself." Castiel frowns at Dean who chuckles and pulls him close.   
"Don't get me wrong, okay, I _really_ like this, I want to kiss you, but it just doesn't feel right jumping into that. I just found out you're okay with moving in with me, we don't have to move so quickly."

"But Dean," He's scowling and it's keeping Dean from being able to think properly.

"Castiel listen, okay. I want you, I do, but I want to do this right."

"Dean what is right? What is the proper pace? Isn't that something we should decide together?" Castiel is trying to keep a level voice, he's anxious and no longer in the mood to be in the middle of a store full of people much less trying to convince Dean he can be enough when it counts. Dean gives him a pitying look and sets aside the curtain samples before taking Castiel's hands and pulling him close. 

Dean cautiously moves closer to Cas and kisses Cas' temple. He whispers, "Cas we have all the time in the world, okay? We just picked out curtains for our house. We'll need matching paint and dishes and all that other fun shit. Sand on the beach, right?" Dean's swaying with Cas in the middle of the aisle trying to talk him down, and it's pissing Castiel off.

"Grains of sand." Castiel corrects.

"Bricks on a building." Dean brushes Castiel's hair back and kisses his cheek.

"I don't need kid gloves, Dean."

"You don't, no." Dean kisses the side of his mouth. "Isn't it better to move slow, to build up a little suspense?" He kisses the other side of Castiel's mouth and this close his eyelashes are so long and dark, his freckles a constellation Castiel wants to learn. 

"You can't distract me, Dean."

"I like a challenge." He smiles and ruffles Castiel's hair before pulling away and grabbing the squares of fabric. "Well I'm long past starving. How about we get some dinner and if you're up to it we can pick up the paint after. I want to get the first coat down tonight that way we can see what it looks like when it dries before we get more."

Castiel is still upset, more with himself than with Dean. He pushed himself too hard and Dean pushed back to slow him down but he feels like a child who didn't get his way. "I need to get my things from Gabriel's."

"Cas, you don't have to do everything tonight. Let's finish up the remodeling that way you can have a nice area to work and relax." Dean's pulling him along through the store grabbing odds and ends needed to finish the small jobs he started in their bedroom. Castiel doesn't think that's something he'll get used to thinking about. He rushed himself into agreeing to living with Dean. Pushed himself to kiss Dean. 

He feels hot and cold and dizzy. What if Dean just wanted to date him? There doesn't need to be commitment to date. Did he assume that he'd be the only one? Lisa said Dean's not boyfriend material, is that what she meant? Is that why Dean didn't want to label their relationship?  
-  
Cas stops in the middle of the aisle while Dean is looking for more drywall putty. Dean is comparing two different brands, humming while he reads the labels on each. "I'm feeling barbeque ribs tonight, Cas. You craving anything?" Dean casts a glance up to see Castiel stock still staring ahead. His face is pale though his neck is pink and his hands are shaking. "Cas?" Dean puts the putty in the basket and slowly walks over to his friend. "Castiel." He touches Cas' elbow and calls again. Castiel shakes his head and takes a deep breath. 

"Sorry. I was-I'm sorry." Castiel says quickly.

"Cas what's wrong, man?" Dean wraps his fingers around Castiel's arm but doesn't move any closer. Castiel grabs his hand and squeezes gently. 

"I may have pushed myself too far." 

"You maybe wanna find somewhere to sit down?"

"Yes. Could you call Gabriel and have him meet us?"

"Yeah, man, of course. We can head back, I can make dinner at his place if you want." Dean says offhandedly. Cas shakes his head and puts out his hands.

"No, no it's fine. I'd like a sundae. I don't want to end the night yet. I just need to calm myself."

"Okay."

"Extra caramel sauce." Cas says.

"No cherries, right?" Dean knows Cas doesn't like maraschino on his ice cream, but he wants to make sure.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what? You didn't do anything wrong."

"I wanted this to-I thought I could be a proper boyfriend." Castiel is so flustered and it makes Dean's heart flutter.

"Cas you're perfect the way you are, okay? I told you, we start forcing it everything is going to fall apart. Okay?"

"Dean,"

"Castiel please, just-Don't argue with me on this. I've screwed up so many relationships, if there's one thing I can be one hundred percent on, it's that."

Castiel drops the subject. Dean takes them to a small diner downtown. He orders a basket of chicken and fries to-go and they split it in the parking lot of the cafe while waiting for Gabriel to close. They watch the cars come in and out of the parking lot, listening to the sounds of the town. Dean clears his throat as if to start a conversation a few times but never says anything. Castiel is going for the ice at the bottom of his drink when Dean finally speaks up.

"So when are you going to do your speaking thing at the college?" 

"The psychology professor said he will contact me when they figure out a good schedule to hold the lectures. He wants to do it before the annual convention though so I'm hoping before Christmas, but it may not be until spring. It doesn't matter to me either way as I'd like to finish my book and start editing it."  
Dean just nods his head and goes back to eating the last of the fries. Cas watches the gentle movement of his fingers as he scoops at the ketchup spread among the wax paper. When Dean brings the fries to his mouth they make eye contact. Dean puts the fries back down and smiles. 

"You didn't want these right?"

"No, go ahead." Cas mimics a smile to encourage Dean but he's not feeling particularly well. He ate too much chicken. He should have just ordered the sundae he was craving. They called Gabriel and he suggested they have a night in and he make the sundaes himself. It was a sort of tradition that Gabriel make some sort of dessert dish when Castiel was feeling down. Castiel knows he's being ridiculous but can't stop the wave of fear of abandonment that keeps cresting every time Dean smiles. How long until someone better comes along? Dean has only known Castiel for a little over a month, it's ridiculous to think they would even be this far in any sort of relationship. Castiel has never felt connected to someone like he is with Dean but he's not quite sure if it's just because he'd been alone for so long or if they have a mutual connection. 

Dean gives Castiel courage to push himself. He's patient and kind and tries his very best to be understanding when he can't help Castiel. When Castiel tries to think of what he offers Dean he comes up with nothing other than polite conversation. He still doesn't understand why Gabriel and Dean didn't work. They seem to complement each other in every way, as far as Castiel can tell.

Castiel doesn't realise he's still staring in Dean's direction. Dean hasn't looked away either. When Castiel looks down he embarrassingly blurts out, "What am I bringing to this relationship?"

Dean's taken by surprise and barks out a laugh which he tries to quiet once he realises Castiel is serious. "Cas when you are building a relationship with someone you want in your life you make sure you have something to offer, that you can be the one to help them dream big and achieve those dreams. My brother taught me a lot about that. Gabriel too. The people I care about, I want to give them everything they deserve. I wanna do my best to give them what they always wanted."

"That seems like an ill-considered way of showing your affection. Emotionally draining, not to mention the resources you would use if their dreams included extensive purchases or real estate..."

"Cas, none of that matters as long as they're happy."

"What do you get out of it? If you obtain happiness by burdening yourself with our troubles, how do you continue being happy?"

Cas is tilting his head trying to figure out a decent answer before Dean says something self deprecating but he can't quite grasp any idea other than Dean thinking he doesn't deserve the same happiness. It's a ridiculous thought, but it haunts him through the night.   
He lets Dean change the subject and when Gabriel arrives he stays quiet and lets them take over for the night. Gabriel and Dean paint all the rooms except for the living room where they lay together and watch animated movies once they finish up the work. Castiel falls asleep to the sound of gentle laughter and flirtatious conversation that never really seems to go anywhere. His last thought before sleep claims him is that he understands Dean even though he will never really _understand_ Dean. It's confusing and depressing and slightly exciting but he's too tired to care.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the morning after, in a sense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very short chapter, sorry. dean and gabriel still do need time for themselves in a way. no they're not together any longer, it's just the type of friendship they have. Nothing says, "I used to sleep with my boss" like making breakfast for him after a botched date with his brother.
> 
> [ETA: I consolidated the next two chapters and put them here because they were too short for me to feel comfortable. I don't want to make it a habit posting 700 word chapters when I was previously posting at least 2k]

Dean can't sleep. Gabriel is snoring in his ear and the arm Castiel is lying on is numb. Dean wants to turn over and hold him properly but he doesn't want to pull away from Gabriel. He's not sure how to keep Castiel from pulling away from him after yesterday. He's worried Castiel is going to isolate himself like the first time Dean told Cas he was interested in him. 

He wants to make sure Cas is comfortable around him in the house without Castiel feeling like he has to make himself touch and be around Dean all the time. Dean just wants his company and even if Cas stays in his room all day Dean feels happier and more at ease knowing he's close; he feels protective over Castiel. 

Gabriel mentioned a way to get Castiel used to the new situation, especially if Castiel is the one who prompted it, is to spoil him silly. Dean's got a few activities he's been planning for them that he'll adjust for the purpose but he thinks it's going to be a lot more difficult than just going with whatever Castiel wants to do. 

Castiel keeps pushing himself which can be a good thing but if he keeps shutting down, Dean thinks that in the long run Cas is going to resent him for the situation. Dean doesn't want to ruin him for relationships like the others have. He doesn't have any real experience in the relationship field so he's using all the advice he's ever heard from other people and so far he's suprised but happy it hasn't blown up in his face. 

He extracts his arm from Castiel without too much trouble but ends up elbowing Gabriel in the process. Gabriel sits up rubbing his side. His hair is a mess and he's still got drool on the side of his cheek.  


"Good morning to you too." He lays back down after Dean stands up and starts stretching. They slept on the floor since Cas had fallen asleep on the couch. He must have gotten up during the night to join them which Dean thinks is a mistake. If Cas is even half as sore as Dean is right now, they're going to be hearing about it for days.  
Gabriel rolls over and gently pulls Castiel to him before telling Dean, "Make me breakfast. I'm feeling pancakes and sausage. Ooh! Grits too. Cas puts sugar in his. Lots of butter, please." Castiel rubs his face into Gabriel's shoulder but doesn't wake. "And heat up some water for his tea."

Dean heads to the bathroom mumbling about workers rights.

-

 

Gabriel lies with Cas and strokes his hair thinking of ways he can help Castiel warm up to the new living situation. He starts humming a song Dean told him Cas loves. Cas tightens his grip on Gabe and it makes Gabriel smile. He hasn't spent much time with his brother since they came back from New York, which he doesn't mind since it means Dean is more productive in the kitchen and Cas keeps off of his computer. Gabriel's happy Castiel and Dean have each other but he's worried about them taking too long to open their fucking eyes and act like adults. Cas is going to talk himself into another breakdown and Dean out of a fruitful relationship and Gabriel isn't sure he can handle the fallout. He soothes Castiel until Dean comes downstairs to start breakfast. Gabriel grabs a blanket and pushes it in the spaces where he held Cas before getting up to help Dean. He heads into the kitchen and sits himself atop the counter next to the sink. Dean's pulling eggs and butter out of the fridge.

"So are you numbskulls going to go on an actual date or are you skipping straight past the honeymoon into humdrum domesticity?" Gabriel grabs a spatula from the hook and tosses it next to the stove. Dean gives him a dirty look.

"Dude, if you're that curious about Castiel's dick, maybe you should ask him if he'd be into a roll or two." 

Without missing a beat Gabriel gleefully responds, "Didn't think you were that kinky, Deano. You and your baby bro ever make it happen?"

"God you really have no shame, do you?"

"None. So is your brother going to visit for Thanksgiving?"

"Oh my god, Gabriel."

"Oh," Gabriel starts laughing, "Not- I wasn't on that convo anymore forget that. I just wanted to know what kind of plans to make for the holidays."

"I don't want to know how your mind works. Give me fuckin whiplash, man."

"I'll admit that was my fault. I'm just trying to figure out some things to do to help Castiel acclimate a little."

"Yeah, same here." Dean mixes the batter for the pancakes and starts looking to see if he has Grits. He finds a box of chocolate wheat cereal he bought when Cas stayed over last and holds it up to Gabriel. "Will these work?"

Gabriel sticks his tongue out and makes a disgusted noise but grabs the box. "I'll make em. Gotta doctor these up pretty good to make them taste less like sweetened cardboard."  
Gabriel looks through to fridge for milk or cream or anything that would make the boxed mix edible when he moves enough tupperware to see the cans of beer in the back of the fridge. He takes a deep breath and tries to stay calm, hoping for the most positive of explanations. "Honestly hoping you just forgot these were back here, man. I thought we got rid of the old stash."

Dean gives him a confused look before peering in to see what Gabriel is referring to. He gives an embarrassed chuckle and rubs the back of his neck nervously. "I uh. Well, I know I didn't buy them recently. I haven't had any, I swear. There's still six."

"I see that." Gabriel says curtly.

"Sorry." Dean holds his hand out for the cans. "Let's toss 'em, yeah?" Gabriel scrutinises him before handing him the cans. 

"At least recycle. If you're going to be doing shit like this; are you sure you should have stopped going to the group?" 

Dean shrugs and opens them, pouring them into the sink. He throws the empty cans into the blue pail next to the trash and moves on pouring out pancake batter onto the heated griddle. "It's fine. Look I had a rough day, I don't even remember why the hell I thought it was a good idea, okay? Next time I'll call you. Can we make breakfast now?" Dean's aggravated but more at himself. He didn't remember even buying a six pack, much less hiding it in the back of his fridge. He wonders if he had done it the night he tried to kiss Castiel.  
"If you need us, we're always here for you, Dean." Gabriel grabs his arm and turns him so they're face to face. "We care about you, more than you think."

"I know." Dean says sadly.

"You're such a fucking idiot sometimes." Gabriel smacks Dean's chest. Dean's eyes go wide at him. "We're not going to hate you for screwing up a few times."

Dean doesn't know what to say to defend his train of thought but Gabriel is right. It's not going to stop him from worrying about it, though. Gabriel goes back to getting things together to make Castiel his chocolate cereal and Dean back to the pancakes.  
-  
Castiel wakes up shaking. He doesn't remember his dream but he remembers the fear. He looks around for Gabriel and Dean but the living room is empty. He hears voices in the kitchen so he heads upstairs to clean up.

When he heads into the kitchen Dean and Gabriel are sitting opposite each other with their plates. The empty spot between them has a cup of tea and a plate of pancakes. He sits and looks at the pancakes closely. They're in different shapes and sizes with some being overcooked and a few just shy of undercooked.

"Should I worry?" He says jokingly. Dean and Gabriel laugh as if on cue and it does worry Castiel that they would be acting like this. It's never good news when Gabriel's accommodating.

Gabriel taps Castiel's foot with his own to get his attention and smiles. "I made you cereal but Dean made me burn it."

"Least I made some great pancakes." Dean gestures to Cas' fork. Castiel grabs it and cuts a piece from the pancake that looks most like what a pancake should. He tries a bite and it's lighter and moister than it looks. Castiel moans in pleasure and watches Dean sit up straighter and his fingers curl over his plate. Gabriel's grinning at Castiel and Castiel wonders why he's holding back from all the innuendo available to him.

"See? Not as bad as they look." Gabriel says before getting up to get his own. Cas takes another bite when Gabriel takes his chance. "Dean's sausage is great, by the way." Cas starts coughing on his pancake and Dean has a thunderous look on his face.

"Gabriel!" Dean says, patting Cas' back and handing him the tea. Gabe places a saucer with small sausage links next to Castiel's plate.

"Well it is." Gabriel says. Once Castiel calms down Dean pats his hand and gets up to get his food.  
Breakfast is uneventful after that. They stay in amicable silence until their plates are empty. Castiel begins attempted apologies for the night before and Gabriel shushes him.

"Castiel stop. It was nothing. I haven't spent a lot of time with you guys and we haven't exactly discussed you moving in with Dean." Gabriel says. Cas breathes in and straightens his posture. "I'm excited that you guys are finally becoming closer and we understand that you're gonna need some time to adjust. If you wanna keep your things at my place and go home with Dean at the end of the day it's fine with me. If you want to do it all at once, it's okay too. You do what makes you happy, okay?" Gabriel waits for Castiel to nod and asks, "Dean is that okay with you?"

The brothers look to Dean who is smiling like he won the lottery. "Yeah, yes! Of course. Cas you do what makes you comfortable. I'd be happy to have you here, I mean, you said already that you'd stay with me and I said it's okay but it definitely is okay." Dean's ears are pink and he just keeps talking excitedly. The nervousness making Castiel hesitant is slowly slipping away.

"Thank you, Dean." Castiel grabs Dean's hand. "Gabriel." Gabriel throws an arm around Castiel's shoulder.

"My pleasure." He winks at Castiel. Dean makes an annoyed sound. "So are we going to see what furniture we can get to match your lovely curtain sets?"  
\---  
Shopping with Gabriel is tiring. He keeps bouncing and running to whatever catches his eye before walking circles around both Dean and Castiel, asking them what they think. Castiel hasn't found anything yet that would look like how he'd imagined for the living room and Dean doesn't seem to be interested in anything on display. Castiel wants to talk with Dean; needs to ask Dean to explain exactly what they are to each other so he can quiet the voices in his head saying he's not good enough.  
They leave the store with a few things for the kitchen and Gabriel buys Castiel a wall clock for the room that will become his office. Castiel makes up his mind to come back and look when he starts feeling better. He'll remember to bring the paint and curtain samples so he can coordinate better as well.  
-  
They spend the rest of the day clearing out Dean's old room to turn it into an office space for Castiel. Taking apart the bed and moving it into Sam's old room takes the longest because Dean has to move all of his father's things that were in Sam's room. When Gabriel asks what he's going to do with the items, Dean makes a face and heads up to the attic. Castiel is left with handing him the boxes from the bottom of the steps.

"Maybe we should call Sam." Castiel suggests. Dean doesn't say no, but he doesn't agree either. Gabriel pulls out his phone and starts dialing. He hands his phone to Castiel.

"I'm going to make some food." He says as he heads downstairs.  
-  
The phone rings twice before a gentle voice answers. "Hello?"

"Sam Winchester?"

"Speaking."

"Hello, Sam. My name is Castiel, I'm a-" He wonders how to word his relationship with Dean. "-close friend of Dean's and I was calling to-"

"Is he okay?" The words rush out of Sam, scared.

"Yes, yes, I'm sorry, he's fine." He pauses to hear Sam's relieved exhale. "We were moving some of the boxes out of your room here and I was just curious to know if there was anything in particular you'd like to do with them. Your fathers things are going to be in the attic but there are some here with your name. I didn't know if you'd like them or if we should put the items back after we remodel the rooms."

"Is Dean there now?" Sam asks.

"Yes, he's in the attic. Hiding most likely." Cas means to say it in jest but it comes out too serious and he hopes Dean didn't hear. Sam's nervous laughter doesn't help. "Would you like to speak to him?"

"Yeah. Yeah, if it's not too much trouble, thank you Castiel." Sam sounds very sincere and Castiel feels prideful for being able to help.

"Of course, Sam. It was nice speaking with you, I hope to see you on Thanksgiving."

"Oh, I'm not going to make it for Thanksgiving. Jess' grandfather isn't doing well and we figured we'd visit but we won't have enough time to head to Kansas and get back in time for-"

"Sam, I'm sure Dean will understand. We look forward to having you both when you can make it." Sam hums but says nothing more on the matter. Castiel takes it as his cue to pass the phone to Dean so he heads to the stairs of the attic and calls out. "Dean, I have Sam on the phone if you'd like to speak with him."

Castiel hears thumps of footsteps across the ceiling and a box being knocked over. "Shit. I got it, give me a second." Dean says loudly.  
Castiel hands the phone up to Dean and heads downstairs to check on Gabriel. Dean's tone is light but objective and it worries Castiel that Dean won't open up to his brother.

-

Gabriel is in the middle of cooking dinner when Castiel comes in. He picks up a knife and starts cutting the vegetables Gabriel placed on the counter.

"How goes the brother drama?" Gabriel asks.

"Dean still needs constant validation. I know it's not something he can get over but I had hoped our being around him would help. It would have been nice if his brother could have made it for the holiday." Castiel says sadly.

"He's not coming?" Gabriel looks shocked. "He promised! He was so excited. What's going on?"

"His girlfriend's grandfather is dying. He says he'll make it up to us. I thought about us visiting them for the New Year, if everyone agreed."

"Yeah, yeah that sounds good." Gabriel says happily. "Hey, Dean's birthday is in January so I think it would work out. When are you going to start your lectures?"

Castiel stiffens and tries to remain nonchalant. "I had a disagreement with the professor over the subject of my first lecture. I've decided to start working on my book again instead. It's easier for all of us if I take this at my own pace." Castiel turns back to the vegetables. Gabriel walks over and takes the knife out of Castiel's hand before pulling him into a hug. Castiel bristles. "I'm not a child, I don't need consoled for being turned down."

"You were turned down?" Gabriel says from over Castiel's shoulder. Castiel pushes his face into Gabriel's neck.

"I may have overreacted when he said asexuality is a mental illness." He says, muffled.

"You want me to kick his ass?" Gabriel pulls back and ruffles Castiel's hair causing Castiel to bat his hands away.

"No. He's getting a special chapter in my book, along with everyone else who has told me the same."

"Castiel." Gabriel gives him a sympathetic look. "Babe, you are amazing and if they don't understand that then they don't deserve you. I know I give you a hard time sometimes and I hope you don't take it personally but you know I don't feel that way right?"

"Of course. You're my brother."

"And I love you very, very, very, very much!" Gabriel ruffles his hair again before bouncing back to the stove. "Now help me out before Dean comes down."

Castiel sighs and Gabriel turns back to him. "You are okay though, right?"

"I'll be fine, brother."

"If you need me just say the words. I try but I don't always know what you want."

"I don't either."

\--------------

Dean spends a lot of time assuring Sam they can wait a little longer before seeing each other. Sam tries explaining a computer program that will allow them to talk to each other over the camera but Dean doesn't understand most of what he says so he suggests Sam talk to Castiel after they finish so they can set it up on Castiel's laptop. 

He agrees to talk with Sam every night when they're both off work and when Sam asks about how he's coping, Dean is honest with him. He feels like he's found a family and he hopes Sam can be a bigger part of it. He refuses to ask forgiveness, feeling like he still hasn't earned it and Sam says there is nothing to forgive. Dean doesn't believe him. Doesn't know how Sam could see him as anything more than the failure he was before this stroke of good fortune.  
They say their goodbyes, Sam sounding as youthful and cheery as Dean remembers him being. 

 

By the time Dean comes down for dinner, Gabriel and Castiel have eaten and put away most of the food. There's two wrapped plates of food and a batch of cookies on the table. He looks through the house for the brothers but they're nowhere to be found. He calls out to them until he sees Gabriel in the backyard, hands moving animatedly. 

He grabs a plate and a fork and heads to the two men. "Hey guys." They both turn and give small smiles. Dean enjoys seeing the little movements that point out that Castiel and Gabriel grew up together. They're of the same person but they choose to show it in very different ways. Gabriel is open and loud and doesn't care who sees, whereas Castiel feels like a person who would want to know him should earn his real personality. 

He's become open with Dean over time or Dean has gotten better at noticing when he is excited; Dean can't tell which. He's glad for being able to know them. 

"Thanks for the dinner." Dean sits on the porch swing and pats the empty area beside him. "Sit."

They move forward in unison and it makes Dean laugh. "You're not around each other more than a day and you're moving together like soldiers."

"Old habits, Deany baby." Gabriel smirks. Dean coughs. 

"Please don't ever call me that again." He says in disgust. Castiel laughs. A robust, body shaking laugh that makes Gabriel and Dean pause in astonishment before laughing along with him. 

They keep up with light conversation trying to keep the day from ending on a stressful note. All three of them thinking at different times and of different things, "We'll talk about it tomorrow."

\------

Gabriel heads home after Castiel and Dean fall asleep. He cleans up around the living room and turns off the movie they were watching. He briefly considers staying another night and decides against it. The shop was closed for two days unannounced. He could have had the floor waxed or the upholstery redone in those two days.

Although, it was worth spending the time with his family. He starts making open plans for the road trip they'll be taking to see Sam in January. The thrill at the thought keeps him up long after he's climbed into bed.  
-  
Castiel wakes up with Dean's hand curled over his face. He feels sweat gathered where Dean's skin makes contact with Castiel's. He tries stretching out without disturbing Dean too much so he can get off the couch and get cleaned up. 

By the time he comes back down, Dean is sitting up and rubbing his eyes. He spots Castiel and greets him with his voice rough from the night. "Sleep good?"

"Yes. Well." Castiel says humorously.

"Well? Well what?" Dean's smiling.

"Your hand was in my face when I woke up."

"Sorry." Dean stands and stretches. "You want some breakfast before we head over to the shop?" He gets close to Castiel and runs his fingers through Cas' hair to smooth it down. It doesn't work but it makes them both feel calm and Castiel is enjoying the light contact. He leans into Dean's hand and encourages him to do it again.

"I'm fine, but if you're hungry we can make something." 

"No, no. I'm going to make us coffee cake today. Been craving it since I had your tea." Dean strokes the side of Castiel's face. "It was good, not as good as what I usually make." 

Castiel hums in agreement. "Would you like some help?"

"I'll take your company." Dean smiles and continues the path of his hand down Castiel's arm. "You got any recipes thought up for Thanksgiving?"

Castiel frowns. "I wanted to make the stuffing. I was hoping to meet your brother."

Dean nods and turns to head up the stairs. "Yeah." Castiel knows Dean is avoiding the potential questions about his family and lets him go but not before calling after him. 

"Dean, I'm here if you need to talk." 

Castiel stands there hopeful but not surprised when Dean throws back a sarcastic, "Ten four, Cas."

-  
There's a line out the door when they reach the shop. Dean curses and looks at Castiel with a regretful look. "Guess that coffee cake is going to have to wait, huh?"

Castiel touches his cheek, making Dean's eyes close. "I can make it." Dean's lips twitch as if to smile.

"You like me." He teases. Castiel thinks Dean will continue to do this for the rest of their lives if Castiel doesn't stop him.

"Yes, Dean. I do." Cas brushes his thumb over Dean's bottom lip before grabbing his bag and getting out of the car. "And you're late for work."


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel's appended version of a backstory. warnings for castiel recalling the time spent in the hospital following a mental breakdown. This is a very short chapter. I'm not going to apologise because the longest part of the day is rolling out and baking a hundred pastries only for them to sell out as soon as you think you're finished. Your mind goes to the weirdest places when you're stuck in a kitchen all day.

Dean washes his hands and grabs an apron as soon as he gets in. Castiel waves a hello to Gabriel before heading to the back to find another apron. He looks through Dean's laminated recipe pages to see what he would be able to make in a short amount of time. He sees on the whiteboard the different doughs Gabriel made before opening. The cinnamon roll and the danish doughs are ready to be rolled out and prepared so Castiel washes and fetches fillings, setting them out and looking for extra utensils just in case. 

He's not very quick rolling and filling but he feels good helping his brother. It's been a long time since Castiel was an active participant in his brother's life. He tries not to think about the events that led them to a phonecall only relationship but the thoughts push their way forward until he feels stuck in motion. His body is rolling out and filling dough to place on a tray as his mind replays his experiences in the last year on a loop. He wishes just for one day to be able to not think. To be free of the constant unnecessary worries that plague him. 

Castiel misses spur of the moment visits from Gabriel. Misses taking sick days from work so he could take Gabriel and show him the places he loved to visit when he traveled. They would make it a competition to each find a more awe inspiring landscape than the other. Castiel would fly states away just to eat at a diner Gabriel encountered on road trips of his own; Gabriel sending pictures of himself climbing the monuments Castiel enjoyed visiting. Castiel's favourite locations were the yoga retreats in Belize. Gabriel could never find anything that surpassed the Mayan ruins Castiel visited.

The incessant worrying was easier to muffle and ignore when Castiel worked or when Gabriel was with him, always demanding Castiel's full attention. Castiel should have noticed his health declining, as well as his relationship with his brother. He stopped planning trips with and without his brother, claiming extra projects had been transferred to him.  
His usual sleeplessness and lack of appetite became pronounced. His ability to work on projects slowed so he worked harder, staying up later and skipping meals to try to keep up with deadlines. Gabriel was states away, trying his hardest to make his bakery work. Castiel refused to call on him, to pull him from his lifelong dreams. Castiel's ideas for his book fell by the wayside. 

Castiel doesn't remember most of the day he collapsed. The doctors said he was dehydrated and malnourished. The only reason they found him was a neighbour hearing the crash from his falling unconscious. Gabriel showed up the day after hearing about Castiel.

He wishes he could go back and stay quiet as the doctor explained their plan of treatment. Wishes he would have blamed work and stress like the doctors were assuming to be his problem. He couldn't stay quiet anymore. Needed someone to know he was suffering. Castiel wants to forget the broken look on Gabriel's face when he started going into detail. Gabriel explained later that he was saddened that he couldn't be there when Castiel needed him. Swore to Castiel he would be available for him at a moments notice. Castiel asked Gabriel to succeed with his business. Promised he would be Gabriel's first employee. 

Castiel spent months speaking to therapists and being given different cocktails of drugs to help him stay calm but still have an appetite and sleep well but stay alert through the day. The most difficult times were the medications that caused vivid nightmares. They helped him most throughout the day but he became afraid to sleep, pushing back his progress. 

Eventually he settled for better sleep over appetite and worry. He maintained the illusion that he was taking all the medications prescribed, settling on only taking the one to help him sleep. He gained weight with the clockwork meals being delivered to his room. His mind quieted now that he had no deadlines looming over him.   
Castiel had no plans for the first time in his life. It was freeing.

Less than a month later, Gabriel called to let Castiel know he hired his first employee. A week after that, to let Castiel know Dean was "it" for him. Two weeks after that Gabriel insisted Dean was perfect for Castiel.

Looking back on the turns life has taken, Castiel wouldn't have guessed he would end up in love with the same man his brother fell for.

Love.

A year ago he would have some choice words to say for the term. To have two people he considers family accept him and encourage him to be open to every possibility feels freeing. He'll be damned if "love" is too strong a word for what he is experiencing.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> castiel has a bit of a shock; surprisingly, nothing falls apart.

It's almost four in the afternoon by the time Dean and Gabriel tend to the last of the customers that crowded the shop. Gabriel is replacing syrup pumps and gathering empty sheet trays for the back. Dean starts counting the drawer down. Castiel's help keeping the cases stocked with fresh goods brought their sales up a considerable amount. Dean bags the cash and takes it along with the empty trays to the back. Castiel is standing at the dishwasher staring at the the steel cover. Dean greets him and places the trays on the shelf before taking the money to the back. Castiel doesn't look up. Dean grabs an intake sheet, tapes it to the bag and throws it in the safe before heading back to Cas. Paperwork can wait.

Dean walks to Cas slowly, calling his name. Castiel still isn't responding so Dean reaches out to touch his elbow. "Cas?"

The touch makes Castiel flinch and blink, looking around until wide eyes fall on Dean. "Sorry, I'm sorry. I was-" He trails off. "I don't know where I was." Castiel looks confused, keeping his eyes on the ground. Dean's chest feels tight, he doesn't know what to do for Cas when things like this happen. Gabriel keeps telling him to keep Cas grounded and move on after, but it's been happening on more frequent intervals. 

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Dean knows he's going to say no so he starts thinking of things that he could do to help him change his train of thought. 

"No, thank you, Dean." Castiel lifts the lid on the dishwasher and moves the tray full of pans over to make room for the next load. "I wasn't able to make the coffee cake, but I saved you an apple danish." He avoids making eye contact with Dean and Dean isn't going to take that. He grabs Castiel's hand away from the dish tray and tilts his head down to get Castiel to look at him. Castiel looks conflicted. Dean's come to learn that look means he wants to open up and tell Dean something but is afraid Dean's going to take it the wrong way. He hates himself for how many mistakes it took before figuring that out.

"Cas, let's finish up here. I'm gonna get you home, we're gonna get cleaned up and have a real meal. We are going to talk about this, though." He starts pulling at Cas' hand, trying to lead him away. Cas puts up some resistance but still follows.

"Dean, I'll be fine. I'm just tired." Dean's getting good at telling when Cas is saying something for everyone else's benefit but he goes with it. 

"Well then we'll get you some food and I'll run you a nice hot bubble bath and you can talk to me and tell me about that book of yours." Castiel stops mid-step causing Dean to jerk back before he opens the doors to the counter area. 

"I-" Castiel's trying to think of a quick excuse but nothing comes to mind. "I think I would enjoy that." He tries to smile but it comes out looking strained. "Thank you, Dean."

Dean looks him over, assessing the damage he's about to do before leaning in and kissing Castiel's cheek. "If you want to stay with Gabriel tonight, that's okay too."

Castiel pulls away and squints at him. "Why would you say that?" Dean rubs at his neck.

"I just want you to be comfortable. There's obviously something bothering you. If you don't want to talk to me about it, you should have someone you feel comfortable with when you're ready to spill." Castiel rolls his eyes and pulls Dean's hands to him. 

"You worry too much. I've done a lot today. Baking is taxing." Dean still won't stop looking at him. "I told you some of what happened," He pauses, Dean doesn't say anything, just squeezes Cas' hand tighter. "with the hospital and the travelling...I just-I thought about it a lot today while I was baking. It's been bothering me lately. The things I missed out on, the things I've kept myself from doing because I was afraid to burden Gabriel. I just made things worse...I broke myself trying to make sure everyone else wouldn't have to worry about me." He gives a mocking smile. "It just feels like I'm doing it all over again and I don't know how to stop it."

Dean doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know how to tell Castiel to stop thinking that way. He knows it's not Castiel's fault. He pulls Castiel in for a hug and kisses his temple. "I'm so sorry, Cas."

Castiel breaks down.

It takes a few minutes for Castiel to bring himself to stop. Dean sways with him, allowing Castiel to bury his face in Dean's neck. Dean whispers words of assurance every few moments. "It's okay," another kiss to Castiel's temple. "I've got you." Fingers smoothing through Castiel's hair. "We won't let you go." A hand stroking down his back.

When Castiel is ready to leave, he pulls away and nods at Dean. "I think I'd like that bath."

Dean looks unsure about the situation but returns the gesture. "Gabriel," he raises his voice and opens the doors, "We're heading out."

Gabriel is counting the different desserts in the display case when he looks up at the men and raises his eyebrows. "Everything okay?"

Castiel doesn't see Dean shake his head no at the same time he answers, "Everything is fine, Gabriel. We'll see you tomorrow."

Gabriel takes a deep breath and smiles, "Okay, well good night, guys. You did great today, Cassie. Thanks for your help."

Castiel waves and says, "I rather enjoyed myself, thank you for allowing me back there."

Dean places a hand on Castiel's back as they walk away and nervously laughs. "We make a great team."  
-

The drive to Dean's is quiet. Castiel stares at his hands most of the way and Dean is trying to figure out what to say and do to put him at ease while worrying about how much to tell Gabriel about what happened.

When they get home, Dean heads to the kitchen to put the kettle on and Castiel heads upstairs to put his things away. He's removing his socks and shoes when Dean returns to him. "I'm going to get your bath started. You want peppermint or that orange stuff Sam recommended?"

"Peppermint, please. I haven't eaten yet today." Castiel's removing his clothes and Dean's studying the new curtains they put up. "I'm sure you're starving."

"Yeah," Dean laughs. "I am. I'll order a pizza though. I wanna spend some time with you." 

Castiel gets a fond look in his eyes. "I can never thank you enough for being here for me, Dean." 

Dean blushes and smiles. "Don't thank me, man. You put up with me. I'm lucky to have you here even after the shit I pulled." He brushes a hand across Castiel's cheek. "We can thank each other and put ourselves down about our personal problems or I can get you your tea and have you try out our new bathtub." Castiel laughs and pulls Dean's hand to him, kissing the palm. 

"What kind of bubbles do you have?" Castiel knows. He helped pick them out. Dean plays along anyways.

"Well, I'm glad you asked. I have a scent for even the most discerning connoisseur. I have lavender chamomile, cedar and sandalwood, and tangerine." Dean switches to a haughty sounding voice, "What would the good sir like this evening?" 

Castiel smiles and says in his most gentle tone, "I think I would like to try the lavender tonight. I'm in need of something to relax me."

Dean feels like his heart is going to burst out of his chest right then and there. He feels ridiculous and free. "Yes, sir. Right away, sir!" He bows and heads into the bathroom. Castiel finishes undressing. He puts on a robe and ties it before following Dean in. Dean's bent over, pouring in the soap and testing the temperature of the water. "It's warmer than usual but I know you're going to be in for awhile. What do you want on your pizza?"

"I'll get whatever you get. I'm not feeling very hungry." He fiddles with the ties on his robe, thinking about taking it off before Dean turns around. Wondering what Dean's reaction would be. He's feeling daring. It doesn't upset him like he thought it might.

Castiel spares Dean and waits to remove his robe when Dean heads down to get the tea and order the pizza.  
He tests the waters before stepping in and sliding down under, wetting his hair and resting his head against the shelf. The tub is wide and deep. Dean must have spent at least a month's wages on it. He feels guilty for ever suggesting Dean replace the old tub. There was nothing wrong with it other than it being too small for either man to use it. It was still functional, though. He tries to push away the worry and guilt by focusing on the warmth of the water and the fizz of the bubbles popping next to his ears. 

Dean comes in with a tray with two cups, and a teapot. He puts it on the sink and turns to Castiel. "How's the tub? Big enough?" Dean is keeping his eyes focused on Castiel's face.  
It's almost funny how hard he tries not to look down past Cas' shoulders. 

"It is, thank you. I'd ask you to join me, but I think I would try something I'm not quite ready for." 

"Feeling adventurous tonight, Cas?" Dean grins and winks as he hands Castiel a cup, but his ears are pink and there's a blush creeping up his neck. 

"I am, actually." Castiel takes a sip of tea. "This is wonderful, by the way. You're the only one who can make peppermint tea taste like more than dried herbs. I love tea, but you make art."

Dean's blush has spread over his face. His freckles stand out darkly against reddened cheeks. His smile is shy. "Aw shucks, Cas." He jokes, but Castiel knows it's struck something deep. 

"If, if you'd like to join me, I wouldn't be-" Castiel tries to think of a neutral way to say 'I want you, but with limitations' "-what I mean is-"

"Cas, it's fine." Dean ruffles Castiel's hair when he frowns. "Really. Enjoy your soak. Let me get a chair and I'll sit next to you. You want me to wash your hair? Pizza guy should be here soon."

Dean doesn't wait for Castiel to answer. He leaves the room to look for a folding chair. Castiel slides back down into the water, letting the warmth slide over his heavy eyes and buffer out the echos of the old house. He takes slow deep breaths and lets the water buoy him. The groan of the front door closing and thumping rhythm of Dean stomping up the stairs pulls Castiel out of the water. Most of the bubbles are gone so he grabs a washcloth to cover himself for Dean's sake. 

"Dinner's ready. I brought up a slice of pineapple mushroom. I remember you said you were craving it the other day." Dean looks at Cas sheepishly and sets his chair next to the tub. He hands over the plate and a paper towel. Castiel keeps himself from moving too much for fear of making Dean uncomfortable. 

"Dean, you didn't have to, thank you." He sits up and takes a bite. Dean looks lit up from the inside. His smile is wide, making the creases in the corners of his face pronounced. Castiel feels himself letting go of his worries, pushing them back into their respective boxes. 

Dean leans on the side of the tub and with food in his mouth says, "I got plain cheese too if you want it."

Castiel grins and nods. "Cinnamon bread, too?" Dean pats his shoulder. 

"Of course, man. Can't have a pizza party without cinnamon bread." 

They eat and chat. Castiel doesn't feel shy or vulnerable like he thought he might. He eats more than he probably should have but he feels wonderful. Invigorated. When Dean starts washing his hair he can't help the groans of pleasure that escape as Dean's fingers rub down over his scalp. 

When he glances up, Dean's face is cherry red and he's wearing a mask of intense concentration. It gives Castiel a thrill to see Dean trying so hard not to react. It makes him curious to see what Dean would do if he were to abandon caution. "This is delightful, Dean."

When Dean replies, his voice is gruff and rasping. "I'm glad you like it." Dean clears his throat. Cas watches the muscles in his neck undulate and twitch. "We should do this more often." Dean winks and barks out a laugh to hide the sincerity. 

Castiel just closes his eyes again and slides under the water to rinse the shampoo away. When he surfaces, Dean is intensely focused on him. Castiel gets another heady rush thinking about what would happen if he were to allow Dean to do whatever he wants. So many consequences. All of them at this moment are worth it.

"Will you kiss me, Dean?" Cas has his head leaning back against the tub looking up at Dean. Dean looks nervous but hides it with a leer. 

"Okay," Dean's voice shakes. It makes Castiel feel warm to know how Dean wants him so. It's just a small touch, lip to lip. Dean opens his mouth enough to touch his tongue to Castiel's bottom lip. Dean's stubbly chin tickles the tip of Castiel's nose making Cas flinch. Dean pulls back abruptly. 

"Shit was that too much? I'm sorry." His hands are up in defense, his face full of worry. "I'm sorry."

It makes Castiel laugh. It's ridiculous and he should feel embarrassed that Dean is so scared of damaging him further but he doesn't care. It should scare him that he doesn't care. The carefree feeling loops around with those thoughts until Castiel starts to feel the panic edging in. 

"You're fine. I'm ready for bed, if you don't mind." Castiel keeps calm. Keeps himself from showing the shitstorm of emotions that are finally pushing in on him. Dean takes their plates downstairs and leaves Cas to dry off and prepare for bed. Castiel takes his medication and hopes to fall asleep before Dean returns. 

By the time Dean comes back upstairs Castiel is on his side of the bed waiting for Dean. 

Dean takes his jeans and shirt off and climbs in bed. Castiel slides closer to him, allowing Dean to wrap his arm around Castiel's shoulders.  
His chest is full of wet cotton and his head full of worry. He kisses Dean's shoulder and whispers a goodnight. Dean grabs his hand and squeezes. 

"We're going to have to talk about this eventually." Dean says. 

"I could say the same for you." Cas returns. "Your brother still needs you, Dean."

Dean sighs and grumbles out, "Fair enough."

Castiel turns on his other side. His hands are starting to shake. Dean flips and pulls Castiel close to him. "Is this okay?" He asks. 

"Yes, thank you." Castiel listens to Dean's breathing and waits for it to slow. By the time Dean is asleep, Cas' medication starts taking effect. He thinks about sleeping in the spare room, but he's warm and Dean's hand is caught in the shoulder of Cas' shirt. He falls asleep and thankfully doesn't dream.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thanksgiving, yoga, and slight progress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out kind of wonky. The pacing is messing me up because I wrote it at different points in the fic and had two different plots going. I took out a lot of it but it still doesn't seem right to me. 
> 
> I very reluctantly talk shit on John Winchester. 
> 
> There's some nsfw ish kind of things that happen as Castiel gets more comfortable with Dean. I am sorry if this seems weird and ooc. It's an AU, I wouldn't have high expectations to begin but some writers pull it off no problem.
> 
> Just because things seem to be getting better doesn't mean the problems go away.

Dean waits until Castiel falls asleep before sliding out of bed and trying to stay quiet as he walks down the hall into Cas' office. He sends a text to Gabriel while waiting for Cas' laptop to boot. He explains what happened in as few words as he can, hoping to keep some things private. Gabriel doesn't need to know about the bath like, at all. He waits for twenty minutes but Gabriel doesn't respond.

Dean's worried about Castiel's behaviour. He seemed open and energetic but when Dean looked into his eyes it was almost as if the Castiel he knew wasn't there. Castiel reminded Dean of his dad.  
After a few minutes trying to find the right program, Dean sends a video call to Sam. Even though it's almost two in the morning, Sam answers right away. His hair is a mess and the room is dark. 

"Hey-" Sam sits up. "Hey Dean. Give me a minute," he says, still half asleep. Dean watches him pull the covers over his sleeping girlfriend before getting out of bed and walking out of the room. He closes the door behind him and Dean watches him go down a hall into what looks like the living room. "You said you'd call every day. Everything okay?" Sam looks concerned and it's hurting Dean having to see it from a tiny screen. It shouldn't be this way.

"Yeah, uh, well. I feel like shit because I'm supposed to be working with everyone on getting my shit together. S'posed to be fixing things with you." He looks away before he gets too emotional. Sam waits for him to continue so he clears his throat. "Look, we'll have plenty to talk about, I'm sorry for calling late but I don't know what to do about Cas. Figured you took all those psychology classes so I wanted to ask you some things." Sam sits back and runs his fingers through his hair, sighing. Dean's already regretting asking him. 

"Shoot." Sam says.

Dean sits up and takes a deep breath. He's trying to figure out how to put what he wants to say. How to help Sam understand. "Do you remember when dad used to zone out, like before he'd head out to the bars, or you know..." Dean doesn't want to say it. It feels too heavy when he does. "...when I'd fight with him."

Sam's shaking his head and sitting up, the phone is shaky and blurry as the camera tries to focus on him. "Dean he used to beat you. For like, no reason other than anger. That wasn't a fight. You were a kid." Even with the undercurrent of anger, Sam's voice is gentle and soothing to Dean. "Dean, whatever you think, none of what happened was your fault."

Dean feels the frustration in him pulling at his every nerve. His skin feels tight, his eyes start watering. "Look that's not why I called so just stop with your forgive and forget bullshit okay? I'm worried about Cas. He's been zoning out like that. Tonight," Dean has to stop so he can focus on the problem. Now he's worried and sad and his mind is racing over old memories. "He just wasn't Cas."

Sam sits back and opens his hands along his knees. "Okay, well you're going to have to be more specific. I don't know him that well, Dean."

"You guys talk more than me and you do..."

"Dean," Sam warns. "If you'd actually call, we'd be able to catch up like you keep saying we should." Dean rolls his eyes and blows out a long sigh. 

"I know." He puts both hands up in defeat. "There's a lotta things I gotta do I haven't."

"So what was different about him?"

"It's kind of hard to explain..."Dean rubs the back of his neck trying to remember everything but the way Cas looked up at him while Dean washed his hair. "He seemed like he was happy and okay with everything but then there were times it's like he wasn't there. Like earlier today he was completely zoned out. Like he didn't know where he was." Dean's nervously running his fingers through his hair and his arms keep gesturing out. His knee is bouncing and his fingers twitching. "Sam I tried to help dad. You know that right? I tried to get him to quit drinking."

"Dean, you did everything you could. You and I both know it was never going to be enough. That's why I tried to get you out. That's why I had to leave." Sam looks like he's pleading for Dean to understand. Dean feels numb. "I didn't want to leave you alone with him, but I couldn't stay there."  
Dean doesn't want to talk about it. Like, at all. He's getting pissed. "Sam can you help me with Cas or not?" He says with a clipped tone. Sam jerks his head and squints at Dean. 

"Dean you're never going to get anywhere by avoiding things that make you uncomfortable." He tries to be gentle but there's a tinge of annoyance bleeding through. "But yeah, I can help."

Sam listens to Dean's descriptions of Cas. His stories about when they go out shopping or when Dean takes care of Castiel when he's at the shop working on his book. Dean's eyes are soft and his voice shaky and he looks so kind and vulnerable when he goes into detail about how Castiel responds to certain actions or phrases. Sam feels a sort of relief knowing Dean stopped hiding himself from the world and that he has support. 

Sam asks if Cas is still seeing a therapist or doing anything for himself that doesn't involve Gabriel and Dean. Dean's face falls in shame. He doesn't know. Sam talks about dissociation and gives Dean a list of books he can read about it. They talk for awhile until Jess calls for Sam and he says his goodbyes. Dean searches the web for awhile, looking up the word and checking as many articles as he can. It seems right but also doesn't. 

-

Castiel turns over in bed seeking Dean's warmth. When he reaches over and touches empty space, the panic that was simmering deep down before he fell asleep rushes over him. He pulls on his bath robe and heads to the light he sees on down the hall. He can hear the worry in Sam's tone coming out of his tiny laptop speakers. Dean sounds annoyed. Cas doesn't want to be alone right now so rather than interrupt, he decides to call Gabriel. He tiptoes his way downstairs and to the backyard. The nights are getting colder but it feels refreshing to Cas.

It only rings twice before Gabriel answers, voice rough from sleep. "Everything okay? I can come over."

"We're fine. I just needed to talk. Dean and Sam are speaking online right now and I didn't want to interrupt."

"So how are things? You seemed upset earlier." Gabriel asks. He tries to keep the suspicious tone out of his voice but Castiel catches it. Dean must have said something.

"I was thinking about when we used to actually do things together." He says it with a smile but the shame still prickles. "I-I just felt like I could be a different person if I had actually spoken with you instead of trying to deal with my problems on my own. I was overwhelmed but felt I had to be in control of everything and now I can't control anything." Castiel says, his voice just above a murmur.

Gabriel doesn't say anything right away. Castiel listens to him breathing and begins to think his brother fell asleep again before Gabriel sighs. "Castiel what you've been going through, what you've been trying to push deep down is never going to go away. I think at this point the best thing to do is face it and see what it takes to deal with it. Dean and I can only try to help you get through it but it's difficult for us when you avoid the problem until it gets to be too much. There's nothing to feel guilty about. I can't even say Dean and I are good at speaking out when we need help, but please don't wait until it's too late."

Gabriel and Castiel speak awhile longer, making a tenative plan for Thanksgiving and the eventual visit to Sam and Jess' for New Years. When Castiel heads inside, Dean's in the kitchen making food. 

"Hey, you want some?" He lifts a tomato to show Castiel. "BLTs!" 

Castiel smiles and goes to the cabinet to make himself tea. "Would you like some help?"

"Could use the company." Dean slides his hand across Cas' shoulder and turns him so they're face to face. "You okay?"

Cas nods. "I will be, thank you."  
-  
The few weeks before Thanksgiving is slow to pass. Few people stop through, most leaving home for the holiday weekend. Gabriel plans the dinner menu and sends Dean shopping. They pick out new floormat designs and move all the furniture for the upcoming floor waxing. Gabriel leaves for a few days to see his seasonal fling, Kali since she's only in the United States every few months. 

Dean meets up with his sobriety group and makes sure he calls Sam every night until Sam and Jess leave to head to see her family. He catches himself smiling more. It's a pleasant development that's been a long time coming. He checks a few self-help books out from the library. Most of the ones on Sam's list were already checked out likely by people struggling due to the stress of the holidays. It takes Dean a few days to read through them, he picks the ones out he thinks Cas would like best and takes the rest back. Castiel takes his time with the books. Dean catches him taking notes from the book rather than working on his own when Dean gets a long enough break to bring him food at work.   
\--------------

Castiel decides he wants to volunteer at a nearby church to help with sanitation and food preparation for the increase in visitors during the holiday. He has trouble connecting with people at first but one of the more outgoing members of the volunteer group takes him under her wing, introducing him to her friends and helping him carry conversation. She's positive and helpful to Castiel. When he explains the book he's writing about his experiences, she speaks in great length about how many people she knows that would "eat it up." She talks about her friends, using too many slang words for Castiel to catch on. Her enthusiasm for the subject urges him to try and find a new publisher. He calls as many as he can find online and leaves messages, hoping someone will find interest in his work. He's not quite halfway with the book but he figures it will leave room for the relationship he has with Dean. Dean's never held back from touching Cas so long as it's been chaste. Dean still refuses to allow Castiel to touch him in the ways Dean desires, regardless of Castiel's urging. Dean says it's for both of them, though he excuses himself to the spare room almost every time. Castiel believes it's ridiculous that he would do that. He enjoys the intimacy he has with Dean and is eager to see what Dean is like when he's allowed to enjoy the things Castiel can do for him regardless of Castiel's condition. It still feels satisfying to see Dean's attention so focused on Castiel.

When they're finished on the last day, she invites him to join her for a yoga class she attends at the local gym. He agrees, hoping to renew his interest in something he loved to do.  
They exchange phone numbers before departing, her friends are making wooing sounds and wolf whistles and she's blushing cherry red with embarrassment and apologising. Castiel just smiles. He feels good. Not exactly calm or collected, but he's completely experiencing the moment rather than trying to suffer through it. Not every moment has to be happy and positive to be productive. He's starting to think he understands.   
-  
Thanksgiving is much like the dinner's Castiel, Gabriel and Dean have together most nights of the week. Dean and Gabriel make rowdy conversation while they chop, slice, and mix various side dishes and desserts while Castiel reads out recipes and washes dishes as they work. 

They eat in the living room and watch sci-fi movies. When the leftovers are put away, they lay out blankets and pillows on the living room floor before grabbing their various desserts. Gabriel makes suggestive comments that cause Dean to blush and Castiel to stutter. He watches how Castiel and Dean move around each other, like two dancers destined to never touch. Gabriel cleans the kitchen while they ready for bed and they settle in for the night. Castiel brings his laptop downstairs so they can all see how Sam and Jess' night went.

Jess is the one to answer the call. She's laughing and greeting them with a high pitched, "Hi, guys! What's up!"

Her excitement is contagious. Castiel perks up and it makes Dean laugh too. Dean leans forward and answers,"Just finished dinner. How are you, Jess? Good to see you."

"I'm good. We're good. My grandad is doing better. It was touch and go for awhile but the doctors say he's gonna be okay for now. Sam's in the bathroom. How was dinner?"

Castiel speaks before Dean can answer. "It was wonderful. Dean is a skilled cook. Though your presence was sorely missed."

Jess smiles. Sam comes in and sits next to her while she replies. "Oh you are sweet, Castiel. I felt bad that we couldn't come down but Sam and I really want to see you guys for New Years." He's nodding in agreement. 

"Hey guys." Sam waves and like a mirror to Dean, leans forward and puts his hands on his knees. "What did I miss?"

"We just got on, Sam." Jess says. "Cas says they missed us."

Castiel takes the moment to interrupt before he loses the nerve to keep up the conversation, "We are planning to visit you for New Year if your schedule permits. I know we've mentioned it before, but Gabriel and I have almost everything planned as long as you, Jess, and Dean are in agreement."

Sam's eyes go wide. "Really? That'd be-that's great! We'd be happy to have you guys over."

Castiel feels the old thrill return, the thrum of expectation that runs deeper and hotter than the icy shot of worry. "Gabriel and I were hoping to take you guys to a peace retreat in South America as a group gift."

Gabriel shakes his head, "Cas has been doing most of the work, he basically lived at this place. There's Mayan ruins you can visit too, it's pretty cool."

It's Jess' turn to lean forward, almost pushing Sam out of the view of the camera with her enthused jostling. "No way! That would be so wonderful. Oh, the view and the weather and good company." She looks away in nostalgia and sighs. "I haven't had a vacation in forever."

They discuss the details and make plans to catch up again soon. Gabriel heads to the kitchen for more dessert. Dean and Sam trade banter a while longer and Cas heads upstairs to get cleaned up for the night.

When Cas comes down, Dean and Gabriel are laying on the mountain of blankets they brought down, talking and eating their desserts while the t.v. plays an old horror movie. They each have a soft fond look on their face like they're savoring something precious. Castiel feels like he's interrupting a rare opportunity for them to bond when he comes in. 

Dean grins, "Heya, Cas. We were just talking about you."

Castiel raises an eyebrow in disbelief and looks over the two of them and then looks at the pie plates gathered around them. "I don't know how either of you can eat again. I feel like a blimp." He says. 

"Always have room for dessert, Cas." Dean says. 

"It's like the first rule of being, human." Gabriel replies. Castiel's starting to understand that they play off each other to avoid serious conversation, using the general mood to gauge when to reply with a joke. Rather than ignoring it, he decides to go along with it. 

"I don't remember that lesson." He deadpans. "I'll try to remember next time."

Dean doubles over laughing as if Castiel were the funniest person in the world. Castiel didn't think it was that good. Gabriel obviously doesn't think so either but he's smiling anyway.

"Look at you, joining in." Gabriel says, pulling Castiel down to sit next to them. He hands Castiel a fork and a pie tin with half a pie in it. "Have some pie with us lowly humans."  
Castiel rolls his eyes and takes the fork.  
\-----

Castiel meets with his friends from the church regularly. Dean's happy that Cas is starting to open up to other people and putting in the effort to maintain relationships. Dean's AA group puts a lot of emphasis on the importance of healthy relationships. He drops Cas off at the gym for yoga on his way home twice a week and Cas gets a ride back with his friends after they stop by the shop for coffee and for some of the girls to shamelessly flirt with Gabriel.

It's a good routine until it's not.  
-  
Castiel enjoys going out with Lindsey even if she reminds him of Dean sometimes. She blushes a lot during yoga and stammers after the class when they're discussing how it went. One of the girls keeps making strange faces at Lindsey when she speaks with Castiel. It looks like when Gabriel is trying to rush Castiel through something. Her eyebrows are lifted high and her head tilted downward. Her hands keep twitching out at Lindsey. Lindsey just shakes her head and mouths, "Not yet."

Castiel mentions Dean sometimes. Lindsey thinks it's cute that Dean is such a helpful friend. Castiel tries to correct her. She just laughs it off. Castiel ignores it most of the time, but it leaves him uneasy. He knows he should stop encouraging her, but he doesn't want to quit the classes. He supposes he could do it at home if he had to. Perhaps he could teach Dean and they could do it together.

Eventually, Lindsey takes the step to ask Castiel if he'd like to head to her place after coffee. "I know you got the moves," she says sweetly.

"I'm sorry but I have to get back to Dean." Castiel says. "I don't think he would appreciate that."

"Oh sweetie, he's got a girl. Dana's cousin, Lisa, said she spoke with him a few weeks ago and he said it was pretty serious. It's okay if you don't want to date me, but don't try to gay your way out of it. That's just rude. Not just to me, but to Dean too. I'm sure he doesn't want people to go around thinking that about him. If you still can't get it up, I'm sure we'd find a way around that." She winks at him. Castiel feels ice and soil and slime. Regret seeps in deep. This is what he gets for reaching out to make friends. For ignoring the warning signs that he should have distanced himself sooner.

"I'm not gay." Castiel says. 

Lindsey laughs again. "Well, duh. Although if that's all you heard, maybe you should consider it." She shakes her head and heads to the girls' locker room.

"I'm not anything." Castiel thinks. "It's not a choice."   
-  
When Castiel tells Dean he's not going to yoga day anymore, Dean thinks it's for the best. "We haven't had nights to ourselves in forever. I'm down for it." He says. "Maybe you can teach me and we can do it together." Cas is happy that Dean brings it up and hopes that Dean will enjoy it.

Castiel doesn't tell him what Lindsey said until they're home and Dean's going on about the casserole recipe he got from one of their regular customers. Castiel interrupts him in the middle of his explanation of which tomatoes are best for baking. The words come out jumbled and too quick but Dean catches every twitch of Castiel's nervous fingers and flinch from the thoughts of that girl touching him.

"The fuck do they know?!" Dean says angrily. Cas just puts his head down on the kitchen table. His heart is beating too fast. "This is bullshit, you don't treat friends that way. What the fuck do they know anything about us? Oh, because they come to the shop to throw shitty pick up lines at Gabe? No, fuck that. They're banned!" The cool wood feels soothing against his cheek. Dean's gesturing wildly as he rants about how superficial people can be. Cas lets the timbre of Dean's voice pull him elsewhere. When Dean is quiet, Castiel sits up. He's not in the kitchen. He hears the garage door open and shut. Castiel jumps up, thinking Dean is going to do something stupid.

"Dean, what are you doing?" Cas is calling out. He grabs his coat and runs into the garage. "What are you doing?"

Dean gestures to the passenger side. "Get in. We're going to tell Gabriel what happened, and then we're going to dinner." 

"Dean, I don't think that would be a good idea." Dean still looks upset. Castiel's not sure what that means for them if they're out in public like that.

"Cas, the only thing she should have made you realise is that we don't do enough together. I mean, living with you so far has been a blessing. You put up with me, you let me hold you close even when it makes you all sweaty, and you talk to my brother and keep an eye on me for him when I can't even take you out to dinner and show you a good time. What kind of boyfriend does that make me?"

"You love me." Castiel shrugs. "You wouldn't hurt me and you're quick to defend me. It doesn't matter what kind of boyfriend you are. You're my boyfriend."

Dean gives a tender smile. "Damn right."

"I'd rather not go out in the cold." Cas says. "It's been awhile since we've had a bubble bath." Castiel tries to tilt his head at Dean in a suggestive manner. It makes Dean smirk. 

"You ready for another?" Dean asks.

"I'd like to try something." He tries to make his voice sound seductive. To him, it sounds more like a mad scientist from one of the science fiction movies they watched.  
\---------  
Castiel has a hard time convincing Dean to join him in the tub rather than sitting beside it. "I'd like to wash you, Dean. I enjoy feeling wanted and being close to you." Before Dean can interrupt Castiel kisses him. Dean pulls back a little in shock but Castiel continues and Dean lets him deepen the kiss. When they pull back, Dean's breathing is heavy; his face and neck are red and his ears are starting to match. Cas smooths Dean's hair and strokes an eyebrow with his thumb. "Can we try? Please. I would feel better if I could be included more when we do this. It feels so one-sided when you look at me all night and then disappear into the spare room for ten minutes. It's so disappointing." 

Dean jolts in embarrassment. "Well shit Cas, tell me what you really think."

"I think you should let me try to pleasure you more rather than pulling back to save my delicate sensibilities." Castiel says before kissing Dean again. This time Dean puts his hands on Castiel's shoulders. Castiel continues the kiss as Dean's hands make their way over different parts of his body. When Dean pulls him in by his waist, he feels how hard Dean is, how he pushes and rubs against Castiel's hips. Dean pulls away from the kiss just enough to ask, "Is this okay?"

"Of course." Castiel says, pulling their hips together and mouthing at Dean's jaw. He knows not to expect the lightning thrill of desire, but he still holds out hope that he can get an erection if they touch long enough. Castiel can tell Dean is trying to avoid the topic of Cas' absent erection by keeping his hands above the hips, so Cas shoves his hand down Dean's pants and starts to stroke Dean. 

"We're not going to make it to the bath, are we?" Dean asks. Castiel is pulling at their belts and they're taking their pants off. 

"That's up to you." He says.

Dean looks him over, just takes every second to admire Castiel's form with a silly smile on his face. "You're really good at this seduction thing."

"I hadn't noticed." Castiel says. Dean throws his head back and guffaws, clapping his hands together. 

"You're funny too." He says once he calms down. "How did I get so lucky?" Dean moves back in to kiss Castiel again. Castiel takes his hand and holds Dean like he's about to waltz him down the hallway but Castiel just looks at him, lit up with joy and anticipation. His hair is a mess and he's warm against Dean. Dean shivers with excitement. "Fuck. Either we get our bath in or I take you to bed and kiss you until we fall asleep. I can't handle both."

"Castiel kisses Dean's nose and pulls him toward the bed. I suppose you can wash me up in the morning. I'd like it if you would touch yourself for me."

"What?" Dean stops and it pulls at Cas making him jerk back. "What?" Dean's voice is higher than before and shaky with nerves. 

"I'd like to see what makes you whimper my name when you come." Cas says matter-of-fact.

Dean doesn't know what to say to that. He's about to ask Cas where he wants him to sit when he catches up. "Wait, you can hear me?"

Cas gives Dean a look of disapproval. "Dean I sometimes think the whole block can hear you. How you can believe you're being so secretive about it is beyond me."  
Dean nervously laughs. "Sorry."

"Oh don't be sorry. I'm eager to see what you do to yourself. What you imagine me doing to you. It's always interesting to see what can make someone fall apart." Cas knows what Dean likes to hear. He can hear Dean through the door on nights they kiss too long, Cas can picture him saying filthy things to his imaginary Castiel while he strokes himself. Castiel is quite curious. He's also a little jealous of fantasy Castiel.

"Well, fuck." Is all Dean says before he's kissing Cas again.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nsfw and a family vacation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have issues with this chapter but i think it's because i've read through it so many times. Where do i start? theres nsfw in the beginning continuing from last chapter. Their vacation takes place around the time of Dean's birthday, as Gabriel and Castiel planned. I've tried to include Sam, Jess, and Gabriel but they're not in it as much as I would have liked. I wanted to keep the scenes moving along since this story is already MUCH longer than i ever planned. I just keep writing stupid domestic things I've always wanted in deancas fic and there's no real movement in the story. I feel at some point it's going to stagnate and get annoying. So while we're still interested, let me know if there's something you'd like to see and I'll try to fit it in somewhere.

Dean lets Castiel set the tone for the rest of the evening, allowing him to deepen their kiss and undress even if he's happy with just the kissing. Castiel is thorough when it comes to kissing Dean, who ends up feeling heavy and content and warm all over when Castiel kisses him to sleep. Dean feels blessed to experience more with him. 

Castiel lies on his side and pulls Dean down until he's on his back. Dean is breathing heavy, his freckled face and neck pink with arousal and he's looking at Cas with anxiousness, awaiting instruction. Castiel kisses Dean's shoulder and down his arm. 

"May I?" Castiel gestures to Dean's dick which twitches, swollen and leaking precome across Dean's thigh. 

"Uh, yeah. Y-yes." Dean stammers. Castiel slides tenative fingers over Dean's chest and torso. He's gentle with Dean, reveling in the smooth warmth of his skin. Dean wants to close his eyes and enjoy the sensation but to see Castiel touch him in this way feels like a gift and something to treasure. He looks at Castiel's face which is set with concentration. 

Castiel scrapes his fingers from one side of Dean's hip across his belly to the other before moving further down. Dean takes a deep shuddering breath, trying to keep himself from falling apart. When Cas takes Dean in hand and begins to pump in a slow steady rhythm, Dean almost loses it. 

Dean shuts his eyes tight and tries to will away the orgasm. He feels like an overexcited teenager because Castiel stops and asks, "Are you okay? I didn't hurt you did I? It's been a while since I've done this."

It takes him a few deep breaths before he can answer. "I'm fine. It's me, I'm sorry. I didn't want to come yet." His voice comes out rough. "Sorry."

Castiel studies Dean's face before taking a long careful look up and down his body, "If that's the case, I'd like to finish watching, if you please." Castiel grabs Dean's hand and kisses it before placing it over Dean's dick. He scoots closer to Dean and kisses his cheek. "Continue."

Dean keeps his eyes on Cas, who is looking down at the hand he has around his cock. He takes a deep breath and slides it over the head, smearing precome over and down. His legs are shaking already and it's only been a handful of minutes. Castiel looks back up at him and holds his gaze so Dean starts a punishing rythm, waiting for the quick juddering motion of his arm to pull Castiel's attention downward. It doesn't. 

Castiel's complete focus is on Dean, how wide his eyes become, how he licks his lips as he catalogues Cas' features, the tiny moans that are falling out of every exhale. Dean tenses and his eyes fall shut. His head turns into Cas' shoulder as he comes all over his hand and belly. "Cas." He says with a breathy moan. "Fuck."

Dean's still coming down from his post-orgasmic high as Castiel kisses him. He's breathing too heavy for deep kisses but Castiel kisses his cheeks, his nose, each of his eyelids. He's slow and methodical, gently brushing the hair from Dean's forehead before kissing it too. "You looked so beautiful, letting go like that." He says before getting up to fetch a washrag. "It was an honour, Dean. Thank you."

It takes a few minutes for Cas' words to sink in and it makes Dean's heart swell and his head swim. "I don't know what I did to deserve you, man. You're something else." Cas pulls Dean into a comfortable hug. "I uh, sorry it was so quick. You being here next to me," Dean pauses as Cas pulls him closer until almost every part of them is touching. "You do so much to me."

Cas eyes are bright and happy when he leans in for another kiss. They're sleepy slow kisses, gentle and full of joy. They kiss until they're too tired to keep their eyes open.  
-

 

[january] Dean spends three days trying to talk Castiel into a different trip. He bargains, begs, and at times flat out refuses to go with him when he finds out they're taking a plane to South America.  
In the end, Cas buys Dean a comfortable travel pillow and holds him close during the flight. Dean only pukes once.  
-  
Dean tries not to act self-conscious of his body when they have their first yoga session. Sam looks like a professional athlete; Castiel's pants are too tight for Dean to feel comfortable with Cas doing any sort of bending in front of other people for an hour; Gabriel's wearing obscene shorties and a grey shirt with a cupcake on it and Dean didn't have anything appropriate for yoga so Cas gave him a pair of shorts. They're not as short as Gabriel's but they make him feel overexposed and Dean's shirt is riding up every time he moves so he keeps having to pulling down at it. Every pose lasts too long for him while the sun shines into the room making it feel like a hundred degrees. 

By the time the class lets out, he's grumpy, hungry, and in desperate need of a shower. Castiel is beaming so Dean doesn't have the heart to say anything negative. He just pats him on the shoulder and heads to their room to wash up.

Dean comes out of the shower to find Castiel sitting on the bed looking through his shaving kit. 

"Hey." Dean grunts out. He digs through his bags for a loose fitting shirt. "You hungry?" Cas doesn't say anything until Dean looks over. 

"No. Sam and Jessica decided to go hiking to see some of the ruins." Castiel keeps turning the bag over in his hands.

"Did you want to go?" Dean takes it from him and puts it in his duffel. "We'll shave tonight before bed."

"You're going to be too tired." Cas says sounding disappointed. Dean sits close to him on the bed and knocks his knee against Cas'.

"I could use some fresh air. You've been waiting for this trip for awhile now. I don't wanna make you stay stuffed up in a room the whole time." Dean gives an encouraging smile.

"Okay." Castiel nods. 

"Alright, let's stop and get some food first. I'm starving." Dean puts on a button down shirt. He's never seen it before but it's loose and thin and it fits well. Cas looks at him with approval so Dean figures Cas did a little shopping for him on his own. 

"Thank you." He says.

Cas gives him a shy smile. "I'm glad it fits." He gets up and grabs their hats and sunscreen. "If you're hungry, there's a small market on the way to the site. They sell fried guinea pig."

Dean cringes. "Dude! Gross." 

Castiel shrugs. "Local delicacies are interesting."

"Not if you're eating someone's pet." Dean says sounding offended.

Cas puts his hand to Dean's chin. "So what classifies an animal as food or pet?"

"Are you asking me or trying to start a weird debate?"

Cas grins. "I'm just giving you something to think about when we go down to the market and you inevitably buy some sort of meat dish."

"You're not turning vegan on me are you? Maybe this yoga thing was a bad idea..." Dean says jokingly.

Castiel chuckles. "Maybe. You looked like you were ready to hurt someone the entire session."

"It was a million friggin degrees in that room!"

"I'm so grateful that you decided to stay anyway." Castiel takes Dean's hand and squeezes. Dean squeezes back.  
-

The market is too noisy for Castiel. The heavy smell of spices pervades the area. Dean is holding his hand, pulling him through the crowd. Every few moments Dean looks back and mouths to ask if Castiel is okay. They can barely hear with the sound of people haggling and tourists chatting. Castiel nods to continue. The sooner they're out, the better.  
They take their food with them, ready to enjoy the quiet of the trails the lead to the monuments. Dean has some sort of roasted bread smeared with a vegetable mixture and Castiel settled for fruit with his bread.

When they're finished eating they make their way down the trails. It takes a little under an hour to get to the ruins and Dean only complains for the last ten minutes or so but it's a beautiful view so he tries not to sound too mad about the walk. 

On the way back, Cas takes a 'shortcut' to show Dean a waterfall he remembered visiting before. Castiel explains how he found it when one of the girls in his group was talking about where her fiancee proposed to her the year before. He stops short just as the falls come into view and Dean runs into him. Dean's about to complain when he sees Sam and Jessica kissing in the water. Castiel tries to shove him back to give the couple their privacy when Jess says, "Dean! Castiel! Come here. Don't be shy."

"I didn't think you guys would be coming here." Sam says, embarrassed.

Dean looks confused. He looks over at Cas, who is looking at his shoes. "What do you mean?"

"Cas didn't tell you about the falls?" Sam says incredulously.

"Yeah. I mean he talked about the chick that showed him last time he came."

Sam's eyes keep diverting to look at Cas, who keeps still and quiet. Sam looks like he's about to say something before changing his mind. "Okay, well, Jess and I just figured we'd check it out. It's so nice here." Sam looks at Jess and gives a sappy looking smile.

Dean just huffs. "Well, we'll leave you lovebirds to it. I'm ready for a shower and a real meal." He turns to leave, gesturing at Castiel. "Unless you wanna hang out with them..."  
Castiel looks like he's warring with himself on the decision. He's fidgeting as he asks,"Could we stay for a few minutes? They have a buffet at the resort but it doesn't open until seven."

Dean doesn't want to deny him anything on this trip. Cas talked about how excited he was to return to the area every day up until they arrived at the resort. "Alright," He says with hesitance, "but I'm not going in the water."

"Can't win them all." Says Jessica. "You comin' in Cas?"

Castiel looks back at Dean as if asking permission. Dean just puts his hands out, "Hey, you do what you wanna do."

Cas nods and starts removing his clothing, handing the items to Dean to so he can fold them. Jess and Sam turn away so he can get into the water.  
"It's much colder than I thought it would be." He says. 

Jessica giggles. "That's what Sam said too." 

"Hey!" Sam says, splashing water at her, "I can't help it!"

"Gross! Cas is swimming in that water!" Dean says sounding offended. "You guys knew you were gonna see the waterfall, why didn't you bring your swimming stuff?"

"Castiel said it only works if you're naked." Jess says playfully.

Dean looks at them with suspicion. "What only works?" 

Sam's quick to speak up. "Nothing, nevermind. Just kind of a silly tradition."

"Oh my god," Jess says, fed up. "Just tell Dean already."

"Tell Dean what?" Dean says. "What's going on?" He looks angry.

Castiel turns to him and sighs. "This waterfall is a traditional spot where couples go to marry and conceive. Tourists use the spot to propose or marry here, many of them sneak out of the resort to consummate. Luck will follow your engagement if you conclude your relations in the waters."

Dean makes a sound of disgust and points at them, "You guys are swimming in it?!" 

Cas just shrugs. "I doubt many have sex in the water, I'm sure they agree with you. Regardless, it's fed by a natural spring that renews every hour or so."

"And we've been the only ones here for about two hours." Jessica adds, winking at Dean. He pauses and blinks for a moment. 

"So, what, you come out here to propose, Sammy?" Dean asks.

"We've been talking about it a lot lately and when Cas talked about the falls we figured it would be perfect."

Dean looks at them with an unreadable expression. He takes a moment and looks at Cas, "Huh." He huffs out. "Okay. Well, mazel tov. You guys make a great couple. Just don't make me an uncle yet."

They swim for another half hour and listen to Dean's stomach groaning. 

"It's like it's sentient." Jessica jokes.

"Sometimes I wonder." Cas says.

"Ha, friggin' ha. Can we please go now. I wanna get back before the food runs out."  
-

When they get to their rooms to get cleaned up for dinner, Dean finally asks Cas about his odd behaviour at the falls. Cas avoids the topic at first, giving in only when Dean starts crowding him and not letting him into the bathroom. "I'll shave you but you gotta tell me what's up, man. If it's something I did, I can't fix it unless you tell me."

Cas sits on the toilet seat while Dean grabs a more comfortable chair from the room for him to sit. "I worried about your reaction to the tradition." Castiel starts to fidget. Dean grabs Cas' hands and places the shaving cream bowl in one and razor in the other. 

"What do you mean? Like if we went there, you thought I was gonna freak out about us getting married?"

"I know how you feel about commitment." Cas says with sadness. "I'm not exactly best choice for a life partner. I can't even take care of myself." Dean tips Cas chin up forcing Cas to focus on him.

"Cas, we live together." He whips up a lather with the shaving cream and smooths it over Castiel's neck and cheeks. "We do boring shit together like laundry and sorting bills and giving each other foot rubs. We value each others' opinions and emotions more than everyone else. We argue over stupid shit and then hold each other until we fall asleep. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, and I'm sure you feel the same. We both have our weaknesses but when we're together we help each other find our strengths. I think we're as married as we can get without the expensive wedding." Dean holds Castiel's cream covered cheeks in his hands. "Besides, I don't know enough people to have a full set of bridesmaids." He jokes.

Castiel's eyes soften. "Dean, I-" He tries to think of how best to say what he wants with as much eloquence and conviction as what Dean just did. Dean shushes him and kisses his forehead. 

"Me too. Let's get you shaved and we'll get a nice hot shower. It's almost dinner time."  
-  
Dean and Cas head to the dining rooms, keeping an eye out for Gabriel, Sam and Jessica. All they have to do is find the tallest person in the room. Dean steers Cas over to their table following their fluffy haired beacon. "Looking good, guys." He says with cheer, winking at Gabriel who has an extreme case of sunburn. Gabriel flips him off and goes back to eating. 

Jessica snorts, "He's just being grumpy because the girl he met left him sleeping on the balcony after they fooled around this morning."

"I'm just saying, she could have at least thrown something over me so it wouldn't have been so bad. It itches _everywhere_." Gabriel points down below the waist, causing Dean to grimace.

"I told you not to sleep with anyone here, Gabriel." Cas scolds. "You're putting bad karma into the air."

Gabriel rolls his eyes, "Whatever. How did it go at the falls? Did you propose?" He cocks his head at Castiel who looks away in embarrasment. 

"We're not getting married." Dean says flatly. "We've only been on three dates." He grabs Castiel's hand. "Let's eat."

They walk away to get their plates, leaving the group to watch in surprise. 

"Three dates?" Jessica snorts. "They're living together, right? Like they're together?"

"There's a lot of factors involved." Sam says.

"I don't think they see it, but maybe they're not ready to." Gabriel says before shoving a particularly large amount of food in his mouth. "Either way," he says, grossing Jess and Sam out, "they have their whole lives to work it out."

"Dude, you need to stop hanging out with Dean, that's just gross." Sam cringes. Gabriel sticks his tongue out at him in retaliation.  
-  
"So you'd think we'd been together for years, huh?" Dean nudges Cas with an elbow before piling his plate with macaroni. "Maybe if we're still together when we're fifty, we can go to Vegas and gamble our retirement money away." He chuckles. "We'll get hitched by Elvis."

Cas nods, poking at the barbeque chicken with tongs. "Maybe."

Dean gives Cas a calculating look. "What's wrong?"

"I never thought I'd be in a relationship where I was comfortable thinking about the future. It's unsettling."

"Are you worried?" Dean puts a hand to Cas' shoulder. "You're okay right?" 

"Yes. It's a good feeling, to know someone will be there for you." Castiel means it. He feels warm and relaxed and happy. A small part of him keeps wondering when it's going to fall apart but so far he's been able to keep it under control.

"Good." Dean beams at him. "Well I'm glad I can do something to make you smile." Dean brushes Cas' cheek and goes back to loading food on his plate.

Cas watches him for a moment, humming in agreement before heading down the line.  
-  
The rest of the week goes well. Dean gets used to wearing "yoga clothes" and more tropical patterned shirts begin to appear in his bags. Some of them are particularly garish but he wears them anyway, giving Cas a kiss on the cheek and a gentle, "thank you" every time he finds a new one to wear. Sam quirked his eyebrow at Dean the first time he saw one of the shirts. Dean glared him down until he got the message. 

"I like your shirt, Dean. Where'd you get it?" Sam asked. 

"Cas got it for me. I look good." Dean smoothed his hands down his front while Cas looked particularly pleased with himself.

Dean decides to return the favour and find a gift for Castiel next time they go to the market. They find a woman selling beaded jewelry who calls them over the moment she sees them. Dean heads over with caution while she speaks to Castiel in the local language. He seems a bit rusty but picks it up quick.

"She says she saw how beautiful your eyes were and that she has stones that would match." Castiel translates to Dean. The woman is speaking fast, more words than what Dean thinks would make up what Castiel is relaying. "She says she'll give us two of her finest beads of hewn stone for the price of one." She says something aggressive to Castiel as if correcting him, Dean isn't sure. "Sorry, sorry, she says she will give us two stone rings for the price of one."

Dean hums and looks at her and the jewelry around her on display. "Okay, well pick what you like too. I wanted to find something for you anyway." 

She says something else but Castiel replies in a negative tone, his face turning red with embarrassment. She just shakes her head at him. Dean is so lost. She pulls out a small wooden box and opens it, gesturing them to step closer and peek inside. 

There are rows of stone rings in different colours. She reaches over and grabs Dean's hand, feeling the knuckles of his fingers and then grabbing for one of the rings. Dean's shocked at the woman's straightforwardness but doesn't jerk back. She puts a dark green ring on his middle finger and says something that sounds motherly. 

Dean looks to Castiel waiting for the translation. "You bear too much responsibility for a child. Too much pain. You must find that you can grow into a man who heals his heavy heart, rather than one who must carry it with him."

Dean looks at the woman, speechless. She pats his hand and says something before moving on to Castiel. Dean is still trying to figure out what she meant while she speaks to Castiel. Cas isn't explaining anything she's saying but it's lengthy, whatever it is. Finally she slides a ring on his pinky finger and pats his cheek. Castiel says something to her that sounds like a question to which she replies in a mothering tone. They both laugh. Cas picks out a sandy pink tone bracelet for himself and a black banded bracelet for Dean. 

Dean hands her money and she takes out some, handing him the change. She waves them off. The experience leaves Dean reeling. Castiel holds Dean's hand tight as they walk through the market back to the resort. 

Dean asks Castiel what she said about his pinky ring but Castiel just shakes his head. "I'd like to keep that to myself for now."

"Okay." Dean says. "No big." Cas kisses his cheek and heads into the bathroom to get cleaned up before dinner. Dean lies back on the bed and thinks about what the woman said.

When Cas comes out of the shower Dean is sleepily rubbing at his eyes. "You think there's psychics out there that are the real deal?"

"I'd like to think everything is possible. Are we talking about the woman at the market?"

"Yeah. Like does she just pick certain phrases that sound good to tourists? Like I've seen the ones on tv say some vague shit that relates to everyone."

"I don't know, Dean."

Dean shrugs. "Whatever, let's get some food. I just wanna lay down, I'm so tired today."

"We can get room service." Cas heads to him and kneels half on the bed, putting one knee between Dean's legs. "It's too late to head to the falls, but we can't leave without having vacation sex." Castiel puts his head on Dean's chest.

Dean runs a hand through Castiel's hair. "Well I guess we'll have to do something about that. I'm still all bendy from this morning, if you wanna take advantage..." 

"I might. I think I'd like to watch you again, if that's okay." Cas says, voice rough and sleepy.

"Yeah. Yeah, we can order some dinner and put on a movie." Dean yawns.

"I'll get up in a minute." Castiel whispers. Dean's still running his fingers across Cas' scalp and enjoying the weight and warmth of Cas' body on him. 

Dean wakes an hour later when his arm falls asleep. Castiel is snoring so Dean reaches as quiet and careful as he can to pull a comforter over them.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas has some post vacation blues. Sad stuff happens, things aren't going well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of this chapter made me think of that starbucks sign about them being cupid so I may or may not have inserted a mention. I refuse to apologise.-  
> My shit attempt at explaining this chapter: Have you ever overthought something so much that it basically made you become your own enemy?- Neither Dean nor Cas have exactly had successful relationships so some of the things they do to themselves and each other emotionally/psychologically aren't exactly healthy. Cas knows this but he chooses to ignore what he's learned and studies because "it doesn't apply to him" because he's "different" and things are "different." You know what I mean? We all think we are unique and we know what we're doing until it we find out that we just plain messed up. Some of us are lucky to have a good support group who help us find what we need, some of us not so much. 
> 
> I know my writing style is never the same each time, I do apologise for that. Please let me know what you think about this chapter and if you have any questions/comments about any of my writing. Thank you for taking the time to read it.

Reopening the shop after such a long vacation takes much longer than they planned for. Castiel wipes down the furniture up front and puts the advertising signs back in their place. Gabriel spends most of the day cleaning the machines and getting food counts for the mid-week delivery. Dean and Cas stay late making sugar cookie dough for the upcoming Valentine's Day orders so Gabriel can get some sleep before having to open early to start the morning breads. By the time they get home they're stumbling up the steps and into bed, curling up close together without even removing their shoes.  
-  
Dean is breathing against Castiel's neck, whispering filthy promises against his skin. His hands are sliding against every inch of Castiel that isn't covered with the comforter, grasping and scratching at times, exploring and pulling his lover closer against him. Castiel feels Dean hard against his inner thigh, feels the slip and slide between his legs as Dean grips Castiel's soft penis and rolls his fingers. Castiel's body does not respond but Castiel hums and encourages Dean's movements. It's not until Dean is pulling Castiel over him and asking to be taken that Castiel realises he is dreaming. He wakes hoping to find himself erect but isn't surprised when he sees his body didn't find the dream enjoyable. 

 

The dream sticks with Castiel over the week and he finds himself thinking about it rather than working most of the time. He waits until Dean is cleaning the counter area and readying to close the shop before moving his things to the stools near the register. Dean's movements are automatic, bringing over a cookie and a mug of tea before asking how Castiel is doing. 

"Pondering the necessity of sex." Castiel says, sounding bored. Dean almost spills the tea when he recoils in surprise. He blinks a few times.

"Um, okay Castiel...any particular reason why?"

Castiel sighs. "I feel I'm disappointing you in that aspect of our relationship."

"You aren't. You could never disappoint me, man." 

"Such faith."

"I'm not going to push you into anything. I know you try your best." Castiel gives him a skeptical look and Dean gets defensive. "Cas, listen, I'm happy with whatever you'll give me." He sighs and continues, "I just want you to be happy too."

 

Castiel sits up and gives a sardonic smile. "Ah yes, the starving man accepting crumbs from under the table." 

"Listen, if it's about the sex thing, I've got two hands if things ever get too much. It's not like I don't have any self control, Jesus."

"I like the way you are when we're intimate, Dean." Cas pleads. "You're so open and gentle and I just want to make things good for you." 

"I know, I know you like to see how things go but sometimes you push too far. I just don't want you doing something you'd regret." 

"I wouldn't regret trying anything with you." Castiel tries to put on a flirty smile to hide the anxiousness he feels over the matter. Dean can tell now when Castiel hides like this, so he changes the subject to avoid any discomfort.

"Tell me how the cookie is. It's a new recipe." Dean pats his hand and heads back to the register to start counting down his drawer. 

"It's fine. Needs some sort of glaze or frosting." He says, voice clipped with disappointment. Castiel is upset with himself for trying to bring up sex. He wants to just ignore it. Sometimes he thinks about moving back in with Gabriel and continuing things as they were when he had first arrived. Things were still pleasant with Dean, without any feelings of obligation. He surprised himself for daring to start a relationship with Dean. Some days it's all he can think about. What he can do to make Dean happy, to make them closer.

 

On the way home Castiel drifts in and out of conversation with Dean, as if on autopilot. Dean doesn't try to stop him, hoping to avoid confrontation.  
They've not been together for long, but Castiel had hoped Dean would be amiable to moving at a pace Castiel felt comfortable with rather than resisting him. He's only tried a long term relationship with one other person but he didn't get far once they realised he wasn't going to respond as enthusiastically during intercourse. Castiel ended up feeling humiliated to think he could maintain the sexual aspect of a relationship with someone.

Dean is patient with him and it hurts Cas to think he would deny Dean of having a proper relationship. Makes Castiel wonder how things would be if he tried more, pushed himself so that he could get over the setbacks and give Dean a chance at a working relationship. These self-defeating thoughts plague Castiel, becoming especially harsh during their preparations for Valentines day at the shop. 

 

Cas is unable to sleep without his medication on his good days but it hasn't been as effective lately. He's afraid of slipping. He doesn't want to go back to the hospital. He holds Dean tight and listens to him snore, thinking of all the ways he's made mistakes during their short time together and of the things he could try to make it up to Dean. Things he could do to thank Dean for allowing Castiel to stay with him. When Dean begins to stir, Castiel closes his eyes and feigns sleep until Dean gets up to make coffee. 

On the morning of Valentine's Day Castiel fakes illness. He feels ashamed to be lying to Dean but he doesn't want to face a store full of lovesick college students when Dean leaves him at the counter to work. He supposes he could try to help with the baking but the mere thought of getting dressed for the day becomes too much. Dean keeps asking him what's wrong but he doesn't know what to say or how to explain it and he doesn't want Dean worrying about him.

"Well, if you're feeling better later, will you call me? Or just call me whenever. Or text." Dean is dressing quickly, already running late from taking Castiel's temperature and running him a hot bath. "I wish I could stay. We really do need to hire another person." He puts the back of his hand over Castiel's forehead and kisses his cheek once more before leaving.

Castiel leans back and closes his eyes, hoping to catch up on even a small amount of sleep. Dean yells from downstairs, "I'll save you some of those heart shaped croissant thingies, okay?" 

"Thank you, Dean. Now go before Gabriel starts calling." Castiel shouts back. He closes his eyes and lets his mind race until it doesn't.

Castiel wakes up groggy and surprised to have slept so long. It's almost noon. He checks his phone to make sure Gabriel and Dean haven't tried to contact him. There's a text from Gabriel wishing him well and a picture message from Dean. It looks like one of the sidewalk order boards from the coffee shop down the street but instead of the special of the day, it's a list of couples spelling out the name of the shop. Cas reads down the list and finds his and Dean's name scribbled in different coloured chalk over where another pair of names had been. 

Dean's caption reads: "I couldn't resist. It was a pain in the ass to talk the shopgirl into giving me a piece of chalk." Castiel's heart feels like it's spilling over with gratitude. He wants to cry and Dean's not here so he does. Cas cries until his tears dry and the wracking sobs become painful. His chest feels hollow and his head full of hot sand. Castiel digs through his nightstand and takes his medication. He's too tired to cry, too empty for tears, so he laughs and keens until he's too tired to move and then he sleeps. It's a deep, empty sleep that brings no peace when he wakes.

When Dean comes in, sweaty and dusted with flour, he doesn't hesitate to hold Castiel. It looks like Cas hasn't moved at all since Dean left this morning. For all Dean knows, he hasn't. He pulls the covers away and wraps himself around his friend, covering them both. Dean doesn't know what's wrong, he just hopes Castiel will let Dean be here with him all the while.  
-  
Castiel wakes to Dean snoring in his ear. Castiel's mouth is so dry it's making him want to cough so he tries to be as quiet as he gradually pulls himself out of Dean's tight hold.He gets a drink from the water faucet before relieving himself. It's dark outside and Dean's home so he figures it's sometime after seven unless he slept through the night and it's past midnight.He empties the tub Dean had filled for him earlier and adds hot water and more bubbles. When it's warm enough he slides in and lets it fill just to where he can rest his head at the bottom.

He listens to the wind moving the house, the water heater entering it's cooldown cycle, and the slow trickle of water from the tub's overflow valve. When the water starts getting cold he repeats the process. Empty the cold, refill with hot, add bubbles, lie back and let the water cover his eyes.

-  
Dean wakes up to Castiel crying. His hair is damp and his body soft and puffy from being in the water too long. Castiel buries his face in Dean's neck and lets himself cry until he's hiccuping. Dean holds him close and runs his hand through wet curls, ruffling it one way and smoothing the next. He creates a gentle waving rhythm that soothes them both. Cas' rough voice startles Dean when he speaks. It's a string of rumbling apologies so earnest and painful to hear as if being pulled one by one out of Castiel. Dean doesn't shush him, doesn't say anything, he just holds on until Cas pulls away.

"Sorry." Cas says again. 

"'S okay. You feelin' better?" Dean's tired drawl makes Cas feel worse. Dean worked all day and Cas is keeping him from resting. 

"Yes, thank you." He tries to keep his face from crumpling with emotion.

"C'mere." Dean pulls Cas back to him and holds him. "You do what you need to do, Cas." Cas shakes his head against Dean's throat. 

"I don't think I can cry anymore. I'm so tired."

"Did you eat? I can make you some tea or somethin'. I brought you some cookies if you want those." Dean pulls himself back to see Castiel's face. Cas' eyes are puffy from crying and he doesn't look up at Dean but he still replies.

"Okay."

"Here, let me up." Dean removes himself from their tangled blankets and limbs. "I'll be right back okay?"

"Yeah."  
-  
It only takes two days for Gabriel to catch on. Gabriel couldn't help notice how tired and worn Dean looked coming in and Castiel has only responded to his texts with single word answers. 

Gabriel decides to visit Castiel, telling Dean he's heading to the bank. "Don't wait up!"

"Trust me, I won't."

Gabriel doesn't have a house key and Dean still hasn't locked his basement windows. He slides in getting his jacket muddy in the process. He removes it and wipes it down with one of the cleaning rags in the laundry room before heading upstairs. 

"Castiel?" Gabe looks from room to room, heading to the main bedroom. "Cassie."

"Gabriel? What are you doing here?" Castiel has all the blankets on the bed tucked in and around him, the pillows covering his head. 

"Just wanted to see how you were. Haven't seen you in a few days. You don't call, you don't write..." Gabriel jokingly nags.

"I'm not feeling well." Castiel's muffled voice sounds annoyed. Gabriel crawls up the bed over Cas.

"Would pizza make you feel better?" Gabriel slides his cold hands over Castiel's neck. Cas hits him with a pillow and turns over.

"No."

"Cake?"

"Go away, Gabriel. As you can see, I'm still alive."

"Hardly. You're angry at yourself for something, aren't you? Or sad? Are you torturing yourself?"

"No." Castiel's voice wavers. "Maybe. What does it matter anyway? Everything is going well otherwise."

"Dean hasn't slept well in days and it's affecting my cookie counts. Castiel, we can't let. that. man. suffer!" Gabriel is bouncing Cas into the bed to emphasise every word, shaking the pillows away from Cas' face. Castiel pushes him away.

"Knock it off! Get me some tea and we'll talk."

"Yes, sir!" Gabriel mock salutes and bounds away. 

"Take a shower while I make you food!" He says as he heads downstairs. Castiel rolls his eyes and covers himself back up with pillows and blankets. When Gabriel returns with jelly toast and licorice tea, Castiel is right where he left him. He places the food on Dean's sidetable and crawls in next to Cas. 

"You know you can talk to me about anything, Cassie." Gabriel murmurs. 

"Promise you won't laugh." Castiel says. He feels like he's in middle school all over again, trying to tell Gabriel about his first kiss.

 

"What's so bad that you're locking yourself in here for days?"

"That's not the point, Gabriel."

"Fine. I promise." Gabriel sighs in defeat. They sit in silence for a few minutes. 

Gabriel is about to tell Castiel to continue when Castiel blurts out, "I want to have sex with Dean but I can't get an erection." 

Gabriel inhales, surprised. "Yikes." 

Castiel turns around to smack him. "This is why I didn't want to tell you!" 

Gabriel's fighting Castiel off, "Sorry, sorry! I didn't mean it like that, bro. Chill out." Castiel is too weak to put up much of a fight so he gives up and lets Gabriel wrap his arms around him. 

"Is this a recent development?"

"No."

"How long?"

"Since college."

"Like, it's impossible or just difficult?"

"It takes a lot of stimulus. It doesn't happen as easily as I've seen for others. Even if I do get one, it doesn't last long." Castiel is avoiding looking at Gabriel as he speaks, worried Gabriel would be smiling or fighting off laughter. His brother's tone is serious, though and it makes him feel a little bit better.

"Have you talked to a doctor?"

"They said it's psychological but recommended pills if I was going to be sexually active."

"More pills, huh?"

"It seems ridiculous." Castiel looks up, looking for affirmation. It does feel stupid when he puts it so plain. He needs to have sex, not for himself, but for his peace of mind. Castiel, who vowed never to let sex be the focus of any relationship, can't stop thinking about how to please his partner.

"No, no. No. Listen, I get it. You've got someone you actually care about who cares about you just as much. You wanna make sure he doesn't go without." Castiel breaks eye contact but nods in agreement. 

Gabriel continues, "You know he doesn't care about that stuff. He's so happy to have you, Cassie. He's had so few good things happen in his life and you're one of them. Doesn't that make you feel good to know that when Dean comes home, all he wants is for you to smile and be happy and have everything you need. He doesn't need an orgasm. He needs you to be okay, Castiel."

Gabriel's words are forceful, pushing their way into Castiel's heart. He's right, of course. There's no doubt in Castiel's mind about the way Dean feels about him, but he could be everything Dean could ever want if only he were more of a person.

"I know. I do." Castiel feels like he's whining at this point. "But I want to feel good to want something for him even if everyone tells me it's unnecessary. I've seen how relaxed and content he is when he's sated. It's satisfying to know I've done that for him. He gives me so much and I feel like I don't give back."

"Have you guys talked about it, about the way you feel?"

"Yes. Well, no, I've mentioned it. We've been taking things slow. I watch most of the time. I've learned to enjoy feeling wanted like that and to feel that personal connection with him."

"I don't want to give shitty advice that makes things worse, Castiel."

"He's afraid I'll break."

"Okay, well. Have you tried any solo stuff?"

"Not lately."

"Castiel." Gabriel pretends he's shocked. "You mean to tell me you've had all these days to yourself and haven't tried once?"

"I've been ill."

"I know your, uh, little Jimmy isn't the only problem."

"I don't know. It's everything. And nothing. I want..." Castiel licks his lips. "...I want to feel capable and confident. I want to have my shit together, Gabriel. I miss my job, I miss travelling and feeling like I could take on the world."

"You act like you can't. We just went to another continent. One that you've visited on your own. You learned two languages just to go there. You got arrested and talked your way out of jail time!"

"I can't, I'm not-" Castiel pauses, looking for the words. "Look, I'm not that guy anymore. I never was that guy. The only reason I was able to do it was because I pretended. I'm sick of pretending I'm okay. That's why I got put in the damn hospital in the first point. What the fuck is the point of acting like I can do it when I'm dying inside the entire time?" Castiel rubs his eyes and Gabriel pulls him close. "I'm so tired."

"Because you always reach your goals, Castiel. You've always done what you've had to, even when it scared the shit out of you. The only thing that's changed is that now you can do what you want. You can decide when and what and how. It's still going to be scary and you're still going to feel uncertain, but that's what we all go through. There's always that fear that sits in the back of our mind, brother. It wears you down, but you gotta find things that help you fight that and keep going." 

Gabriel feels like he's giving the most important motivational speech in his life. For all he knows, he is. Castiel speaks into his shirt and it makes Gabriel's heart hurt. He remembers when they were little, when Castiel would crawl into his bed after a bad dream. When they weren't so little and they were looking for comfort after fighting with their parents. 

"How do you keep it quiet? How do you get past that?" Castiel's voice is small, almost childlike.

Gabriel shuts his eyes, willing away any tears that threaten to spill over. "Honestly, you don't. It just becomes another wave to ride as you go about your day. Some days it tries to overtake you. Some days not so much."

"What's the point?" Cas sounds hopeless and disappointed. Sometimes Gabriel wants to give in to what Cas is feeling. Wonders how easy it would be to let it spill over and drown him like it did their father. Like it's done to almost everyone in Gabriel's life. He was lucky enough to get Castiel back this time, so he hugs Cas tight and puts cheer in his voice.

"The point is, my dear Castiel James, you have a beautiful boyfriend who acts like you hung the freakin' moon, a loving brother who feels the same, and endless potential to become the greatest baker-writer of our time."

"How will I write if I'm baking all the time?"

"Actually, I'd rather say cashier-writer but I know you don't like the crowds. Your cinnamon rolls could use some work, too."

Castiel feigns offense, making a disgusted face. "Why, I've never..."

Gabriel's phone dings with a text. He pulls away and sits up, looking at the message. "Mhm, that's what they all say. I'm going to visit every day until things get better for you. I gotta relieve Dean of his duties, but call me okay?" Gabriel doesn't want to leave but he can't make Dean close on his own after a holiday. They still have work left to do from yesterday.

"Thank you for coming to see me."

"Any time, Castiel. Hey, make sure you eat, or at least drink something. Don't need you passing out without us here." He gets up and tucks Castiel back into the blankets, handing him the pillows that got pushed aside. "If you want, I can come over later. We can all watch a movie or something."  
"Thank you." Castiel doesn't look much better than when he arrived, but Gabriel is glad to see Cas with a genuine smile.

"Bye. Love you." Gabriel throws it out, but he feels afraid.

"I love you, too." Just as Gabriel turns to leave, Castiel grabs his hand. "Truly, Gabriel. Thank you." Gabriel ruffles Cas' hair and smiles. 

"Any time, Cassie."

When he gets to his car, he screams out his fear and anger and helplessness.

-  
When Gabriel returns, Dean's cleaning the pans in the kitchens and whistling to himself. 

"I'm back." He says on his way to the office.

"Okay cool. How's Cas doing?"

"Did he call?"

"Lucky guess. Also, the bank called and asked which one of us was bringing the deposit. I guess one of the girls there has a big ol' lovecrush on you." Dean winks.

"Blah, no thanks. I'm gonna work on the reports," He looks at the dishes piled near Dean, biting his tongue in consideration,"do you wanna maybe get a pizza or something?"

"Yeah, yeah sounds good. I wanna stop and get Cas some ice cream. I think we ate it all last time we hung out."

"Kay. Hey, uh, this is going to sound weird but just, go with it."

"Okay...go with what?"

"Look, Cas is all caught up about making sure sex with you is going to be worth waiting for. He's still all fucked up, no offense to either of you, but he thinks it's going to help."

"I've asked him to speak to the therapist about it." Dean sounds annoyed. Gabriel is more than happy to return the attitude.

"He doesn't want pills, Dean!"

"Sometimes you can't make a decision like that. He doesn't even take his sleeping meds right. He only takes them when I notice he's not sleeping." Dean's voice is on the verge of yelling. "They're not aspirin, they're supposed to be scheduled doses. He wants something that's going to help him, that's going to work? He needs to put in work too."

The frustration in Dean's voice makes Gabriel reconsider his approach. They don't need to be arguing about something they both agree upon.

"I'm guessing you've had this discussion with him?"

"Gabriel, we have it almost every night." Dean runs a hand through his hair and closes his eyes, taking a few deep breaths to calm down. "I get to the point I just try to explain to him that things would be better if he did them different, but it's hard making it sound like I'm on his side. I don't need him getting pissed at me about it and sleeping downstairs."

"Yeah, well he doesn't talk to me anymore."

"Yeah." Dean says, sounding defeated.

"What are we going to do?"

"I don't know, man. You can't help someone who doesn't want it. I've been down that road before."

Gabriel blows out a sad sigh. "Fuck."

Dean goes back to washing pans. "I think we're going to need more than pizza."

"I want sundaes."  
Dean chuckles. "I took home like three dozen of those croissant things yesterday." 

"Mmm, heat em up and pour chocolate all over."

"Hell yeah. Extra whipped cream."

"I hope Cas will eat with us."

"Me too."

They both try to smile, to keep blind frustration from pulling them both apart.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sad stuff, then hopeful stuff, then good stuff mostly.  
> A chapter told in four very confusing parts:  
> I. In which Dean Winchester thinks he fucks everything up.  
> II. In which Castiel attempts to find himself.  
> III. In which Castiel comforts Dean Winchester and Dean Winchester roughly returns the favour. (NSFW text, okay!)  
> IV. In which everything is okay, even if it's just for the night.
> 
> Let me know if I screwed up. I edited this thing like five times and I'm pretty sure something got taken out that wasn't supposed to be. This one reached almost 5k. I think it was all the "comfort" they had to give each other.

Spring brings a host of problems for Dean. His plans for redoing the stonework get pushed back when he notices new water stains on the ceiling in their bedroom. He checks the attic to see if anything got wet or if any beams need replacing before buying shingles. Gabriel gives him a hard time for not hiring a professional but Dean's happy to do it himself. Gabriel spends most of the first day shouting up at Dean and holding his hands up in fear as if he's going to be able to catch Dean were he to fall.

While Dean works on the roof, Castiel starts clearing space for a garden. It's too early for planting so he turns the earth and prepares it for the seedlings he wants. Things still feel tense between he and Dean so Castiel continues to keep his distance. Dean still holds him at night, still gives him special treatment when they're at the shop, but he doesn't talk with Castiel, won't tell him how he's feeling. Castiel watches Dean withdraw back into his emotional shell and does the same.

Dean continues to go to group therapy, glad to have at least a few people he knows he can talk to about what's happening at home who will understand. A lot of people have advice to give him and most of it sounds the same. He's half the problem, but that's a half he can control. If things continue to go wrong, he should take comfort in knowing it isn't his fault. As much as he'd like to just ignore everything and focus on his work, he can't bear losing Cas, and they're right when they say that's exactly what's happening.  
He tries to include Castiel in any activities as much as he can, whether he's doing things around the house or at the shop. Castiel is reluctant to follow along so Dean doesn't push. He thanks Castiel for his patience and time as often as they are together but Dean feels like he's making whatever it is that's wrong worse.

It's when Castiel leaves to stay with Gabriel that Dean realises there's nothing he can do but be supportive, regardless of how he feels about the situation. Gabriel keeps telling Dean not to take it personally, but it's hard not to when it's his relationship on the line. He was stupid to think they could have been together without effort. Dean feels bad for making Gabriel deal with the responsibility of looking after Castiel alone.  
-  
They still have dinner together on the weekend. Castiel hides away in his room when Dean arrives at Gabriel's. Dean tries not to hold it against him.  
It's the calm kind of night where they sit outside on the porch swing under a blanket and watch the stars. Castiel's absence is hard to bear on those nights. When Dean knows he has to go home and stay in an empty house. He always lingers during their farewells, hoping Cas will peek out the door. Praying Cas will walk out and change his mind about leaving.

"He misses you." Gabriel says, looking over to Dean. "Doesn't shut up about it." Dean nods his head in acknowledgement. He doesn't know what to say. It's not going to help things, regardless.

"I miss him, too." It slips out, quiet and sad. 

Gabriel leans into Dean and takes his hand. "He's still figuring some stuff out but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you any less than he did before, you know that right?"

"Yeah, I know." Dean looks at Gabriel, who doesn't look convinced. 

"You guys just love to torture yourselves, don't you? He's dedicating his book to you."

"What? What do I have to do with it?"

"He hasn't stopped writing since he got here. From what I've read, most of it is about you. It started all dry and sciency and then I got to the chapters about you and boom, there was a fairy tale. He's better at spilling what's in his heart than what's crammed into his head. I think if he just writes about you, someone's going to think it's a romance novel. Juicy stuff." Gabriel waggles his eyebrows and winks at Dean. 

Dean pushes Gabriel's smirking face away. "He didn't leave anything out, did he?"

"He was...detailed." Gabriel laughs. "I'm sure he'll change the names before he goes to his editor."

"Great." Dean deadpans.

"Just think, once you get past the growing pains, you and him are going to be inseparable. He'll have to take you with him on book tours so everyone can meet the guy who inspired him to have sex for more than the sake of knowledge."

Dean laughs. "What the fuck?"

"He said it first."

"Oh my god." They're both laughing at the ridiculousness of the statement. There's a sense of hope about them and it makes them both feel lively. "I hope that's not how he's going to pitch the book." Dean adopts Cas' rigid posture and speaks in a low gravelly tone, "This book chronicles my post-pubescent life and studies of my need to know every possible thing about sex so I won't hate it. In part two, I introduce the guy who came in his pants the first time we made out, which changed my outlook on relationships." It's a sobering thought for Dean. He didn't think he'd ruin things with somebody by refusing sex. He wonders if this is how Cas felt with his last partner.

"That's a good impression." Castiel's voice comes from behind them on the patio, startling them both. "Watching you orgasm is always enlightening, Dean." He sounds earnest but for the grin that gives away the joke. He moves to sit between the two men. Gabriel nods in agreement and Dean swats at him before Castiel sits and pulls the blanket around them all.

"Hey, Cas." Dean is unsure how to act. Castiel kisses his temple and smiles before leaning into him. Dean is hesitant putting his arm around Cas but melts into the embrace when Cas pulls him closer by his waist. It's been awhile, but they still fall into the old routine.

"It's chilly out." Cas tells Gabriel. "You should have brought a heavier blanket."

"The big one is dirty. Haven't had time to do laundry." Gabriel shrugs, "Besides, we had our body heat."

They don't talk much through the night, but things don't feel as tense either. Gabriel heads in early to leave Dean and Cas room for conversation. Dean wants to ask if Cas will come back with him and what he can do to help, but he knows if Cas has an answer, he would tell Dean. Dean hopes so at least.

They linger at the doorways, neither wanting Dean to leave. Dean wants Cas to ask him to stay the night but he knows that would ruin the purpose of Cas leaving in the first place so he pats Cas' shoulder and gives a gruff, "Glad to see you're feeling better." 

Cas smiles, it's a small shy smile, but honest. "I'm trying. There's some things I've been putting off for a long time that I think I'd like to try. I hope, I mean if you'll still have me, I hope to return home soon."

"Of course, Cas. Always. Even, uh," Dean's choked with emotion, "Even if you don't want to be, you know, together; It's your home as much as it is mine."

"Thank you, Dean. Although if you were unsure, I do miss you." Cas touches Dean's cheek affectionately and Dean nuzzles into it. "It hurts to be away, but I couldn't handle the aimlessness I felt. It just felt like you were taking care of me and I wasn't doing anything."

Dean grabs Cas' hands and pulls him into a tight hug. They both relax, letting out the tension of being apart. "You know that's not true."

"I do, but it didn't stop how I felt." Cas is talking into Dean's neck. Dean can feel the muscles in his face frowning, the light stubble scratching over his collarbone.

"Okay, well you just let me know what you wanna do. Could I text you?"

"Yes, of course! I'm surprised you haven't."

"I thought you were mad at me."

"What? No, I'm not mad. Mad at myself, perhaps."

"Okay, well. I feel a little better."

"I'm sure you'd feel better if I went home with you."

"Well yeah, but I know you've got shit to do."

"Yes. I'm almost finished with the book. I have a few people interested. Once that's finished, I've arranged with Gabriel to return to the store and help out. I think I'd rather help bake as originally intended rather than have him hire someone he couldn't completely trust."

"You saying something about me?" Dean looks down at Cas and smiles.

"No, no, I just think we've all had enough trouble this past year and adding more unknown factors isn't necessary when I know the store just as well as you two."

"I don't think he expected it to get so busy."

"Once the semester is over it will slow down again."

"I could use another vacation."

They stay holding each other until Cas begins yawning. Dean tucks him in bed and gives him a brief kiss before heading out.  
-

Castiel made a list of things he wanted to do before returning to Dean. A sort of challenge to his willpower. As he checks things off the list, his excitement grows and his general mood becomes lighter. There are small tasks on the list, such as learning how to cook a new recipe or get a haircut (that one was necessary and the visit to the barber was much more pleasant than he thought it would be.) The larger tasks are things he had done before. Hobbies he enjoyed or things he'd done regularly before he started locking himself away from the world.

Castiel is happy with his progress. He's set alarms to ensure he gets his work done during the day and remembers to eat and take his meds. The consistency feels good rather than restricting. He sets his own goals and deadlines without harsh consequences. He's still waiting for a callback from the people who showed interest in his book. He's at a point where he'd be happy regardless if it's picked up or not. It feels freeing to be able to sort his thoughts and feelings on the problems that have plagued him for as long as he can remember.

As the last task, he'd thought it would be difficult to start but his enthusiasm to finish the list carries him through the ache of the first few days when Castiel takes up running again. He has to start slow to get back to where he was but he's okay with that. The mornings are still too cold so he likes waiting until late afternoon to start out. At first he goes around the block but it doesn't take long for him to log mile after mile. 

It's freeing and helps him relax and release tension from the day. He's also been following Gabriel's advice and masturbating almost every night, trying different methods to stay erect. He enjoys prostate stimulation because he doesn't need the erection to start or finish, but he'd rather not have to do it every time he wants to please Dean and to show Dean that he is capable as a lover. The more he does it, the longer he's able to go and doesn't need as much concentration to climax. Training his body to respond to stimulation every night leaves him craving touch, wishing he could have Dean with him while he experiments. He'd like to go back to Dean's by the end of the month, if not sooner. 

 

-  
Temptation to stay with Dean beckons Castiel on a day where everything is going wrong. He started out late on his run because he was waiting for a delivery so he's still miles out when the rain starts falling. It hadn't seemed cloudy enough to rain when he'd left but the further away he got from Gabriel's, the quicker the clouds seemed to amass.  
He's jogging down empty industrial roads when he sees a flash of lightning. He counts the seconds until the rumble of thunder shakes through his bones. He's too tired to keep going at a pace fast enough to get home so he concedes and calls Dean to come for him. 

He stands under an old awning for only a few minutes before Dean pulls up to the broken curb.  
"Hey, there." Dean grins at Castiel and winks. He's still covered in flour so Castiel guesses he stayed late or just hasn't been home yet, probably avoiding going to an empty house. 

"Hello." Castiel says, unamused. "That was quick."

"I was driving around. You're lucky I was nearby. You look like a wet kitten, all grumpy and sad."  
Castiel unsticks his shirt from his chest and makes his way around the Impala. "I hope you brought towels." 

Dean reaches behind the seat and pulls a towel out to lay across the seat before Castiel sits. He pulls another one out and ruffles Castiel's dripping hair with it. 

"I brought you some clothes too, just in case you might want to change." Dean avoids looking at Castiel's state of dress. Cas' clothes are thin and soaked, plastered to the contours of his body. He feels self-conscious, but in a good way. He knows Dean will have trouble keeping his eyes on the road, he feels a strange sort of excitement.  
"Thank you, Dean. I think I'll wait." He lets his eyes linger on Dean, waiting for him to put the car into drive. Dean holds his gaze for a moment before clearing his throat and focusing on the road. 

"No problem, man. So you come out here every time you run or was this a new thing?"

"I usually don't come out this far. I was curious to see what was out this way."  
-

The drive itself is uneventful, the rain comes down in heavy sheets, leaving the impala's wipers struggling to keep up. Dean drives slow through the overflowing streets, careful not to drive into any deep areas. When he reaches the road heading to Gabriel's, Castiel makes an impulsive decision hoping to see how far Dean will let him push tonight. 

"I'd like to go home for awhile, if you don't mind. Perhaps we could have dinner together?" Castiel tries on a flirtatious smile, although he's sure it looks like a grimace. Dean's eyes light up regardless. 

"Yeah, yeah of course! Um, I think I have lasagna in the freezer. There's not much in the fridge. Haven't gone shopping in awhile, you know."

 

-  
Dean heads straight to the kitchen when they get home to start on dinner, avoiding looking at Castiel and the planes of his thinly veiled body. Castiel is amused with Dean's behaviour but it makes him miss being home. He showers just long enough to warm up and dresses in comfortable clothes. 

Castiel makes his way to the kitchen where Dean's cursing the griddle and shaking his hand while trying to turn garlic toast with a fork.  
"Where's the spatula?" Cas asks. Dean pouts at him and goes to the garbage can, pulling out a half melted handle and remnants of the spatula. 

"I left it on the griddle while I was buttering the rest of the garlic bread." He says, crushed. "That was my favourite spatula."

"My condolences." Cas says. It makes Dean chuckle and he steps forward, wrapping his arms around Castiel. 

"God, I've missed you so much." Dean says into Cas' shoulder. Castiel kisses Dean's throat and says as much. They stand together holding each other tight until the smoke alarm goes off, reminding them of the now ruined toast.

"Well I'm glad I buttered those extra slices." Is all Dean says before trashing the burnt pieces and putting on new ones. 

-  
Dinner is short, to say the least. Dean and Cas are too busy mooning over each other to care that Dean also burned the lasagna when they started kissing and didn't hear the oven timer go off. It's dry and the bottom pasta sheets are crispy and they eat mechanically, providing their bodies sustenance while their minds are elsewhere with each other. They don't finish their food.

Cas decides to make his move and make up for all the pining they've done for each other in the past month. He wants the comfort of Dean's warm body and adoration of Dean's words whispered into his skin. He misses being close to Dean and hearing how much Dean cares for him. He puts his fork down and sips his water before climbing into Dean's lap and kissing him deep and rough. Dean's too shocked to respond at first so Castiel feels like he's just shoving his tongue into an open mouth and it feels improper. Almost gross. Dean recovers before Castiel changes his mind and makes up for the crude feeling the kiss brought.

Dean keeps touching Castiel and commenting how much he missed him between kisses. His hands wander in a loop up Cas' shoulders to the back of his neck and down his sides. Castiel mimics Dean's movements, grinding down into Dean's lap. Castiel calms himself and keeps an empty mind so he can concentrate on the pleasance of the physical sensations, hoping his body will react as it has during masturbation in the previous weeks. 

Dean's heavy breathing and moaning against Castiel's neck and his hands pulling and sliding over his body help keep Cas' focus on how wonderful it feels to be back with him. His body begins to respond to Dean's touch and voice so he pushes to continue their coupling upstairs.

They remove their clothing in increments between both sweet and heavy kisses as they make their way up. Castiel is roughly pulling at Dean before grabbing him by the shoulders and forcing him to lie back onto the bed.

Dean's face is a flurry of emotion, a mix of awe and arousal that makes Castiel feel proud. He starts at Dean's shins, kissing and licking and sucking his way up each leg, the corners of Dean's pelvis, up his torso and neck. Dean's breathing is already erratic and his legs twitching. He's moaning and commenting on every kiss.  
"Missed you so much...Feels good...Cas...Castiel...Sweetheart, c'mere."

Castiel drapes himself over Dean, licking his hand and stroking at Dean's erection. Dean's reverent smile turns to one of bliss when Castiel finds the right rhythm. Dean's moaning and babbling when he begins to tense. 

"I love seeing you like this," Cas growls in his ear, "so open for me. Such raw need and emotion written across your body for me to read as I please."

Dean tries pushing Cas' hand away, "Cas, Cas I don't wanna come like this," Castiel kisses him and grinds his own erection into Dean's thigh. That seems to be all it takes to send Dean over the edge. "God. Fuck...it's too soon...Oh fuck I'm gonna..." Dean's eyes slam shut at the height of his climax before he opens them again to continue looking at Cas in astonishment. "I can't believe you did that. Oh my god, Castiel." Dean lies back and tries to slow his breathing.

While Dean is coming down from his orgasm, Castiel reaches to the side table and pulls out the lubricant, kissing Dean's nose and cheeks as he pours a small amount into the curve of Dean's pelvis and dipping his fingers in. Castiel crawls down Dean's body, settling on one of his thighs. He circles a finger around Dean's rim and takes his time inserting it while he licks at and mouths Dean's soft dick and belly clean. 

"So beautiful, Dean." Castiel remarks into his skin. He nips at Dean's tummy as his works two fingers in, causing Dean to tense and groan in pleasure. Dean glances his hand up Castiel's cheek and runs his fingers through his hair. 

"You were away so long." Dean moans.

"Don't be so dramatic, it was less than a month."

"Sooo long." Dean exaggerates. Castiel scissors his fingers and adds more lubricant. "I felt so lost without you here." Dean's cradling Castiel's face in his hand, wanting to pull him up for another kiss. Castiel kisses his palm and his fingers and moves up, following Dean's hand. It's awkward at first trying to move himself up while keeping his fingers working Dean's hole. 

"I rediscovered a lot of things about myself. Things I enjoyed, like running. Things I wanted to do with you."

"Things like this?"

"Yes." 

Dean frames Castiel's face with both hands, bring him in for a kiss. It's tender and sweet, lips just brushing and meeting each other while Castiel works his fingers into Dean and thrusts against him to stay erect. 

"You do so much to me." Dean says. He says it a lot and much in the same way he says, "I love you." Castiel's heart is full to bursting.

"Are you ready?" Castiel asks to make sure he was thorough. Cas is still nervous. He hasn't had much practice with penetration and he doesn't want to hurt Dean on such a rare occasion. 

Dean wants to make a joke, "Just stick it in already, Jeez!" He wants to say. His words are stuck in his throat, choked by the intense emotion he's feeling. He needs Cas close and warm and happy. He nods up at Cas and kisses his cheek. 

Cas kisses back before pushing himself up enough to look down and guide himself into Dean. Slow hands and methodical movements get Cas in deep, but he never loses the fond smile Dean's come to associate with Cas' sensual side.

What Cas proceeds to do to Dean is every corny definition of lovemaking he's ever heard of. Soft core romance movies have nothing on how worshipful Castiel is with Dean's body.  
Cas thrusts start gentle as he gets used to being inside Dean, still trying to hold him as close as he can. He sometimes stops so he can make sure he fully kisses Dean, sliding his tongue along Dean's lower lip before nipping at it. Sometimes he loses focus and Dean has to push into Cas' hips to get him to start moving again. He takes long enough for Dean to start getting hard again. Dean resists the temptation of stroking himself while Castiel thrusts into him.

Cas doesn't moan or make any sound that conveys his pleasure. Instead, he talks. Talks about the ways Dean looks at him, the stir of emotions that pull at Cas every time they're within the same room together and how he loses control of himself at the thought of Dean loving him just as much as he loves Dean. How protective he feels of Dean and how dedicated he is to making sure Dean has everything he's ever wanted in life.

Dean's always hated how intense sex could be with people who knew him longer than a few weeks. He shoves all his emotions away and when he has sex with someone he actually trusts, there's an unfortunate side-effect. When he begins to cry, Castiel wipes at the tears and kisses the paths they leave down Dean's cheeks. Dean doesn't feel so weird because as Castiel's thrusts slow, Dean notices Cas is crying as well. Castiel slowly pulls out, noting Dean's wince. 

"Don't stop on my account." Dean laughs, trying to save the moment. 

Cas is stroking Dean's cheek and neck and down his chest. "We could try again tomorrow."

"I'm, I want to see you come. Is that okay?" Dean's hesitant to ask. Though he's grateful for the entire night, he still feels greedy asking for more.

"I, I don't think I can continue like this." Castiel says and Dean tries to hide the hurt. He's about to thank Castiel for everything when Castiel pulls off the condom and straddles Dean. "I can't stay erect for long, but if you'd like to go on, I wouldn't mind it. I can ride you, if you'd like." 

Dean blinks in surprise and watches Castiel reach for the lube, this time preparing himself. He notices Castiel doesn't take as long on himself. His movements are quick and practised. 

"Been doing that a lot lately?"

"Yes, well. I've been trying different methods to test my body's response time to stimulus. Naturally, this was the most effective."

"Naturally." Dean says, amused. "You're so sciency about it, man. You're supposed to just enjoy the sensation."

"I want to enjoy it, Dean, believe me. I find I can enjoy it better when I know how long I have to do so and what it would take to ensure intimacy."  
Castiel looks conflicted when he slides the lubricant over Dean's dick, pumping his hands a few times. 

"What's wrong, Cas?"

"I think I'd like to be on my back." Castiel rolls to the side as he says it, pulling Dean over him. "I'd like you to fuck me hard, if that's okay."  
The words sound foreign coming out of Castiel's mouth. Dean thinks simultaneous feeling of shock and arousal are going to become associated with sex between he and Cas.

"Why Cas, I'm honoured." Dean chuckles. He starts slow just as Cas had, kissing and licking at Castiel's jaw and neck until Cas' starts pulling at his hips and opening his legs wide to meet Dean's thrusts. 

"Faster." Cas grunts. 

"Yes, sir." Dean says, out of breath already. His excitement has him close so he tries to focus on the small details of their actions. Cas' hair plastered to his forehead by sweat, his eyelids heavy and his mouth set. Cas' fingers are rubbing at Dean's jaw in their own set rhythm, almost contradictory to his thrusts. 

"Harder, please." Castiel pants. So Dean pulls out all the tricks he knows. He circles his hips and grinds down slow but pulls out fast. It's hard on his knees and lower back but he's rewarded for it by Castiel's sudden whine. "Oh!" 

Dean's encouraged by the lax look of pleasure on Castiel. His mouth falls open and small moans are being thrust out of him on every exhale. "Oh Dean," Castiel pulls Dean closer, making Dean's hips stutter as he tries to adjust to the position. It makes Castiel louder. "Dean." He groans. 

"Oh!" Cas is pulling at every bit of Dean his hands can reach. Dean tries to go faster, pulling one of Castiel's thighs up and pushing the other out so he has room to push in completely. "Oh! Dean!" Dean's almost on the edge of orgasm, the heat in his belly spreading into his thighs and tightening. He can tell Cas is too, from the way his jaw keeps clenching and his body is jerking. He wraps an arm around Cas to pull him up for a kiss and as he does so, Castiel jackknifes his body forward as he comes, bumping his forehead against Dean's. 

"Fuck!" They both shout. The shock of it causes Dean to orgasm. He's pushing Cas' leg down into the bed as he falls sideways, not wanting to bump his head again. They lay slightly twisted on their sides as they try to catch their breath and still thrusting against each other into the aftershocks, smiling at each other.

"That was," Dean starts, still panting.

"Extraordinary." Castiel says, voice rough with exhaustion. "I've never had an orgasm so fierce."Dean feels proud of himself for that one. 

They lay together for a long while exchanging sentimental words before Dean heads to the bathroom to fill the bath and then downstairs to reheat their food.  
They eat in the tub. Getting more in the water, Dean thinks, than in their mouths. Castiel looks like he's lost the heaviness to his shoulders and the haunted look in his eyes. 

Though, it could be he's just been getting a proper night's sleep at Gabriel's. "You look good." Dean says. "Happy."

"I am." Castiel smiles and kisses Dean's shoulder. "I might not be tomorrow or next week or next month. But right now, Dean Winchester, I am happy. You give me so much. I'm glad to be able to share this night with you. You were so beautiful."

No matter how many times Cas calls Dean beautiful, Dean still blushes. "You were too, Cas."  
-  
Dean is sad to see the sun rise. He's holding Cas, watching him snore against Dean's chest, knowing he's going to have to take him back to Gabriel's. He thinks about the night, the look of pleasure Dean felt blessed to have seen on Cas' normally serious face. He's more comfortable with Cas leaving today than he was a few weeks ago, but he'll still miss Cas. Especially now, knowing how hard Cas has worked to be more comfortable in their relationship. Knowing how the boundaries of their relationship changed.

He doesn't know when Cas will start training at the shop more, but Dean looks forward to baking with him and sharing more time where they can get to know each other outside of their home. He's starting to figure out Cas' way of separating different spaces, giving emotions tangibility in different environments. Lover Cas and Friend Cas don't exist in the same spaces as Brother Cas and Coworker Cas. Dean swears to himself to try to understand and learn to give Cas patience and support no matter the cost. It makes him feel selfish and guilty for enjoying the night before so much and for wanting more, especially after he told Cas he could do without the sex. 

Dean tries to keep perspective on what they did. They've been apart for a long period of time so emotionally they would need to reconcile. It made sense for them to involve the physical aspect of the intimacy they shared. He uses it as his excuse for wanting more and hopes that the feeling will wane as he and Cas spend time together again. He doesn't want to be the one to ask for something Cas has trouble giving when Dean promised he was fine leaving it out of their relationship.

At some point, this line of thinking starts to stress Dean so he goes back to staring at Cas, willing him to wake up so they could have some time together before Cas' departure.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You ever feel like your life is just the same questions and problems happening over and over, that the only thing that changes is the scenery?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a LONG time since I finished the 2nd half of MOI and although I've deleted or edited it countless times, sometimes the writing doesn't match anyway. I think it reflects the styles I've read most recently. I've been trying to expand dialogue but when two people talking sometimes nothing happens no matter how much you want there to be movement. Why do I put the boring stuff in? Sometimes things don't go smoothly. There aren't any worldchanging villains or cool adventures, but learning how to navigate a relationship when you've never really had one is a hell of a journey. 
> 
> Although I've been tempted to end it the way my relationship did, I'd like Dean and Cas to have a happy ever after. 
> 
> I apologise in advance for the next few chapters. 
> 
> This one is 5k and at the end you'll understand what I mean when I talk about how frustrating things can get.

Their morning routine is quiet but comfortable. Dean gets up to make breakfast and Cas burrows further into their nest of blankets and throw pillows. 

Dean texts Gabriel, telling him he's going to be late so that he can take Castiel home before heading into work. He gets a wink face and a simple, "np." For some reason it makes Dean chuckle. He feels like the weights tugging him down eased up. It makes him want to sing. He has all sorts of ideas for breakfast and they all sound great so he gets started.   
-

When Castiel shambles his way into the kitchen, he's not expecting the equivalent of a diner breakfast menu laid out on the table. He's wearing boxers and a shirt, but Dean's already cleaned up and ready to start the day. Dean's beaming and humming as he sets out plates and silverware. When he sees Cas he kisses him on his temple and leads him to his seat.  
"Sleep well?" Dean hands him a cup of tea. 

Cas accepts it and gestures to the food. "You didn't have to make all this. I hope I'm not holding you up." Cas says with hesitation. "Did you have to go in this morning?"

Dean shakes his head, taking a bite of waffle. "Don't worry about it. I let Gabriel know we had some stuff to catch up on. He's cool with it." Cas smiles at the sight. Normally, Dean talking with his mouth full would be something he'd wince at. 

Castiel's missed it. Missed the teasing and the back and forth that came easily between them. It feels odd to miss being teased. When Dean does it, Castiel feels a sense of comfort rather than embarrassment. Dean loves the things he gripes about most, Castiel thinks. "He just wants me out of the house."

"Nah, he loves having you around."

Castiel imitates Gabriel's gloomy whine, "Cassie, you're so depressing. You're making me feel all mopey. You don't even pay attention to me!"

Dean throws his head back, guffawing with a mouth full of food. It causes Castiel to laugh as well. Once they've recovered themselves, Dean takes his food to sit next to Cas. Cas sits up as Dean sits down and they meet in a half hug. Dean puts his plate down and pulls Castiel toward him. Castiel buries his face in Dean's neck and breathes. Castiel allows himself to focus on the emotions he's been trying to soothe since the night before.

"I've missed you so much, Dean. Everything seems muted without you, like the world is waiting for you to bring it light and sound."

"Poetic. You don't have to go if you don't want to. You can stay here for a few days and decide then..." Dean trails off. Castiel is holding him tightly, nuzzling into his shirt.

"No, I have to finish the list. My book. I need to get it out of my head. I'd like to start at the bakery full time by next weekend."

"Okay. Well whatever you gotta do. I'll be here."

"I may spend the night more often, if that's okay with you."

"Good. I miss you too much."

\----

Dean gets Cas back to Gabriels by mid-afternoon. They spend a long time on their goodbye before Dean's phone goes off with a text from Gabriel.   
"There's a rush and one of the ovens is down." Dean reads the text out to Cas. 

Cas pulls him forward for a quick kiss and pats his shoulder. "Go." 

"I'll call you later, okay?" Dean says as he heads out the door.

"Stop over." Cas calls out, it causes Dean to pause. 

Dean looks at his phone and then back to Cas. "I can't stay the night."

"We can watch a movie." Cas offers.

"I'll talk to Gabriel."

"Okay," Cas smiles and nods. "I love you." 

"You too." Dean leans in and kisses Cas temple before giving him another tight hug. "Be good."

"I will."

\--

There's a line of people almost out the door when Dean arrives. Gabriel is running back and forth from the register to the kitchen and when he sees Dean he points to the back, "Get cooking, there's a list and three trays waiting to be put out."

Dean salutes Gabriel and grabs an apron, running to the back to grab a tray and putting out what was left. He puts a few trays in the remaining oven and heads back to the counter to help with the orders. The crowd clears quick with the two men dancing around each other, grabbing drinks and food in almost perfect synchronicity. Dean's busy most of the day and he's grateful for the distraction. Once it starts calming down, the anxiousness sets in. 

"I can hear you thinking from here." Gabriel doesn't look up from counting the drawer while Dean wipes down the machines so Dean doesn't stop what he's doing to reply.

"Cas wants to have movie night tonight."

Gabriel chuckles. "Okay. Well, how did things go yesterday? I'm guessing he's happy at the moment."

"Better than I thought; picked him up out at the industrial park. Made dinner. The usual." Dean tries to sound nonchalant, he doesn't need Gabriel to know the exact details but when he looks up, Gabriel is giving Dean a scrutinising look, which makes him bristle in defense. "What?"

"Nothin, but that hickey doesn't exactly scream _usual_."

"Ass." Dean grabs the collar of his shirt and pulls it up.

Gabriel's grinning, "Okay, so did you have sex?" He asks, voice full of mischief.

"Gabriel." Dean warns.

"Just tell me and I'll leave you alone. Was it good?"

Dean thinks about it and tries to keep a blush from rising up. He knows his ears are pink, Gabriel's shaking with silent laughter. "Ugh, honestly, I don't know how I'm going to not want it. It was just so, so, good. I'm pretty sure I saw God."

"Nice. I told you it'd be good. He didn't study that shit for nothing." Gabe boasts. His voice softens though the mischievous smile stays and he pats Dean's shoulder, "I bet he thought the crying was romantic, too."

"I'm pretty sure that doesn't have anything to do with what he studied and besides-" Dean's about to put down any idea of it happening again, both the sex and the crying thing, but he doesn't want to get into it with Gabriel. "Whatever, anyway."

Gabriel shrugs, noticing the change in Dean's tone. "Takeout?"

"Sounds good. I need pie." 

"Alrighty."

\------------

Castiel's thinking about the night before, wondering if it's something he can he do regularly. He's pleasantly sore, thumbing at the bruises on his thighs and touching the love bites across his collar. A small reminder of what it took to see Dean completely let go and allow his emotion to take over. It took a lot out of Castiel to focus on making sure Dean was enjoying himself, but to be able to be with Dean and see him in that way was worth every moment. All in all, not a bad way to spend an evening. 

The intense emotions Dean pulls out of Castiel leave him worried that they'll fade just as quick as they came on or that Dean will lose interest and be stuck with an unwanted roommate. Castiel supposes his earlier reluctance to move in was overshadowed by his overwhelming reaction to Dean's kindness and generosity. Gabriel had told Castiel Dean was affectionate with the people he liked and cared for but Castiel had no idea how much so. It was a startling change from being withdrawn from the people in his life, to have to reciprocate that openness for fear of being left out.

Castiel's previous attempts at romantic relationships usually ended because the other party wanted to keep their relationship a secret or take it further when Castiel wasn't ready. To say he's never met anyone like Dean is a grave understatement that frightens Castiel. He doesn't know what to expect or how to act. Dean is so compassionate and tender with Castiel; Castiel feels like he doesn't deserve Dean.

When Dean and Gabriel arrive carrying bags of food into the living room, Castiel is in the kitchen watching the kettle, thinking about his schedule for the next week. He was hoping to be home soon, but he wants to make sure he's not rushing himself again. He makes his tea and heads to his room to work. He needs to be alone until he can balance himself and settle his emotions if he wants to be around Dean.

His computer is still booting up when Dean knocks on the door. He doesn't respond but Dean speaks anyway, his voice cautious and gentle. "I brought you some food if you want some. We're going to watch a movie, if you feel like coming out later." 

Cas sighs. He's tired of feeling like he's volatile. Tired of Dean worrying about hurting him if he pushes. Castiel rubs his eyes and looks toward the door. Dean's shadow under the door hasn't moved. "Dean will you come in for a moment, please."

Dean opens the door enough to get his face in. "What's up?" 

"In. All the way in." Castiel beckons Dean but Dean inches in hesitating every step. "Come here." Castiel commands. He stands and watches Dean come in the room, looking around at Castiel's space with curiosity. Castiel realises this is the first time Dean's been in his room. Cas' old posters from college are framed on the wall along with vacation pictures of him and Gabriel. Cas gives him a moment to take it all in. 

"Nice room."

"Thank you."

"What do you need, Cas?" It frustrates Castiel that Dean's so careful. What Castiel wants is to feel like he can have a normal relationship. Castiel realises he needs to meet Dean halfway with things, but it feels unnecessary to be so hesitant.

"You. I just wanted to see you." Cas' voice breaks. "I uh, I have some work to do yet, but I can join you in about half an hour, if that's okay." 

"Yeah," Dean smiles, "Sounds good." Dean ruffles Cas' hair before leaving the room. Castiel's breath stutters nervously. He's not going to be able to focus on writing so he heads to the shower. He feels like he might as well get ready for bed, he's sure he's going to end up falling asleep on Dean's shoulder. It seems to have become a movie night tradition. He grabs his medication and a pair of comfortable sweats and heads to the bathroom.

Castiel can hear Gabriel's laughter ring through the halls as he steps into the shower. He ponders what he can do to be carefree like his brother. It seems counterproductive to want to work so hard to be easygoing but he's willing to try anything to have more fulfilling relationships. 

The water is soothing Castiel as he begins emptying his mind, preparing himself for a night full of light conversation and flirting. Dean and Gabriel never bring up the things they speak about on these nights so Castiel has become comfortable with saying what's on his mind without having to think about sparing their feelings or future confrontation.  
These nights are meant to allow them all to be open with communication without repercussions, which is something that's ruined them all in their own ways before. It's worked but Castiel deflects more than anything when the focus of attention gets turned to him.

He dresses quickly and heads out to get his food before settling on the couch with Dean and Gabriel. They're blushing and coming down from a laughing fit. Gabriel throws his arm around Castiel as Cas sits between the two. 

"Hey bro!"

"Gabriel. Dean. How was work?"

"Busy." They reply in unison. Dean looks at Gabriel and smirks which causes Gabriel to start laughing again. Dean rolls his eyes and continues. "It was crazy. The thermometer in one of the ovens is out so we're going to have to double time it until it's fixed." He leans back and scoots himself over to make room for Castiel to do the same. 

"Definitely a day we coulda used you." Gabriel says after catching his breath.

"You should have let me know." Castiel says with concern.

"Well I thought Dean was bringing you with him. You guys spent most the day together."

"Yes, well, I needed a break but I'd like to finish my book as planned." Castiel snaps.

"It's not a big deal, Cas. We worked through it. You do what you gotta." Dean tries to soothe him.

"Well I don't need to feel like what I want is something that I have to get through and finish before being accepted into the group."

"I didn't mean it like that."

"No you didn't but that's how it is. You and Gabriel have the shop and baking and inside jokes and I have issues."

"Cas." Gabriel sits up and puts his hand on Castiel's arm. Cas knows Gabriel doesn't mean to sound like he's pitying him but it still makes him angry. 

Castiel takes a deep breath and puts on a smile. "It's fine. I'm sorry. I'm being ridiculous. Please don't look at me like that."

"You're not being ridiculous but you're upset about something and using this as an excuse to get it out. What's wrong?" Gabriel won't stop asking if Castiel doesn't answer, so he grabs Gabriel's hand. 

"I don't know. It's nothing. Just another bad day, I guess." Dean looks at Cas with guilt and it makes Castiel want to hit himself. Now Dean is going to beat himself up over the night before, thinking Castiel didn't want to take part. 

"It's not about last night." Castiel grabs Dean's hand and squeezes, hoping to get the point across. He feels like he's in a seance. They're all sitting close, holding hands. "I just want things to get back to normal. I want to work things out and just be better already." The deep worry lines on Dean's face lessen, but he still looks concerned.   
Gabriel still has that sympathetic moue that makes Castiel grit his teeth. He's seen it too often in the past year. He pulls his brother into a hug. "Please stop worrying about me. I'll be okay."  
Moving past the subject is difficult but when they finish eating it's like it never happened. Gabriel is making jokes and Dean's laughing with his mouth full of pie and Cas is feeling not quite out of place but not entirely there. Castiel is grateful that they can keep a conversation going without having to include him. He doesn't feel like talking tonight.  
He gets comfortable by leaning into Dean and wrapping an arm around his waist, letting the conversation wash over him as he falls asleep.

-

Castiel wakes to Dean's phone alarm going off. They're in almost the same position they were when Castiel fell asleep. Castiel's arm is sore so he gently removes himself from Dean's embrace to turn off the alarm. He sees a message from Gabriel and opens it. It's a picture of a pair of silky underwear. Gabriel's caption says, "I think he'll appreciate them more than I did, if you want them back."

Castiel tilts his head and wonders what it could mean. It could be that Gabriel sent the message to the wrong number. He's not sure. He can't remember if he and Dean had ever discussed that particular fetish. It makes him smile thinking about what new things he can do for Dean.

He puts the phone down and shakes Dean's shoulder to wake him before getting up to get cleaned up and dressed for work. He might as well take a few days to help until the oven is fixed and their schedules return to normal. 

He's undressing to step into the tub when Dean knocks on the bathroom door. "Come in." Castiel lowers himself into the bath as Dean enters. 

"Mornin'"

"Good morning."

"Sleep okay?" Dean asks as he steps to the toilet. Castiel turns his head away while Dean relieves himself.

"I did." He relaxes into the water while Dean undresses and slides in with him. There's a moment of shifting and splashing as Dean gets situated, pulling Castiel back against his chest. 

"It's a tight fit in this tub compared to the one at home." Dean says. Castiel hums in agreement. Dean grabs the body wash and pours some on Castiel's shoulders. He wets his   
hands and starts rubbing his hands down Cas' arms and chest. Castiel relaxes into Dean, allowing his hands to wander. 

"I saw Gabriel's message this morning." Castiel tells Dean who pauses for a second before continuing sudsing Castiel's body. 

"Those panties are from last summer."

"I figured as much. I wasn't sure if he sent the picture to the wrong person or if it was something between the two of you." Cas says, amused. "Lower, please." Dean's sliding his hands in large circles over Cas' abdomen. At first it was a gentle tickle, but the familiar brush of pleasure is causing his body to react. It's a pleasant surprise that Castiel doesn't want to waste. He continues focusing on Dean's hands on him, gentle and loving; his body warm and solid against Castiel, making him feel safe. 

Dean continues the circular movements until he reaches Cas' pelvis. He slides his hands across to each hip bone and down between the space in Castiel's thighs. Castiel reaches down and strokes himself, trying to become fully erect. He turns his head to Dean and pulls his hands against him. "Kiss me."

Dean hesitates but does as he's told, grabbing Castiel's hair and tugging his head back for a deep kiss. Castiel tugs at his still flaccid penis, trying to get it to catch up with the pleasure he's feeling from having Dean around him, holding him tight. After a few minutes of trying, Castiel gives up. Dean's still kissing him and his erection is sliding against Castiel's back so Castiel turns himself over and straddles Dean's lap. 

Dean sits back surprised, putting his hands on Cas' thighs. Castiel slips closer and kisses Dean's neck and shoulders, sliding his hand down and pumping Dean's erection a few times. "Fuck." Dean's thrusts up causing him to slip down further in the tub. Making Cas fall forward. 

Castiel chuckles and rights himself. He reaches back and opens the drain before kissing Dean again. When he pulls away, Dean's wonderstruck look pulls at his heart. He smiles and kisses Dean's cheek. "We can't take long, it's probably time to leave already." 

Dean shakes his head and clears his throat. "Gabriel won't mind."

"You say that every time."

"It's true."

"Mhmm." Castiel climbs off Dean and gets on his elbows, trying to lay as comfortable as he can in the small tub. Dean opens his legs to try go give Castiel room.

"We don't have to do this. Or we...fuck....we could go to your room." Dean's words are shaky and Castiel takes him into his mouth. Castiel fists at what he can't fit into his mouth and he slides his fingers around the rim of Dean's wet hole, massaging it. "Ohhh....nevermind..." Dean's voice pitches higher and his thighs are trembling. It only takes another fifteen seconds when Dean pulls at Castiel. "Fuck I'm going to come."

Castiel swallows him down and licks him clean. He stands up and turns on the shower so they can finish washing. 

Castiel dresses in a hurry, avoiding Dean when he tries to put his arms around him. "I'll be in the car." Castiel knows Dean would waste more time trying to reciprocate but he'd rather not be any later than they have to if they're the ones opening the shop.

Dean dresses, puzzled and upset. He's hoping Cas isn't angry over what they did in the shower. He seemed okay with it. Dean tries to move quick so Castiel isn't waiting.  
When Dean gets in the car, Castiel has his head in his hand, staring outside.

"What was that about?" Dean tries to keep his voice gentle. 

"What?" Cas scrunches his face in confusion.

"You seem upset and not that I'm complaining, but fooling around really isn't our forte."

"Maybe it should be." Cas mumbles.

"Cas, man we argue about this shit all the time." Dean's exasperated, sick of the catch-22 he keeps finding himself in.

"No, Dean. You tell me how I should be. I know you have desires and I know it's something I can do for you. You do things for me all the time and never ask for anything in return, why can't I do the same? I'm allergic to strawberries, but that doesn't mean you have to give them up for the rest of your life."

"I don't want them. I want you to be happy and healthy."

"You promised me you wouldn't push me into something I didn't want. I just happen to want to give you pleasure. Unless I assumed wrong and you're like me."

"Cas don't say it like that."

"Why not?" Cas is getting frustrated at how every interaction with Dean ends up being the same.

"Because." Dean says, stern and final. Cas laughs humorlessly.

"Because?" Castiel mocks. "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realise you had the final say just because."

"I dont know okay, just stop. You were so fucking afraid of being broken and weird but that's what made you, YOU. You're not broken, okay. You're a little dorky, definitely not normal, but that's what I love. You should love that too."

"You make me feel like I shouldn't be doing anything for you because of how I felt before we began dating. People change."

"Cas people change, but to completely throw away their feelings about something they were so passionate about is a whole nother story."

"I didn't throw anything away, Dean. There were things that made me hesitant to want to try physical relationship but I've been working on them. I was angry with how I was treated and I handled it badly. I might have trouble in some ways but don't think that I'm not completely a part of what we do together. I love you and I want you to have everything. I want to be the one to give it to you. I know you feel the same about me and would get upset if I were to deny you of that. I'm sure thats part of why you were so upset when I left."

"Yeah well you told me if you needed anything that you would let me help but you left without even really telling me what was wrong."

"I'm sorry for not being open with how I felt about my situation. It's been difficult coming to terms with it which is why I'm going to continue staying with Gabriel. It seems like things are going to take longer than I had initially planned, but I think this will be good for both of us in the long run."

"You can't keep paying me off with sex cas."

"Is that what you think I'm doing?"

"Is that what you're doing?"

"No, of course not. I just thought it would make you feel better."

"I would feel better if you were home." Dean grabs Cas hand and squeezes.

"I know." Cas frowns and he pulls his hand out of Dean's grasp.

"Okay well, now that that's settled." Dean huffs out a frustrated laugh and starts the car.

"Dean please don't brush me off. I love you and I want our relationship to have the best chance of surviving."

"I love you too. I do but I don't think you're understanding what I'm saying. I'm happy as long as you're with me, cas. You keep acting like you need to fix what we have. All that   
needs fixing is for you to let me support you."  
Before Cas can respond Dean cuts him off.

"Look, we'll talk about it later, okay? I feel like we're just going in circles with this damn argument. We're never going to agree."

\--

Dean stops at the register to count his drawer while Cas walks past, grabbing an apron off the hook and heading to the back to get the first batches of pastries in the oven. There's a sheet with the new baking times until the other oven is fixed. There's not as many orders to make but they have to compensate with something until then. He decides on different pan recipes he can make on the stove or things that don't take as long to prepare. Different types of breakfast bars get written on the dry erase board.  
Castiel tries not to think of Dean. Just when he thinks he's figured out how to keep Dean happy, he gets blindsided. Cas knows it's his fault but it doesn't stop it from hurting. He tries to clear his mind so he can work in peace, but he has new ideas for the final chapter of his book. 

-  
Dean gets a case of emotional whiplash every time he and Cas end up fooling around together. He wants to just say fuck it and take what he can get, but it doesn't feel right after everything he's learned about Cas. The guy was so hesitant to touch Dean when they started the whole relationship, he's not sure if it's good that they're going this far. He kind of misses the shy touches, the comfortable way they moved around each other. It was easy when it wasn't sexual. Dean wonders if that's what bothers him most. If it's sexual he feels like he has to accept that it's a full blown relationship. Before, they were just friends who cared about each other. There was no anxiety about Cas leaving him.  
Dean's sure he's going to drive himself crazy trying to figure it out.

And of fucking course Dean can't just have a normal work day anymore. He can't find the parts to one of the brewing machines. He spends about ten minutes looking around the counter area and the dishwashing area before finding them in the office laid out next to a note that says, "Seals need replaced, leaking!!!! "  
So Dean's stuck with the decision of which roast to leave off the menu for the day. He gets a piece of paper, writes down what's unavailable and sticks it up on the board. There's a line of people waiting by the time he's ready to open the doors.   
-  
Lisa stops by which, thankfully, is more amusing than anything. She comes in dressed to the nines looking predatory. Dean grins with amusement.  
"How's it going, Lis?"

"Good, so you're sticking around, huh?" Her eyes rake over Dean before she straightens and looks around the cafe.

Dean leans against the counter. "Looks like it. What can I get you?" His smiles his general customer service smile and she notices.

"A regular coffee and a blonde brownie, please."

"Good choice. Here or?" Dean grabs a paper sheet to grab the brownie.

"To-go, please. So do you make this stuff too?"

"Sometimes." He bags the dessert and heads to the coffee machine. Why was he ever nervous around her?

"Okay." She's looking around the room as if searching for someone. Dean wonders if she was supposed to meet someone here...

"Anything else?" His gruff voice makes her jump to attention.

"Uh, nope." She gives Dean a tight smile. "How much?"

"Five-fifty." She starts digging through her purse when Cas swings through the doors with a tray of cranberry scones. Both Lisa and Dean are frozen in place, watching him restock the case. He's covered in flour, his hair messy, cheeks pink from the heat. When he looks up he notices them staring and smiles, recognising Lisa immediately.

"Oh, hello. Lisa, was it?" He knows she's surprised by the pitch of his voice, as most people are and he uses it to his advantage. "A pleasure to properly meet you." He puts the tray down and removes a glove, reaching out to shake her hand. She looks at Dean, who's grinning wide at Cas and reaches out.

"Nice to meet, you. You are?" 

"My name is Castiel. I'm Dean's boyfriend." Castiel remembers Lindsey. "You're Dana's cousin, correct?"

She scowls in confusion. "Yeah..."

"Tell Lindsey, I said hello." Castiel voice is clipped, sure that he's getting the message across. He might as well be waving a sign saying, 'Dean is mine!' He's filled with adrenaline when he says it. "If you'll excuse me, I've work to attend to." With a final stab of vigor, he kisses Dean's cheek and walks to the back to grab another tray of desserts.

Lisa's staring at the place Cas stood, still shocked. Dean's left to try to recover the situation. He gives her a weak smile and tries to move on. "Five-fifty."

She shakes her head and grabs the money. "Oh, yeah. Right. Well, he seems pleasant."  
"He is. He's still mad about what Lindsey said." Dean is too, but he's not going to start anything. He just wants to finish the day and head home.

"Well, okay. I don't know anything about that, but I'll pass on the message. Hopefully I'll see you around?" She sounds sad when she says it, Dean doesn't know why. They had maybe a weeks worth of hanging out. Yeah, maybe he might have wanted to try again with her, but he's not sure if it was her or the nostalgia that made him want that.

"I'll be here." He salutes her and winks.

"Yeah." Her smile is tight. Before she walks out the door she turns to Dean, "It was nice to meet the one who stole your heart." 

Dean tilts his head in question but she leaves instead of elaborating. He shrugs and starts wiping down the counters. He feels like a lot of tension from earlier walked out the door too. Castiel comes back out with another tray for the case. When he's sliding it in, Dean leans over and pulls him by the waist. 

"Hey, Cas." Dean kisses his neck. 

"Hello, Dean." Cas stands and faces Dean, letting his eyes roam over Dean's face. 

"What was that about?" Dean's grinning and kissing Cas' cheeks and jaw.

"You know what that was about." Cas grunts, pulling Dean's face up so he can kiss him on the lips.

"You're sexy when you're possessive and all sweaty and covered in flour."

"I'm glad you think so."

"I do."

Castiel rolls his eyes. "I'm going to go finish baking." He pulls away and grabs the empty tray, pausing when Dean calls his name. 

"Cas, I'm sorry, about earlier. Whatever you wanna do, I'm game. I, uh," Dean rubs his neck nervously. "I don't want to fight about that anymore. I just want to enjoy being with   
you."

"Okay." Cas says. Dean echoes him and he gets back to work.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you.
> 
>  
> 
> I'm sorry.

Castiel gets used to baking and working the register, which is easier than he thought it would be. After a few weeks of fumbling, many of the regular customers begin to flirt with him like they do with Dean and Gabriel, but he's not good at keeping the conversation going. He tries to enjoy it anyway. The more he reads his book, the less he wants to share it with people. It's become more of a journal than a book for the public and he feels like if he did find a way to get it published, a lot of things would be changed or taken out, which Castiel doesn't think he can handle. He starts looking for a way to reach out to people who have problems like he does, hoping to find acceptance and understanding in different ways.  
  
Dean asks Castiel to come with him to his group meeting, but Castiel feels like he would be encroaching on a safe space for Dean's emotional needs. He goes in after one of the meetings to meet the group. Dean is happy to introduce him but it confirms Castiel's feelings on being a part of Dean's recovery. If Dean needs the group to talk about his father, or his emotional problems and his drinking, Castiel doesn't want to ruin the progress by being a part of it. If something were to go wrong between the two of them, Dean would need the group. Gabriel sometimes still attends the meetings with Dean, to make sure he's actually going and to provide the support he promised Dean from day one. Castiel is grateful for his brother's never ending kindness.  
\---------

 

After months of anticipation, Castiel's homecoming is anticlimactic. Dean spends so much time at Gabriel's to be close to Cas that it's almost like nothing had changed. They're both happy to be reunited, though it takes time getting used to a new routine. Cas wakes up before Dean to go running and he's back and dressed before Dean's out of the shower. They work together and when they get home, Cas heads upstairs to write while Dean makes dinner. Castiel put off his book and started a blog about some of the experiences he's had in his life. It's almost as fulfilling as the book and the amount of people who share their own experiences make the time he spends online worthwhile.  
Castiel still tries to avoid people, but when he's in a social situation he finds himself acting like Dean, picking up the mannerisms that seem to get them through any conversation. He's not sure if it's the best way to go through life, but he's happy with it.

Sam and Jessica's wedding is an emotional affair for everyone involved. Dean is best man and gives a speech Castiel helped write. Gabriel ends up leaving with one of Jessica's cousins, and Castiel catches the lacey garter Sam throws from across the room.  
Dean shouts, "That was on purpose!" Sam just smiles smugly at them both and goes back to his wife. 

Dean thought he'd feel guilty for being happy, for moving on from his father without really even mourning. Sam was right to say they'd let go a long time ago.  
They see the newlyweds off and head to the hotel for the night. They have to head out the next day since they're driving back to Lawrence. Dean adamantly refusing to fly.

They're removing their ties and suits for the night when Dean starts getting handsy. "The wedding was nice." He helps Castiel with his jacket and vest. Kissing him on the cheek and neck.

"I had fun. The cake they chose was more beautiful than the pictures." Castiel holds out a foot, Dean bends to unlace the shoes and remove the socks.

"Yeah. I like the different flavours. The one with the strawberry stuff in it was good. Shower?" Castiel nods and they head into the bathroom.

Dean's washing Castiel's hair when Castiel stutters out, "we should get married." He looks up at a smiling Dean.

"You think?" Dean pokes his tongue out.

"Not any time soon." Castiel feigns seriousness. Dean follows along.

"No, of course. Like when we're older."

"Fifty, you said?" 

"Yeah. We'll go on a lovebird cruise or something. Unless you liked the idea of Elvis doing it."

"I do like the idea. We need our rings." They rinse off and step out. Dean's drying Castiel off when he starts laughing. 

"We'll be engaged for fifteen years."

Castiel smiles and kisses Dean on the nose. "Sounds like a record. Hmmm, kiss me." They stand at the foot of the bed gently touching each other until Castiel pulls back to whisper into Dean's ear. "I'd like to have sex tonight."

"Yeah?" Dean looks unsure but Castiel kisses him again and forcefully nudges him.

"Dean, get on the bed."

Castiel's always enjoyed touching Dean's shoulders. Broad and strong, counting the freckling where shoulder meets neck. He bites and licks at Dean's skin, hoping to properly convey in touch what he's usually done with words. Dean's responding enthusiastically so Castiel continues. He makes sure every part of Dean's body is shown attention, particularly the parts Castiel favours most. Dean's soft belly, his strong forearms, the curves of his calves and the bow of his thighs. Dean's eyes are half closed in relaxation by the time Castiel makes his way back up to kiss him on the mouth. 

"Fuck me before we fall asleep." Dean mumbles out, pulling Castiel close.

Castiel chuckles. "Turn over."

Dean lays on his stomach and Cas drapes himself over him. Castiel presses a lubed finger in, kissing every freckle he sees on Dean's back. By the time he gets three in, Dean's pushing his hips against the comforter, trying to get friction. Castiel grabs Dean's hips and pulls him on his knees. He has to stroke himself to get hard before he can enter Dean.  
Once he slides in, he settles both of them back down onto the bed. He takes his time, kissing at Dean's neck, telling him how wonderful the wedding was, what their own wedding will be like. 

Castiel is thrusting too slow for Dean to get close to climax; it's just enough to keep him aroused. Every few thrusts brushes his prostate, keeping the heat coiling in his belly from taking over. He's becoming oversensitised by the brush of the comforter over his dick and he wants to come. Cas keeps kissing and biting his shoulders and back, a constant stream of endearments pouring out of his mouth in a low rhythmic rumbling. Dean isn't catching all of it, he's lost in the feel of Cas sticky and hot pressed against him. _I love you, you do so much for me, to me, so beautiful Dean, Dean Dean Dean..._

It's all too much. 

Dean's struggling to catch his breath, wanting to come but the slow drag Cas is committed to isn't changing even when Dean tries thrusting his hips back to meet Cas' forward slide. 

"Cas-I-fuck, move faster youre killing me."

"Dean lie on your back. I want to see you."

Cas helps Dean turn over and pulls his legs further apart so he can lean into Dean, kissing him as he pushes deeper.

"I wish you could see yourself. See how breathtaking you are." Castiel runs his fingers along the bridge of Dean's nose, across the bow of his lips and the curve of his jaw. Dean feels his eyes burn with tears he's been trying to hold back. Castiel stops thrusting into him when Dean turns his head away. Cas' hand continues down his throat and over his shoulder before his mouth takes over. Castiel kisses lightly down Dean's throat. 

"Do you want to stop?" Cas asks into Dean's collarbone.

"No." Dean clears his throat. "Sorry. This crying thing is getting old."

"I think its lovely."

Dean snorts. "Gee, thanks."

"I can go faster, if it helps."

"I kind of like this."

"I want you to know how you make me feel. It seems like there's no physical way to manifest those emotions."

"This is close."

"I do enjoy being close to you."

"Mmm. Kiss me?" Dean tilts his head up for a deep open mouthed kiss and pulls at Cas' hips. Cas gets the gist and starts thrusting. It takes a moment for Cas to get hard enough to slide all the way in again. Dean's completely lost it and not quite sure he's even going to be able to get hard after all the teasing and stopping they've done. He's okay with it. He's warm and happy and has Cas whispering sweet promises full of affection over every part of Dean he can reach.

After awhile Cas is just rocking against Dean, both of them soft and sleepy. It's not about arousal or climax, they're just enjoying being close. They lay on their sides kissing each other and twining their fingers together until they begin to fall asleep.

"Thank you." Dean's voice is rough and low. Castiel pulls him closer.

"You're welcome."

"Not just for the sex. For everything. You put up with me." Dean tries to keep his voice from wavering. "You let me be me. I'm such a pain in the ass and you still love me."

"I'm not easy to get along with either."

"Yes you are. You're awesome." 

"Right."

Castiel sounds skeptical but Dean pushes on.

"We have problems, I'm not gonna lie. But i've never met anyone who's made me WANT to try to be better. To do everything in my power to be a good guy."

"I-thank you, I agree."

"That's it?"

"I can elaborate, but I'm rather tired." Cas pulls Dean close and tries to get comfortable. "I love you."

Dean brushes a hand over Castiel's forehead and kisses his cheek.

"Love you too. Go to sleep."

"Okay."

Castiel is almost completely asleep when Dean whispers out. "Cas, you up?" 

"What's wrong?"

"Maybe we can get married a little sooner."

"Anything you want, Dean. Goodnight."

"Night."

Dean watches Cas' chest rise and fall, thinking about their future together. He can't help the deep heavy feelings of gratitude and love he feels in this moment.

"Cas?"

Castiel sighs and turns his head toward Dean.

"Yes, Dean?"

"Nevermind, go to sleep. I love you."

"Love you."

-

I'm not going to say they lived happily ever after or that they never had a problem they couldn't solve. There's plenty of times they were sure they absolutely hated each other or that they were going to divorce.  
Castiel found a few good outlets to deal with his problems, as did Dean. That didn't stop them from needing to get away from everyone at certain times or giving each other silent treatment because they felt like they didn't deserve each other.  
This story was inspired by a different group of people who fell in love and had a life together. I had intended to end this story the same way theirs did, but even fictional characters don't deserve that kind of soul crushing despair.  
Thank you for sticking around. I apologise for ending it in such a brief manner. I mean, made-for-tv dialogue? Really?  
It didn't come out exactly the way I had hoped but that was mostly because I avoided certain subjects and went into too much detail with others. I hope to hear from you again and that my writing will improve enough to flesh out a story like it deserves. I will return to this one eventually and fix all the glaring problems I have with it.  
Until then, thank you so much, from the cockles of my heart.


End file.
